Disneyland: Zombie Deathtrap

I am heading to Disneyland. My family and I LOVE Disney. It is not the perfect organization, but we know the in & outs of the parks and tend to enjoy the films. Wall-E is MY movie, not the kids. Hell, I enjoy picking apart the "Why Disney was horrible" lists. Believe it or not, a majority of the issues can be solved by better vacation planning and knowing what you are getting yourself into. That being said......

Disneyland is a Deathtrap in a Zombie attack. This is a pure ZBA zone. Tightly packed and ridiculously slow moving - humans are turned into cattle. How many times have I gotten stuck behind a slow moving pack of tourists blocking entire pathways (meant to allow 15 to 20 people walking side by side)? I can't count that high. Thankfully the other half and I are adept and intimidating these slow mover out of the way, and finding gaps large enough to pass through.

This reminds me to bring up a warning to said slow moving shamblers - In a zombie outbreak I just have to be faster than you are. Second note. I already am faster so enjoy the horde coming behind me.

I try not to be too paranoid about Zombies, but for anyone who has waited in line for the Rodger Rabbit Ride - understand the fear that dark shadow and strange noises can bring. That is one creepy kids ride. Typically Zombies based on disease will find that Amusement parks are probably some of the greatest places to strike. While they can't make a choice to go there more than any other - the combination of limited escape paths, crowded conditions, and screams and loud noises already being common create a disaster scenario. The crowd will take time to have the warning filter through. Even longer will be the tossing away of disbelief. Most won't believe it until the zombie horde reaches them. At that point - they don't have many options for escape.

Strangely enough, Two locations appear to be safer than the others - Tom Sawyer's Island (since it is surrounded by water) and Toontown - Since it has a full separating gate. Additionally, these are two of the further points from the entrance of the park, so they will have the longest warning of any point. Of the two locations - Toontown actually could survive awhile since there are basic refreshments available. However there are dozens of back-access points for Toontown - each one is a possible breach point for the horde of now undead vacationers massing at the gates. I would rate this one as having potential - but being much riskier.

Tom Sawyers Island, surrounded by a narrow moat, has a number of spots you can hide in, and if the Zombies are unable to swim (cross your fingers) you can make quick rush's for supplies at the Hungry Bear restaurant across the water. While you will get wet on the way there - Hungry Bear's is right on the water front, and is next door to the damn Canoe rental. Coming back with supplies is MUCH easier if you have a method to transport it. Brush up on your canoe skills prior to attempting this trip. Zombies may try to attack you in the water. Just pray they cannot.

However through all of this, I try to maintain my sanity. I will survive and continue to write this. As I walk the park I may just be spending my time calculating how fast I can get to Tom Sawyers Island - at least it is near my favorite Restaurants in the French Quarter. Thank god for that....

I am Almost Free....

...of trailers for World War Z. Frankly, I cannot be more excited for this movie to be in theaters so I can move on with my movie watching. It is getting more and more annoying trying to watch movies without this playing.

Look, I like movies, and I love movie trailers, but having Zombie jump out at me every time I try to go out and enjoy myself is just, well, frustrating. I am glad that this movie has been made - because what I know of the book is all good - in a literary sense. While the movie speeds up the infection spread incredibly I think that this film may turn out to be pretty good for those who go see it. I will not be seeing it - I frankly don't think I could survive seeing it sober. And to drink to be able to sit through it - well I don't know if there is enough scotch I could sneak into the theater to make that possible.

I know this is all me, and it is my problem. You just have not felt the apprehension and the tension my body experience with a zombie film. I have written about how I couldn't make it through Zombieland - and that is not an exaggeration. my heart raise and blood pressure increased to a point I could feel it in my hands and feet. I was in full-animal-fear-response mode. You can't fake that sort of response. Even as my fiance urges me to confront the fear and see the movie with her I will be unable to do so. I don't think my heart is strong enough to handle two hours of near heart attack level of pressure. If it could - I would probably run a marathon afterwards.

So all of you out there heading out to see the movie - I wish you the best of evenings, but please - leave me out of it so I can enjoy the rest of my movies this summer.

Science of Zombies

Son of a B-. No, I won't swear at that level in the blog, but I sure as hell did say it out loud when I read and watched the video about the science that could create an actual zombie-like event. Located on Mashable, this article discusses the ability of a virus to meet the qualifications necessary to create a zombie horde.

