Waking up to the Undead

I had another Zombie filled night. It was by far not the worst one - I have seen things in the past that have both frightened me and driven me to tears. Last night was just hour after hour of gnawing fear.

I would like to thank those that appeared in my dream, for not dying. Last thing I like to have to deal with is people I care about turning into zombies. Jeff Johnson - though you might mock me in real life about my fear of zombies you were supportive and helped prepare against them. Though after putting a hatchet in your shin as a kid, and a titanium rod in your thigh as a teenager - the idea of extended bouts of running from the undead probably would not be very appealing.

I am not sure why, but I was an amusement park. People knew the undead horde was coming, some of them anyways, yet still they played on. The park itself seemed to have themed sections for a southwest "western" prairie with a mountainous area to walk in. There was a bayou area inexplicably next to the Polynesian area. And the winter area seemed nice - but was prone to avalanches that wiped people out.

I can't tell you what type of zombie attacked, or how many were taken out. After they first showed up I just kept waking myself up. Every time I tried closing my eyes to sleep they were there again. Sure - dream about zombies it is just a movie with a play and pause function. Try to dream about being super-powered, winning a major political race or a three- I guess I can stop there. You get the picture.

So, I got around two and a half hours of sleep. I am tired, and I have a wall to patch up today. Trip to a dinosaur show, the Science Museum and grocery shopping. Sounds like I will be pretty tired today.

Disneyland: Zombie Deathtrap

I am heading to Disneyland. My family and I LOVE Disney. It is not the perfect organization, but we know the in & outs of the parks and tend to enjoy the films. Wall-E is MY movie, not the kids. Hell, I enjoy picking apart the "Why Disney was horrible" lists. Believe it or not, a majority of the issues can be solved by better vacation planning and knowing what you are getting yourself into. That being said......

Disneyland is a Deathtrap in a Zombie attack. This is a pure ZBA zone. Tightly packed and ridiculously slow moving - humans are turned into cattle. How many times have I gotten stuck behind a slow moving pack of tourists blocking entire pathways (meant to allow 15 to 20 people walking side by side)? I can't count that high. Thankfully the other half and I are adept and intimidating these slow mover out of the way, and finding gaps large enough to pass through.

This reminds me to bring up a warning to said slow moving shamblers - In a zombie outbreak I just have to be faster than you are. Second note. I already am faster so enjoy the horde coming behind me.

I try not to be too paranoid about Zombies, but for anyone who has waited in line for the Rodger Rabbit Ride - understand the fear that dark shadow and strange noises can bring. That is one creepy kids ride. Typically Zombies based on disease will find that Amusement parks are probably some of the greatest places to strike. While they can't make a choice to go there more than any other - the combination of limited escape paths, crowded conditions, and screams and loud noises already being common create a disaster scenario. The crowd will take time to have the warning filter through. Even longer will be the tossing away of disbelief. Most won't believe it until the zombie horde reaches them. At that point - they don't have many options for escape.

Strangely enough, Two locations appear to be safer than the others - Tom Sawyer's Island (since it is surrounded by water) and Toontown - Since it has a full separating gate. Additionally, these are two of the further points from the entrance of the park, so they will have the longest warning of any point. Of the two locations - Toontown actually could survive awhile since there are basic refreshments available. However there are dozens of back-access points for Toontown - each one is a possible breach point for the horde of now undead vacationers massing at the gates. I would rate this one as having potential - but being much riskier.

Tom Sawyers Island, surrounded by a narrow moat, has a number of spots you can hide in, and if the Zombies are unable to swim (cross your fingers) you can make quick rush's for supplies at the Hungry Bear restaurant across the water. While you will get wet on the way there - Hungry Bear's is right on the water front, and is next door to the damn Canoe rental. Coming back with supplies is MUCH easier if you have a method to transport it. Brush up on your canoe skills prior to attempting this trip. Zombies may try to attack you in the water. Just pray they cannot.

However through all of this, I try to maintain my sanity. I will survive and continue to write this. As I walk the park I may just be spending my time calculating how fast I can get to Tom Sawyers Island - at least it is near my favorite Restaurants in the French Quarter. Thank god for that....

Terminal Defense Position: Vardo

Been awhile since I covered a Terminal Defense Position, but with the absurdity of the location I found on Google Maps yesterday just calls for one. The islands of Vardoya, or the town of Vardo, Norway.

