CDC Zombie Planning

My fear, hilarious though it can be, is something that many consider a pop-culture icon. A mere traversing of a cultural idea with fears and values tossed into a nice mix - with a dash of undead for flavor for that story to be told. That being said, I always enjoy finding other zombie preparation plans, especially ones from reputable government agencies - like the CDC! The link here is a reposting of the blog post by the CDC. Granted, I am finding flaws in this plan of their (who wants to meet out in the open during a zombie attack?)

In any case, though the preparation kit does not include a shotgun or other weapon (I do NOT count a utility knife as a proper weapon when dealing with a ravenous flesh-eating mob) it does a good job of making sure people keep things in mind for any other emergency.

I mean seriously, not even a gun and ammunition?

Survival Ratings

Survivability is key for any individual who finds themselves in the midst of a zombie Apocalypse. Perhaps it is time to develop a sliding-dependency scale to determine the survivability of people in such an event. There would be a number of factors one would have to look at to insure everything was adequately examined.

First, you would have to score them on a single-survivor basis. How well can this person survive on their own - what are their chances to NOT become lunch.

Second, scoring them on a pairing or group survivability basis. Some skills work better when used in conjunction with other skills, so in essence their abilities work better with people around.

Thirdly, the mental stability needs to be examined. Last thing you want is someone who loses their mind just when you need it most. Some minds just do not handle the idea of the Apocalypse well.

So, we can call this the I-G-S-S score. Individual, Group Survivability and Stability score. IGSS, almost sounds cute. Perhaps the next few days I can develop a scoring process for each of the IGSS values. Anyone want to be a test subject?

Return to California

After a Blitzkrieg trip to Arizona for the weekend, I am back in California. A few lessons from my weekend I want to share.

1. I believe a personal parachute may count as a carry-on item. I can see the conversation now - "Sir, what is that in your bag?" Me "This is my insurance against your bad maintenance and poor piloting!" (very important when flying Continental. They like to land at 45 degree angles off the center axis, not the nose)

2. 3-D printers are alive and well in the world. While I have no use for the ones that print in cheese - epoxy, hard plastics, electro-responsive composites and metal all appeal to me as viable printing materials. Perhaps my belt-fed shot-gun could be made a reality!

3. Delta's exit hallways at LAX border on insanely creepy. Image below. My thoughts as I landed: God I miss Tera and Chloe, Crickey I am tired. Holy shit I need a picture of this hallway before the zombies come rushing at me. I think I would have found the energy to run even if they had shown up.

Damn Zombie hallways.

Dear Home Owner on the Hill

Dear Home owner on the hill,

I like your hours and its extremely defensible location, easy access to fields for growing food, and the ability to be reached in relatively little time in the event of a zombie apocalypse. Please understand I will only show up if the zombies are coming, no sooner. Just please be aware of the following concerns to save us both time and trouble.

1. I will keep you alive, and your family alive, until you are infected. If this happens I am "evicting" you, not the other way around.
2. Please keep a backhoe and pile driver parked behind your home. This, coupled with steel pylons, steel sheets and cement and mortar works will be part of my defensive position plans. I know you can pay for them so please do.
3. Email me where your water supply is, so I can secure it. I don't want to fight the undead for a drink.
4. There is no fourth request.
5. Please start your marksmanship practice now, I don't want to waste ammo training you after the fact.

Thank you for these considerations, I look forward to never having to meet you or and build a barricade around your home.

Signed Most Honorably,
Me.


I was hiking today and found one of the most perfect retreat positions in the event of a zombie apocalypse. Its on the high ground in the mountains north of Santa Barbara, and I wish I knew who lived there (or how long their driveway is because it is SERIOUSLY up there).

This house is so absurdly placed that I fell in love with it almost immediately. That, and on top of the damn house (though the picture doesn't quite show it) is a 360 degree observation floor. Windows facing outward from every face WELL ABOVE THE HOUSE! It is like they knew it themselves that they needed a snipers nest for taking out zombies before they got close. Also, in the event of a massive earthquake, it is not near an edge so landslides are unlikely, and may I say in the image below - Tsunami who?

For flipping Jehovah's sake - what else could I ask for? Well I could ask for the channel island preserve (yes I do consider it an option for my safe haven) given its close proximity to food sources, distance to shore, and its easy access to active oil wells. My only concern is getting trapped on the very island I am trying to secure for myself. In either case, I have another spot I can put on my list.