You see, nature is a mean spirited destroyer of all things - just as much as she can create some amazing wonders. No one should ever forget that that same person who creates the awesome beauty of things like this image at right:








Also create terrible things like this:

That is an image of Hurricane Sandy from space as it envelopes a majority of the Eastern Seaboard. Like I said - Mother Nature is not all sunshine and honeybees. 

Imagine my displeasure to hear that she allows for viruses to take over human brain function. I don't think anyone can ignore the fact that Rabies is a disease that acts like this. It is a mean spirited bug intent on death and to spread itself to new victims. Why do you think Rabies causes aggressive behavior and salivation in animals? Aggression makes the animal use its main weapon - biting, and salivation is a method to spread itself - since Rabies is passed through fluids. 

It doesn't take much of a stretch to get to unending hunger and other loss of mental control. The video explains that all it takes is a virus specifically targeting those parts of the brain. The terrible part of it as well - is that the virus could easily enter via a sense of smell. The damn olfactory nerves lead directly to the part of the brain that handles these sorts of things. 

Damn Nature. Now I have to worry about things I may smell. This planet is flipping crazy!

Terminal Defensive Positions

I am pretty sure my family has been involved, in some form or another, in most every major conflict in the last 1000 years of Western European history. No - I can't confirm all of that - that is the beauty of "anecdotal" history. Needless to say though, of all the generations currently alive - all of them have served in the military. At least one member of the family has found their way into the defense of the country we call home. Part of the reason this matters to me - is because all of us are obsessed with tactics and strategy. My love of strategy also bleeds over into my fear of the undead.

In the past I have written about my need to know the escape routes of places I am at, or think of how I can turn said locations into an easily defensible position. This is important to me - in some part of my mind I need to know what sort of defensive strategy I should have in place for where I am at a given moment. Handy? not most of the time, but it is in that one in a million time when that sort of information needs to be understood. 

This entry will discuss the importance of Terminal Defense Positions. These are locations that have a few required ratings that a person should take into consideration, to determine how long you should stay there, and what sort of places really are the best places to escape to in case of zombie outbreak.

1. Limited Approach. How limited are the access points for the undead to reach you. Are you trying to hide in a green house? (That is an Epic Fail by the way) Are you just hanging out in your basement/attic? (Another possible group of FAIL) Are you using one of these?

Yes, that is one freaking epic-ally hard to approach fortress (Built in Yemen according to the Google Image search that found it). While this limited approach appears, well, pretty awesome, it does suggest utter failure in the next category.

2. Length of Stay before Re-Supply. While that Yemeni fortress above is a great place to draw a proverbial "line in the sand", it probably doesn't have a natural spring of fresh water inside of it. That rock looks pretty dry. Probably doesn't have access to fuel - either wood, oil, gas, or anything else. While it would be perfect for a solar installation (power for the place and shade for you is a good idea) lugging solar panels around in the apocalypse is not going to be an option here.

3. Supplies. How difficult is it to manage long-term in that location. Can you supply yourself food, fresh water, and fuel supplies? Materials to rebuild equipment that breaks? I do not consider non-replenishing scavenging here. The idea that you can "scavenge forever" is faulty - and fails to take in the assumption that there are million of tons of high-grade explosives and nuclear weapons that will be used in a Zombie Apocalypse. 

That whole "you need two keys and some magic codes from that briefcase by the president..." goes out the window really fast when a rural base commander see a nearby town overrun with undead coming at his soldiers, and he gets a technician to jury rig an override to that fancy trigger gizmo inside of it. Nuclear weapons need two things - fissionable materials and a really big *bang* surrounding it to get it to become unstable. every other part is just to help or control the reaction when it prepares to go off. Urban centers will be ravaged by fires, nuclear and traditional explosions and the thousands of people living in that town that panic and strip the place bare before you get to it. Scavenging will not be a good fall back plan. 

4. Available Skill Set. Some people are more valuable than others to save - sorry Geek Squad. Unless you can toss together a Tesla Coil or any other technical feasible device other than an Ipod we don't need you. I will not have to worry about my IP Address in the Apocalypse. Civil engineers, Contractors, Electricians, Pipe Fitters, Masons... Hell with it - just find every tradesmen you can tie up and toss in whatever vehicle you have around. Ignore doctors, get the Nurse Practitioners first - they do a lot of the real work anyways. 