Limited Approach
I guess this location should be called - "Not much farther North is possible" given its extreme location. This is probably a location that will be reserved for Norwegian and Swedish refugees of the Zombie take over of the world. It is seriously out of consideration for 95% of the global population. This pair of islands are actually just off the East Coast of one of Norway's most northern territories. Aside from a boat in the presumably rough waters of the Artic, the only other option to reach the island is a single tunnel. As far as proximity to humanity goes - this place will probably survive with its population intact. You probably even have some allies that can help you to survive. These people are pretty much all there is for miles (or Kilometers as they would say). That, and the Gulf Current keeps this place relatively mild, considering how far north this location is. In this regard - they score an easy 10/10.

Supplies
This one is a bit tricky. Vardo is beyond the Artic Tree line so you won't be growing any trees for fuel - it also puts building supplies at a premium. A survivor here would have to be careful that they didn't abuse their limited resources. An advantage this location has, is the proximity to the Norwegian Oil and Gas fields. While that means you will want to be careful when you go out exploring - it means that you should have a large supply of fuel to use to stay warm. In addition to the oil and gas fields - this is also a major fishery. If you don't like fish, you will soon learn to appreciate it because that is about all you will have to eat if the globe is overrun by zombies. While this location has some benefits for resources for food and fuel - it is a limited location in other major areas of necessity. 6.5/10

Available Skill Sets

This is a bit more limited than other locations - since this is not a major city, nor is it relatively close to an area filled with highly skilled labor. What this place does have is survival skills, and a ridiculously stubborn toughness that should probably be incredibly helpful in a fight. For goodness sake these people live above the Artic Tree Line! A "hot" day is in the 50's (F). That being said, while your stay will not be luxurious in any sense - you will survive, and eventually prosper. Hell - they actually have fortifications on the Island which could be useful in a pinch. 7/10

Overall Scored
This location scores well on in areas that determine true survival, but it is a really distant location. While there may not be many ZBA's nearby, anyone wanting to get here to this location could be facing some pretty extensive journeys through what would become "wild" lands with some of the harshest and most beautiful terrain the world has to offer. However, it is at the exact end of a highway that flows through the entire continent of Europe which helps with navigation and travel. Resupply will eventually need to occur for lumber and other supplies, but at least you will have a safe base to retreat to. This location gets a 30/40.

I really Hope Zombies Can't Swim

I really hope Zombies can't swim. Seriously. Do you know how difficult it would be to stop the undead hordes if Zombies could swim? Probably just a shade below impossible, and would seriously restrict locations people could call safe havens. This would of course rely on the fact that aquatic animals would not eat them, or their water logged flesh would soak up water and they would sink into the dark depths of the ocean. There, their decomposed forms would be crushed into a wet mass of undead mush.

As long as a location can be successfully cut off or easily monitored it can remain a safe location. Even if standing water is removed as a barrier, there still remains rushing water, mountains, fire and sheer cliffs. Each of these can create hazards that the undead would be heavily challenged by. I mean, if you could build near one, having a constant flow of magma from a volcano would be a pretty impressive barrier. Granted - being that close to a volcano may not be the best location for long term survival. Volcano's tend to be a tad bit temper-mental in even the best circumstances.

Part of the difficult in preparing a zombie free zone that one can live in comfortably is the basic idea that as Zombies have become more common in media - their myths have changed. Initially zombies only sought out brains - but after a decade or two their palates grew into a general hunger for human flesh. After their hunger changed, then they began to change into more fearsome beasts. Now they can run, climb and turn into relatively powerful monkey-like creatures to terrify humanity. I have to assume these myths changed because of the American culture itself. How could a zombification disease spread in a country that has more than one gun for every single man, woman and child within its borders? Making Zombies more powerful makes that possible.

However this expansion of the genre has its drawbacks. The original zombie idea was an embodiment of a slow progressing rot, a slow death through overwhelming odds. The fear of the slow inevitable end of your life as you are faced with your mortality from those that are already passed on. That is an incredibly different fear than "Holy crap that rage-beast is going to try and gnaw my limbs off".

One theory on the development of Fears is that for some people they are manifestations of other incremental problems in their life. these fears are the way that the mind takes a single object or theme and puts all those different pieces into a single larger one. While this doesn't work for all cases, with some analysis of what a fear entails a person can reasonably figure out why someone is afraid of something.

