I really Hope Zombies Can't Swim

I really hope Zombies can't swim. Seriously. Do you know how difficult it would be to stop the undead hordes if Zombies could swim? Probably just a shade below impossible, and would seriously restrict locations people could call safe havens. This would of course rely on the fact that aquatic animals would not eat them, or their water logged flesh would soak up water and they would sink into the dark depths of the ocean. There, their decomposed forms would be crushed into a wet mass of undead mush.

As long as a location can be successfully cut off or easily monitored it can remain a safe location. Even if standing water is removed as a barrier, there still remains rushing water, mountains, fire and sheer cliffs. Each of these can create hazards that the undead would be heavily challenged by. I mean, if you could build near one, having a constant flow of magma from a volcano would be a pretty impressive barrier. Granted - being that close to a volcano may not be the best location for long term survival. Volcano's tend to be a tad bit temper-mental in even the best circumstances.

Part of the difficult in preparing a zombie free zone that one can live in comfortably is the basic idea that as Zombies have become more common in media - their myths have changed. Initially zombies only sought out brains - but after a decade or two their palates grew into a general hunger for human flesh. After their hunger changed, then they began to change into more fearsome beasts. Now they can run, climb and turn into relatively powerful monkey-like creatures to terrify humanity. I have to assume these myths changed because of the American culture itself. How could a zombification disease spread in a country that has more than one gun for every single man, woman and child within its borders? Making Zombies more powerful makes that possible.

However this expansion of the genre has its drawbacks. The original zombie idea was an embodiment of a slow progressing rot, a slow death through overwhelming odds. The fear of the slow inevitable end of your life as you are faced with your mortality from those that are already passed on. That is an incredibly different fear than "Holy crap that rage-beast is going to try and gnaw my limbs off".

One theory on the development of Fears is that for some people they are manifestations of other incremental problems in their life. these fears are the way that the mind takes a single object or theme and puts all those different pieces into a single larger one. While this doesn't work for all cases, with some analysis of what a fear entails a person can reasonably figure out why someone is afraid of something.

I am aware enough of my fear, and who I am as a person to understand a large portion of my fear of zombies, and how it is different from other fears. I can see the path my mind followed to create the fear, and why at this point in my life, this manifestations of my fear is so powerful for me. It warrants a close inspection from anyone with any level of fear, as to why and how that fear came to be a part of you. Like it or not, that fear probably has a good reason to be there.

Zombie Preparation Kit

I always enjoy finding other Zombie apocalypse plans, or being sent lists of items that everyone should have in case of a Zombification event. To be entirely frank - I have a pretty in depth list as it is - I even had to develop a way of processing new items as they get brought up to see where they lie in order of importance. Let's face it now - some things are just more important for long term zombie attack survival than others. Holly Madison is pretty far down on the list - sorry her fake boobs, insured or not, won't make life any easier when people start eating each other.

Today's list is actually from last week - CNN Money created a list of items (and their cost - as if money is important with undead running around) that everyone should consider having in the event of a zombie level event. Perhaps I should make that another acronym - ZLE.

1. Ghost 400 Crossbow - I will be honest, there is a special place in my heart for crossbows. This is the medieval equivalent of armor piercing bullets. While arrows always had a better range and are very deadly - crossbows are the cudgels of long range weapons. They don't just pierce - they SLAM into their target at the minimum taking the wind out of them. While the review says aim for the head - most likely you will remove the entire head when you hit - solving that pesky biting once they are down problem. Oh - and the ammunition is re-usable (if you feel the need to retrieve your shots that is)

2. Husqvarna Chainsaw - Chainsaw's were made popular by two things = Evil Dead and the Doom series (if you haven't ever found the chainsaw in Doom you haven't really ever played it). While I commend any destructive weapon - chainsaws are noisy and messy - splattering blood and gore that will most likely infect yourself and your peers - reducing the numbers of non-undead.

3. Orchid Samurai Sword - Swords - while not the optimum weapon of choice due to their range, they are the most dependable. No one has ever said they have run out of ammunition while using a sword. Swords do not jam, they operate in the cold, the heat, under water..... pretty much if you can move the sword works. I have few already myself.

4. Anti-Riot Helmet - Any sort of armor that is light and effective is a bonus in my book. The downside to this model is that the neck is open for biting. If it doesn't have a coif - it is not going to help as much as it should.

5. Anti-Riot Armor - I pretty much have to repeat my last statement. I love armor - and this stuff looks great. Two deficiencies in this design though. First, no neck protection (coifs were invented for a reason people) and even more bizarre in this case - why does this thing not have gloves included?