A few things NOT to do, When the Zombies come

1. Not prepare, and "hope for the best". - Completely and utterly stupid. If you idea is "I will lock my door and take a nap on the couch until Suzie comes home" You are just preparing yourself to be lunch.

2. Sleep in General - Guess what - sleeping just means you can't see them trying to get to you. I suggest you start practicing staying up for a week straight. First rule - ignore the voice in your head that says "we should get comfortable!", that little shit screws you every time.

3. Head to Costco first. Non-zombie Apocalypse this is fine, its a good idea. In a Zombie Apocalypse - WORST IDEA EVER to go anywhere lots of people would go. This includes church. Unless your church is the militant arm of some religious whack-job group that happens to be heavily armed. THEN  you go to church.

4. Don't help the neighbor you know has a gun "closet" that is half his house. He has guns, most likely is a better shot than you, and doesn't have all those "emotional attachments" to the rest of the neighbors once they get infected. Their is no shame in keeping his back while he keeps you from doing something stupid. Such as-

5. Rush your loved ones with hugs. I know, they are loved ones. But Zombies don't understand love, they understand exposed necks for biting, and arms for munching. Quarantine or restrain anyone until the infection threat is gone. Then arm them.

6. DO NOT, make your "base" on the first floor if you can help it. Zombies rarely wield weapons, so stairwells are great places to hold off the Zombie Horde if your barricades fail. High ground and a narrow funnel means even people who can't shoot the broad side of a barn suddenly become harbingers of a second death to the undead.

The Silence of Being Alone

Last night I was sent out on errands by the other half after we were all home. So, taking my daughter I left and gave her, my other half, some time alone in the apartment. When I returned with errand items in tow, she commented on how strange it was to have the apartment so quiet. I explained to her that the silence she experienced could also be maddening.

I spend a large portion of my time alone. If not in reality than at least emotionally. Living alone at these times all I have is the silence to keep me company. To be honest, silence is a jerk to have for company. Its creepy, over bearing and it makes you depressed. My apartment building is so quiet I don't even get the occasional fights in the unit next door, the rhythmic slamming of a couple "bonding" next door, or even kids running amok causing a racket. It is no wonder that I am driven to high levels of paranoia after a few days home alone.

Most of my days are silent and start out with this morning fog. No, this is not a picture of anywhere near me - I am using a picture from Ontario. In either case, waking up each day to this, having not heard a single person in sometimes 48 hours - well anyone would be worried about where the hell everyone was. Zombies could be just beyond the mists, finishing up the last of humanity except for me. Do I want to go wandering out into the nothingness to find out - no, that is stupid. Fog dissipates, wait for it to clear.

Aliens vs Zombies

I have finally gotten around to watching the Aliens movies. The alien species itself is quite strange to me, given the fact their parasitic growth cycle is just as dependent on killing humans as Zombies are infecting people. While watching "Aliens" I actually had the thought of "I wonder what an Aliens vs Zombies" movie would turn out like. Can aliens be zombi-fied? Do aliens prefer raw fresh flesh, or if it is still moving they will try to use the zombies just like humans?

Face huggers are just as bad as any Zombie virus. And the fact they can move around so well and jump out at you has its own level of creepiness to it. Just taking a walk in the park and then BAM! Face hugger downs you. This is very similar to walking through the park, and BAM! Zombie tackles and bites you.

In both cases a few hours from now you will be dead (or undead) and release a creature that is deadly to others, either the parasite from the alien or you become a zombie.

Would full grown aliens kidnap zombies for hosting the baby aliens from the face huggers? I guess it is a question of how fresh they need the meat to be. Humans are just cattle in this case. Is this like selecting between Long horn or dairy cow?

In either case I can make it through Aliens, not so much a zombie movie.

The Weapon of Choice: The Belt-Fed Shotgun

I have been thinking about an earlier blog I wrote about weaponry and how to choose your weapon to defend yourself with. Ever since I half-heartedly mentioned the idea of a belt-fed shotgun, I have not been able to get it out of my head. It was an idea of whim - something silly to be tossed on to the page. Now here I sit thinking of how such a contraption could work.