I am aware enough of my fear, and who I am as a person to understand a large portion of my fear of zombies, and how it is different from other fears. I can see the path my mind followed to create the fear, and why at this point in my life, this manifestations of my fear is so powerful for me. It warrants a close inspection from anyone with any level of fear, as to why and how that fear came to be a part of you. Like it or not, that fear probably has a good reason to be there.

Zombie Preparation Kit

I always enjoy finding other Zombie apocalypse plans, or being sent lists of items that everyone should have in case of a Zombification event. To be entirely frank - I have a pretty in depth list as it is - I even had to develop a way of processing new items as they get brought up to see where they lie in order of importance. Let's face it now - some things are just more important for long term zombie attack survival than others. Holly Madison is pretty far down on the list - sorry her fake boobs, insured or not, won't make life any easier when people start eating each other.

Today's list is actually from last week - CNN Money created a list of items (and their cost - as if money is important with undead running around) that everyone should consider having in the event of a zombie level event. Perhaps I should make that another acronym - ZLE.

1. Ghost 400 Crossbow - I will be honest, there is a special place in my heart for crossbows. This is the medieval equivalent of armor piercing bullets. While arrows always had a better range and are very deadly - crossbows are the cudgels of long range weapons. They don't just pierce - they SLAM into their target at the minimum taking the wind out of them. While the review says aim for the head - most likely you will remove the entire head when you hit - solving that pesky biting once they are down problem. Oh - and the ammunition is re-usable (if you feel the need to retrieve your shots that is)

2. Husqvarna Chainsaw - Chainsaw's were made popular by two things = Evil Dead and the Doom series (if you haven't ever found the chainsaw in Doom you haven't really ever played it). While I commend any destructive weapon - chainsaws are noisy and messy - splattering blood and gore that will most likely infect yourself and your peers - reducing the numbers of non-undead.

3. Orchid Samurai Sword - Swords - while not the optimum weapon of choice due to their range, they are the most dependable. No one has ever said they have run out of ammunition while using a sword. Swords do not jam, they operate in the cold, the heat, under water..... pretty much if you can move the sword works. I have few already myself.

4. Anti-Riot Helmet - Any sort of armor that is light and effective is a bonus in my book. The downside to this model is that the neck is open for biting. If it doesn't have a coif - it is not going to help as much as it should.

5. Anti-Riot Armor - I pretty much have to repeat my last statement. I love armor - and this stuff looks great. Two deficiencies in this design though. First, no neck protection (coifs were invented for a reason people) and even more bizarre in this case - why does this thing not have gloves included?

6. Skull-faced mask - This is screaming "Shoot me as well!" I get the whole intimidation factor for the living, but this is for the undead - the only thing this does is make you a target.

7. Night Vision goggles - This is a pretty good idea. If you can find a few pair, it never hurts to have them once night falls. Darkness has always been the ally of the undead - for some reason rotting eye tissues have excellent night vision capabilities. While I call bullshit on that - it doesn't hurt to have the upper hand with your body armor to also have better vision than the undead hunting you.

It is a limited list - but a list none-the-less. I just have to wonder how much money was plugged into CNN Money for placing these items and their manufacturers. Either way - all of these items will be more useful than Holly Madison. Unless of course you intend to use her as bait (which is a honest waste).

Lightsabers and Zombies

There are a lot of nay-sayers about Star Wars, calling it a cheap sci-fi.In some regards it is a science fiction not grounded in reality. Much of the science fiction genre gets its draw from the very plausible and frightening concepts of what our reality can become. Let me remind everyone that the movie does start with a disclaimer saying this story takes place in elsewhere-ville. That being said, let me discuss a very potent instrument that I like from the film.

Just like the word "Plastics" from the Graduate, "Lightsabers" is the word I want on everyones mind today. These weapons supposedly formed of pure destructive light are seen cutting through everything in the movie - except at random intervals where they cut nothing. These are an instrument that a person should be able to use to cut their way through an entire ship, or a cave wall - and not just to turn a Bantha into a sleeping bag.

Can you imagine the damage these things would do to a Zombie Horde? Unlike most medieval weapons that stop when they hit something, a lightsaber continues through a zombie like they are not even there. That is what I call effective.