6. Skull-faced mask - This is screaming "Shoot me as well!" I get the whole intimidation factor for the living, but this is for the undead - the only thing this does is make you a target.

7. Night Vision goggles - This is a pretty good idea. If you can find a few pair, it never hurts to have them once night falls. Darkness has always been the ally of the undead - for some reason rotting eye tissues have excellent night vision capabilities. While I call bullshit on that - it doesn't hurt to have the upper hand with your body armor to also have better vision than the undead hunting you.

It is a limited list - but a list none-the-less. I just have to wonder how much money was plugged into CNN Money for placing these items and their manufacturers. Either way - all of these items will be more useful than Holly Madison. Unless of course you intend to use her as bait (which is a honest waste).

The Importance of Armor

Armor has existed for millenia. Granted the first armor was probably only decorative paint used to ward off enemy weapons an evil spirits, the idea id not the practicality was there. The people at least knew their frailty needed a suitable counter agent.

Eventually people wizened up and realized that pieces of tanned animal hide, wood and metal were much better protection than a gallon bucket of eggshell with primer mixed in. (Can you imagine the first person to question the witch doctor? "I don't know, your war paints are great but I think I still want to bring a shield for the archers...")

In the event of a zombie apacolypse I think everyone should keep in mind a quick and effective plan to make sure the walking dead have a harder time turning you to their ranks. Movie after Movie show so many of our would be heroes walking around is not much better than their Sunday best. While that is great for church, it pretty much does nothing to stop nails and teeth. I mean seriously - each one of you idiots knows that your opponents bite and scratch; yet you don't even take the time to wear an arm guard or long sleeves? How much trouble is it to take that big winter fleece and shove books or magazines inside. Do you know anyone who can bite through a full sized magazine?

Now that I have given one simplest of the simple ideas for body armor, I will go into other more complex ones. For those of you reading and who I advised to take note of Armories - remember they do have some limited amounts of body armor. Flak vests are better than nothing. Riot gear is a great full body protector. Not heavy duty but will give you a few extra close calls before you are lunch. Also take note of biological defense systems - the breathing apparatus will help make sure if you are facing an air-borne pathogen that you can breath easier (but not really. I hear it is a real pain in the ass to breath through those things. Once the filter is clogged it is like breathing with a 400 pound Samoan on your chest)

For myself, I like metal. I am a lithe guy, but I am strong enough to walk some distance even while wearing 60 pounds of steel covering me. I also know how to make chainmaille. Sure, it may be a pretty jewelry making skill, but when push comes to shove - I can make armor that can resist full on stabbing attacks with knives. That sort of protections pays, but making it takes quite awhile. If I had to work on my own I may take weeks to produce enough to make sure I am completely covered and bite proof. It also has almost know pathogen stopping system - so airborne zombieism would leave me vulnerable (but hence why I know about biological protection breathing wear - just in case)

So dear readers, make sure you are aware of how to save your skin, quite literally. When it comes to sharing body armor - you probably won't have any to spare.

Balance of Weaponry

I am at times torn between the two important considerations of balanced weaponry to protect myself. What are these considerations? Ammunition and Range. I hate getting into a bind where I have to pause to reload (like this is a common problem or concern). Especially when I somehow find myself trying to fight a zombie horde in the event of a zombie Apocalypse - I don't want to get caught unable to fight my way away to safety.

Both of these concerns revolve around a basic question of how to defend yourself. Melee weapons have the amazing benefit of never running out of ammunition. A Spear or baseball bat don't jam or run out. But lets face it, using them means you have to close enough to a zombie where the chances are good they may be able to infect you. Not very good in my mind.

The other option is a ranged weapons - the glorious ability to wreak havoc without being near any zombies is powerful - without that infection range that would be a concern with a melee weapon. However ranged weapons are limited when clearing out a city or a building, as your opponent is relatively close. Also, you have to keep track of how much ammo you have and when it is safe to reload. All these decisions and information to be up to date on. A poorly maintained weapon or miscounted ammo stock can be the difference between getting to safety and being on the menu.

All in all I still would prefer to maintain a distance between myself and any zombies. At least a good hundred miles or so. If that isn't possible I would like the world to invent the amazing and beautiful belt-fed combat shotgun. You have a choice between Double-0, Slug, and incendiary shells with the beauty of a near limitless magazine and the close quarters effectiveness of the shotgun.

Let the orders start coming in.

Riding that Highway....

Roadways are the strings that connect the far-flung cities of the world. More so than ships or planes, roads are the premier artery of people for this world. Boats and roads have both been around for thousands of years, and boating may have even pre-dated roads - at least in a formal way. How else did the Polynesians spread their culture across the south pacific so completely? Roads however have stuck with the American personality above all other modes of transportation.