I am not a gun smith, and frankly it is probably one skill my family does not have. We can do a lot of things, but making guns I don't think is among them. Perhaps I could ask my father. One of my "fond" memories of him is from my last visit years ago. It was my last morning before I had to return home, and I find him in the garage making a grenade. It is not that I am afraid of explosives, quite the opposite. It is the absurdity that walking around in the workshops of my family you are likely to find any number of strange projects.

In any case, belt-fed shotgun. Shotguns filled with 00 buckshot are extremely deadly at close range. You don't have to aim particularly well and a cone of death spreads out from you. The problem is the reloading. Shotguns can have two, five, or eight shells in them before you are stuck putting a new shell in for each shot you want to have. The reloading process is one of the most easily interrupted as well. Single placement of cartridges is an additional spot for a mistake.

With a belt feed into the side of the mechanism, you can reduce the error of shaky hands in a combat situation. You fire, ratchet, and you are ready to go again. As long as you don't have things grabbing at you at close range (branches or undead) the belt can be kept clear and untangled on anything else. A shotgun with 100 or more rounds of fire, now that is a gun I want to see. Slug or 00 or even incendiary rounds are a winning combination.

The Quiet Morning

I am a morning person. I enjoy being awake long before the sun comes up, before people begin to clamor about and bring noise to the world. The silence and emptiness is both soothing and terrifying for  me.

I have enjoyed mornings here near the coast, with the beauty of fog clouding my vision out of the window of my apartment. The hill north of town with the homes I wish I could afford to buy sits beyond the white mists - but no one could say what its fate is at that point. As much as the fog gives the world a clean pristine mystery, it also holds the hidden dangers of what is within.

Some morning the silence is deafening. The crunch of gravel along the roads a thunderous clash, and my feet the cymbals of the heavens cast upon the earth. Any zombies could hear that. As strange as it may seem - I have not seen a zombie infestation that affeccts hearing. It seems that zombification affects sight, smell, strength and touch - but never hearing? Whoever dreams of zombies must be music lovers - god forbid they lose the ability to enjoy music while they are eating people.

I think those musical bastards must have it out for the rest of us. People with sensitively sharp ears as well - they created zombies to silence the world. I can see it now, a super-villain being asked.

"Why are you doing this? Why destroy the world?"

"Because everyone is too damn loud and I am trying to compose a symphony!"

<<Start Zombification>>

Damn people with sensitive ears. I wonder what I could create to get back at them? Other than my idea for a belt fed combat shotgun, Without that, I am at a loss.

Zombie Children

Nothing pisses me off more than the idea of Zombie Children. I mean seriously, children? Like people don't already have a hard time surviving the playground, now they have to go start eating people to top it off? I hated recess before Zombies. After - just makes it a living hell that was upgraded with more hell.

First, let us ignore the disturbing fact that children would have to get infected somehow. If you are an adult on a playground you already have a sign on you that says "attack me". Anyone who has worked with children know how this works. Within moments of stepping into their domain they are sent into a frenzy the likes of which is not rivalled by anywhere else in nature. It is like a collective, mad consciousness is ruling them from the moment they reach the slide. For some reason playground equipment brings out the primal energy of children. Turning them into fast moving torpedo's for attacking, tackling, climbing, swinging tunnelling and digging - it is a sight to behold.

Now make the mistake of letting them get infected. Children have the cleanliness facter of earthworms. Once it is in the ground they all share everything. Once a child has something, they all end up with it. They have a natural tendency to share every single contaminated item that comes into their possession. Everyone knows how quickly lice spreads? Colds? Flus? Now take all that primal energy and make it hungry. So now adults change from jungle gyms into buffets.

Let us not forget the cuteness factor. What group of national guard soldiers coming upon a playground full of children will shoot first and ask questions later? None. I can see it now:

"Oh these children are so cute, they are running to greet us!"

"Rawr!"

"My god the cute children are now trying to bite my ankles. Now they are climbing up on me, ow! he bit my neck!"

"Rawr!"

"Rawr!"

National Guard 0, zombie children plus a million. The most terrifying part of this is the fact that the chances for human survival are pretty darn slim with a child zombie army roving about. They would be like locusts eating crops. Quick moving packets of cuteness laced with death (and undeadness), scouring the countryside for the next group of stupid people who think it is cute when a wave of children come running at them. Think ahead and plan people. Go experience your son or daughter's playground. Once you see the terror they can wrought without  deadliness you will start to think about how to defend yourself.