Any takers on helping me create the lightsabers we will need for a zombie apocalypse?

Strange Moments of Vulnerability

There are certain times and places that my fear of Zombie attacks spike. There are just common situation or every day occurences that leave a person open to be attacked by the undead, something we should all take note of.

1. Getting a massage. You are relaxing, trying to stay calm and something jumps on your back knawing on you. I was seriously thinking this saturday morning while getting a massage - least relaxing massage day ever.

2. Bathroom breaks. Nothing leave you more open for attack. Diapers people, Diapers.

3. Exiting your home/apartment. Blind corners, doorways, and pretty much every time you turn a corner too sharp you are just asking for trouble.

4. Late night jogs. Who goes running late at night? People who live in Arizona who want to live through the summer.

5. Sleeping. Most horrifying time ever, because you just don't stay awake while you sleep. If I could be awake while I got my 5 hours of sleep - I would be much happier.

A few things NOT to do, When the Zombies come

1. Not prepare, and "hope for the best". - Completely and utterly stupid. If you idea is "I will lock my door and take a nap on the couch until Suzie comes home" You are just preparing yourself to be lunch.

2. Sleep in General - Guess what - sleeping just means you can't see them trying to get to you. I suggest you start practicing staying up for a week straight. First rule - ignore the voice in your head that says "we should get comfortable!", that little shit screws you every time.

3. Head to Costco first. Non-zombie Apocalypse this is fine, its a good idea. In a Zombie Apocalypse - WORST IDEA EVER to go anywhere lots of people would go. This includes church. Unless your church is the militant arm of some religious whack-job group that happens to be heavily armed. THEN  you go to church.

4. Don't help the neighbor you know has a gun "closet" that is half his house. He has guns, most likely is a better shot than you, and doesn't have all those "emotional attachments" to the rest of the neighbors once they get infected. Their is no shame in keeping his back while he keeps you from doing something stupid. Such as-

5. Rush your loved ones with hugs. I know, they are loved ones. But Zombies don't understand love, they understand exposed necks for biting, and arms for munching. Quarantine or restrain anyone until the infection threat is gone. Then arm them.

6. DO NOT, make your "base" on the first floor if you can help it. Zombies rarely wield weapons, so stairwells are great places to hold off the Zombie Horde if your barricades fail. High ground and a narrow funnel means even people who can't shoot the broad side of a barn suddenly become harbingers of a second death to the undead.

The Great State of Washington: Defensible Locations

Ah yes, defensible locations. One of my favorite subjects, and quite frankly one of the most important subjects people should ever have on their mind. Is this place defensible? Can I survive here? Will Michael Jackson's Thriller really make the dead dance in perfect rhythm? Thankfully I can answer all of these questions pretty regularly.

The reason why Washington is on my list tonight is due to a very strange, but thankful, quirk in the whole Zombie mythos - zombies can't swim. I am greatly thankful for this (and I am sure somewhere a Sci-Fi staff writer is making a case for "Water Zombies" for their next bad movie) as it makes more locations defensible than others. With other fantasy creatures you have more logistic concerns. Skeletons being some of the worst undead to deal with since they can do pretty much everything they want (except blink and tan I guess). A ship full of skeletons? A VERY dangerous thing that. A ship full of zombies? Only dangerous if you are stupid enough to get on board with them.

Anyways, Washington. The northwest portion of the state, as I found through my google map wanderings, is a veritable treasure trove of mild-climate islands and peninsula. Granted, I mean mild climate not because it isn't cold, but because you are not completely snowed in. That and I am sure that bears can make short work of pesky Zombies wandering in the woods. But having a few hundred acres of livable land and access to fresh water directly from the sky a majority of the year is a pretty sweet deal. All you have to do is hold a line that could be as little as a mile wide and you have a perfect bottle neck to defend from.

Also, would be champions of undead-killing, remember to make sure you are on the correct side of the bottle-neck. nothing I hate worse than someone setting up perimeter at  the bottle neck. Before any of your stupid friends start digging their trenches (or building barricades which is smarter with an enemy intent on eating you) make sure they understand that they want their opponent to come through the bottle-neck, not sit in front of it.

In either case, Washington earns today's award for defensibility. Anyone have any other suggestions I should evaluate?