I am going to be on the road tonight, and I am reminded of the fact that many of these roads will get clogged with people in any sort of emergency event. Do roads qualify as ZBA? I guess that depends on the roads. In cities like LA, where the highways are an after-thought to a massive population then I think a fair portion of them will become ZBA.

Awareness of the most secret alternate roads out of your area are a must. First, as a personal escape route, secondly so you know where to leave landmines to prevent zombies from coming unannounced. For hikers this means you will be the future scouts of America in times of need. You know the back areas of the country, and how find the routes through.

So, be nice to your family and friends who hike. Chances are they could save your life and avoid possible ZBA traffic jams.

Common Concerns

Today is a list of common thoughts that run through my head as I go through the day.

1. Walking through amusement parks, I often try to figure out the most defensible rides. I mean, if zombies attack an amusement park, since it is a veritable buffet of people, I need to know that I can get myself and my family to a safe place quickly while the slower people are eaten.

2. Supply point. I am one of those people that does their best to take note of the Nationa Guard Armories that I hear about. Between my apartment and Phoenix Arizona, there are three places where weapons will be available. Take note.

3. Ranchers are your friends. Many times they are very close to being self-supporting, and their first instinct is to shoot people running onto their lands, not embrace them and be bitten and infected. You want that sort of trust around you.

4. I will always place a trip to Home Depot above a trip to Costco on my list of places to be in an Zombie apocolypse. People in Home Depot are more likely to be armed, and be living in a defensible location, and Driving a truck (because trucks run down zombies easier then compact or fuel efficient vehicles). And besides, pretty much any Tom, Dick, and Sally goes to Costco - not ones packing heat. Another Zombie Buffet Area.

I think that is fine for now. In all future posts I am creating the ZBA acronym. ZBA = Zombie Buffet Area. Now you can talk to your friends in code about these places and not sound as crazy I do.

Walls

The balance between defence and aesthetics is hard to maintain. There are few places in history where defenses have not been overcome at one point or another. But even fewer where beauty made a structure easier to protect

Daily Concerns

I wake up and I am alone. Nothing different from when I went to bed, also alone. No one is around. Many nights the apartment building I call home is quiet, empty it seems of active life. It is moments like that, as I just pass the time until I am forced to leave, I wonder how I would know if something happened.

I mean - I am locked in my apartment, with only a few windows into the world, and those face an alleyway. I am functionally blind. If some event occurred and the world was quiet because everyone had evacuated (and I fear I missed the call) then how would I know? I have been known to sleep through rock concerts - would I really wake up to the sounds of sirens in the distance?

Yes I am careful when I open the door. Almost always I check out the peep-hole to make sure nothing is waiting for me, before I turn the knob to go out. So think on that next time you are completely alone, and everything is quiet around you. Is it quiet because it is just a quiet neighborhood; or is it quiet because everyone is dead and you are the last one left?

PS: I found out yesterday at work that the county emergency plans involve everyone gathering at the nearby community college. Note to self: Another reason to avoid the community college if emergency crews set up shop.

Kinetomortophobia: A Day in the life

Humankind has been plagued by fears throughout our entire existence. Since the first simian began the evolution to leave the trees and move across the ground - we have evolved a portion of the brain that allows us to recognize danger and respond proactively. You know, to run away before the big bad lion, tiger, or bear runs us down for their next lunch. That being said, I have a healthy appreciation for fear - it is something to be aware of as it makes sure we live longer lives and keep ourselves out of harms way (when done so reasonably).

However, many of us have strange fears - places our minds go that we can't really explain. There are strange fears, if you can imagine it; it is possible to be afraid of it. People who are afraid of the sun, people who are afraid of the dark, people who are afraid of ducks, open spaces, closed small spaces - all of these are fears one can have. There is even a fear of fear.

The purpose of this blog is to catalogue my own personal fear, a completely unreasonable and strange fear that I am not interested in facing, nor do I seek out a cure for. While this will be of pure entertainment value for most readers, I will list and post the thoughts and panicked emotions that come with my day to day living with my fear. You see dear readers, I am afraid of Zombies.

Now that you have taken the time to stop laughing, I would urge you to follow along as I let this year run its course. This is a fear that stays with me as much as a person lives fearful of clowns or spiders or snakes or anything else. So as the thoughts and the fear pop into my mind, I will post it here for everyone to read. Perhaps by the end of this you will see the tragic comedy that plays out in my mind day after day - and get a few laughs along the way.

Its okay - I know it will be at my expense, but that is a tab I am willing to pay.