Here is a hint: Children like to climb and wiggle through very small holes we otherwise don't think they can get through. Start preparing.

The Importance of Armor

Armor has existed for millenia. Granted the first armor was probably only decorative paint used to ward off enemy weapons an evil spirits, the idea id not the practicality was there. The people at least knew their frailty needed a suitable counter agent.

Eventually people wizened up and realized that pieces of tanned animal hide, wood and metal were much better protection than a gallon bucket of eggshell with primer mixed in. (Can you imagine the first person to question the witch doctor? "I don't know, your war paints are great but I think I still want to bring a shield for the archers...")

In the event of a zombie apacolypse I think everyone should keep in mind a quick and effective plan to make sure the walking dead have a harder time turning you to their ranks. Movie after Movie show so many of our would be heroes walking around is not much better than their Sunday best. While that is great for church, it pretty much does nothing to stop nails and teeth. I mean seriously - each one of you idiots knows that your opponents bite and scratch; yet you don't even take the time to wear an arm guard or long sleeves? How much trouble is it to take that big winter fleece and shove books or magazines inside. Do you know anyone who can bite through a full sized magazine?

Now that I have given one simplest of the simple ideas for body armor, I will go into other more complex ones. For those of you reading and who I advised to take note of Armories - remember they do have some limited amounts of body armor. Flak vests are better than nothing. Riot gear is a great full body protector. Not heavy duty but will give you a few extra close calls before you are lunch. Also take note of biological defense systems - the breathing apparatus will help make sure if you are facing an air-borne pathogen that you can breath easier (but not really. I hear it is a real pain in the ass to breath through those things. Once the filter is clogged it is like breathing with a 400 pound Samoan on your chest)

For myself, I like metal. I am a lithe guy, but I am strong enough to walk some distance even while wearing 60 pounds of steel covering me. I also know how to make chainmaille. Sure, it may be a pretty jewelry making skill, but when push comes to shove - I can make armor that can resist full on stabbing attacks with knives. That sort of protections pays, but making it takes quite awhile. If I had to work on my own I may take weeks to produce enough to make sure I am completely covered and bite proof. It also has almost know pathogen stopping system - so airborne zombieism would leave me vulnerable (but hence why I know about biological protection breathing wear - just in case)

So dear readers, make sure you are aware of how to save your skin, quite literally. When it comes to sharing body armor - you probably won't have any to spare.

Balance of Weaponry

I am at times torn between the two important considerations of balanced weaponry to protect myself. What are these considerations? Ammunition and Range. I hate getting into a bind where I have to pause to reload (like this is a common problem or concern). Especially when I somehow find myself trying to fight a zombie horde in the event of a zombie Apocalypse - I don't want to get caught unable to fight my way away to safety.

Both of these concerns revolve around a basic question of how to defend yourself. Melee weapons have the amazing benefit of never running out of ammunition. A Spear or baseball bat don't jam or run out. But lets face it, using them means you have to close enough to a zombie where the chances are good they may be able to infect you. Not very good in my mind.

The other option is a ranged weapons - the glorious ability to wreak havoc without being near any zombies is powerful - without that infection range that would be a concern with a melee weapon. However ranged weapons are limited when clearing out a city or a building, as your opponent is relatively close. Also, you have to keep track of how much ammo you have and when it is safe to reload. All these decisions and information to be up to date on. A poorly maintained weapon or miscounted ammo stock can be the difference between getting to safety and being on the menu.

All in all I still would prefer to maintain a distance between myself and any zombies. At least a good hundred miles or so. If that isn't possible I would like the world to invent the amazing and beautiful belt-fed combat shotgun. You have a choice between Double-0, Slug, and incendiary shells with the beauty of a near limitless magazine and the close quarters effectiveness of the shotgun.

Let the orders start coming in.

Riding that Highway....

Roadways are the strings that connect the far-flung cities of the world. More so than ships or planes, roads are the premier artery of people for this world. Boats and roads have both been around for thousands of years, and boating may have even pre-dated roads - at least in a formal way. How else did the Polynesians spread their culture across the south pacific so completely? Roads however have stuck with the American personality above all other modes of transportation.

I am going to be on the road tonight, and I am reminded of the fact that many of these roads will get clogged with people in any sort of emergency event. Do roads qualify as ZBA? I guess that depends on the roads. In cities like LA, where the highways are an after-thought to a massive population then I think a fair portion of them will become ZBA.

Awareness of the most secret alternate roads out of your area are a must. First, as a personal escape route, secondly so you know where to leave landmines to prevent zombies from coming unannounced. For hikers this means you will be the future scouts of America in times of need. You know the back areas of the country, and how find the routes through.

So, be nice to your family and friends who hike. Chances are they could save your life and avoid possible ZBA traffic jams.

Common Concerns

Today is a list of common thoughts that run through my head as I go through the day.

1. Walking through amusement parks, I often try to figure out the most defensible rides. I mean, if zombies attack an amusement park, since it is a veritable buffet of people, I need to know that I can get myself and my family to a safe place quickly while the slower people are eaten.

2. Supply point. I am one of those people that does their best to take note of the Nationa Guard Armories that I hear about. Between my apartment and Phoenix Arizona, there are three places where weapons will be available. Take note.

3. Ranchers are your friends. Many times they are very close to being self-supporting, and their first instinct is to shoot people running onto their lands, not embrace them and be bitten and infected. You want that sort of trust around you.

4. I will always place a trip to Home Depot above a trip to Costco on my list of places to be in an Zombie apocolypse. People in Home Depot are more likely to be armed, and be living in a defensible location, and Driving a truck (because trucks run down zombies easier then compact or fuel efficient vehicles). And besides, pretty much any Tom, Dick, and Sally goes to Costco - not ones packing heat. Another Zombie Buffet Area.

I think that is fine for now. In all future posts I am creating the ZBA acronym. ZBA = Zombie Buffet Area. Now you can talk to your friends in code about these places and not sound as crazy I do.

Walls

The balance between defence and aesthetics is hard to maintain. There are few places in history where defenses have not been overcome at one point or another. But even fewer where beauty made a structure easier to protect

Daily Concerns

I wake up and I am alone. Nothing different from when I went to bed, also alone. No one is around. Many nights the apartment building I call home is quiet, empty it seems of active life. It is moments like that, as I just pass the time until I am forced to leave, I wonder how I would know if something happened.

I mean - I am locked in my apartment, with only a few windows into the world, and those face an alleyway. I am functionally blind. If some event occurred and the world was quiet because everyone had evacuated (and I fear I missed the call) then how would I know? I have been known to sleep through rock concerts - would I really wake up to the sounds of sirens in the distance?

Yes I am careful when I open the door. Almost always I check out the peep-hole to make sure nothing is waiting for me, before I turn the knob to go out. So think on that next time you are completely alone, and everything is quiet around you. Is it quiet because it is just a quiet neighborhood; or is it quiet because everyone is dead and you are the last one left?

PS: I found out yesterday at work that the county emergency plans involve everyone gathering at the nearby community college. Note to self: Another reason to avoid the community college if emergency crews set up shop.

Kinetomortophobia: A Day in the life

Humankind has been plagued by fears throughout our entire existence. Since the first simian began the evolution to leave the trees and move across the ground - we have evolved a portion of the brain that allows us to recognize danger and respond proactively. You know, to run away before the big bad lion, tiger, or bear runs us down for their next lunch. That being said, I have a healthy appreciation for fear - it is something to be aware of as it makes sure we live longer lives and keep ourselves out of harms way (when done so reasonably).

However, many of us have strange fears - places our minds go that we can't really explain. There are strange fears, if you can imagine it; it is possible to be afraid of it. People who are afraid of the sun, people who are afraid of the dark, people who are afraid of ducks, open spaces, closed small spaces - all of these are fears one can have. There is even a fear of fear.

The purpose of this blog is to catalogue my own personal fear, a completely unreasonable and strange fear that I am not interested in facing, nor do I seek out a cure for. While this will be of pure entertainment value for most readers, I will list and post the thoughts and panicked emotions that come with my day to day living with my fear. You see dear readers, I am afraid of Zombies.

Now that you have taken the time to stop laughing, I would urge you to follow along as I let this year run its course. This is a fear that stays with me as much as a person lives fearful of clowns or spiders or snakes or anything else. So as the thoughts and the fear pop into my mind, I will post it here for everyone to read. Perhaps by the end of this you will see the tragic comedy that plays out in my mind day after day - and get a few laughs along the way.

Its okay - I know it will be at my expense, but that is a tab I am willing to pay.