This is a perfect time to be friends with a Union Representative because chances are he knows some of the best in these trades. Please don't discuss Union vs. non-Union here - Unions are more connected typically than non union and we need that knowledge fast. You don't have time to take applications and do background checks.

Additionally, it is handy to know that crazy, food hoarding gun enthusiast down the street - that I assume you made sure to invite to every fun event at your home you could get away with over the past few years. If he is hoarding Twinkies you don't have to be his friend - we want the people that are hoarding raw grains and salts for curing the meat they hunt or fish themselves. That family - strange as you may think they are, will have what you need. You better have been helping them out otherwise they might just shoot you on sight.

These four values should be used to evaluate any location that you want to sit down in and ride out the hoard of undead wiping out all those people you didn't really like anyways. Next week - we will begin going over locations that are best suited for a long term survival of you and your family (or people you saved instead of your horrible, horrible, insane family that were the first to be turned).  

Bad news - California is actually, AGAIN, one of the best places to be for this sort of event - if you can avoid the initial problem of that state having more undead than any other on the continent. Goddamn hippies did that on purpose didn't they?

Zombies Details

One of the most fascinating aspects of my personal fear, are the minor details that can determine whether or not I freak out. Instead of being a broad brush, like a general fear of guns - and it won't matter what type of gun, my fear is much more finicky. While I do know a large amount of Psychological theory as it pertains to personality - I know strikingly little about the dynamics of how fears develop and mature in ones psyche.

I know it sounds strange, but my fear is only triggered by a few specific sets of characteristics that if they are not in the correct alignment I am not as afraid. You see my fiance pointed this out to me just a few weeks ago, I am not afraid of the rabid humans from "I am Legend", when by all obvious accounts I should be. In fact, the level of virulence is so very high in that film that it is almost unbelievable. The people mutated by the virus still ate everyone else, they still destroyed humanity in almost it's entirety. I am not sure what it is about this that helps me to watch the film - though I admit I am still nervous about the virulence of the disease. In fact, I am more worried about the virus than I am the rage-filled mutants eating and killing everyone.

Let's take another example - Skeletons. by all accounts, if my fear of the undead was a blanket "they should be dead but are not" than my fear should also cover skeletons. However this is not the case, I am actually quite fine with them running around as an army bent on terrorizing the local village. Hell, I even have my best friend from high school to credit with an incredibly useful trap for aquatically inclined heroes in D&D and other role playing games.

No, my fear really is about a very specific set of things that must be in place for zombies to terrorize me. Virus - yes. Eating people - yes. Stumbling rotting flesh bent on mindless consumption that is society - yes.

I am not sure I will ever figure out what specifically qualifies a specific thing to become terrifying, but I am sure it is in there somewhere. I guess as the saying goes - the devil is in the details. 

The Coming of the "Z"

I love movie previews, I admit it - I am one of those weirdos that will watch a movie preview repeatedly until I have memorized the lines (or my 2 year old daughter has memorized the Dwarven hymn from the hobbit preview). It is one of the reasons I show up early to movies - I like seeing the previews. I even enjoy some of the ones found on movies once you buy them and bring them home (not for the same movie) but I will grow tired of them then. 

However, this year I get to wait in fear - of the World War Z preview. I hear it is great - and I intend to miss it as much as I am possibly able to. I am prone to covering my eyes, plugging my ears and humming while zombie previews play in the theater. I will skip over Walking Dead commercials on TV. I will not be a part of it. I simply try to avoid any Zombie input I possibly can to save myself from the Trauma of having my mind take Zombie-ism and run with it. 

My significant other is already trying to convince me to see the movie - I am adamantly opposed. Any of her friends reading this - please go with her to see the movie. there was supposedly even a new zombie love story coming out - no I won't see that either. I don't care if it is a funny undead film, I can't watch it. Many of you should remember the blog entry where I wrote that I barely made it a few scenes into Zombieland. Which brings me to a solid point to any wold-be con artists of the undead destroyed world: If you tell me you were bitten and are infected I won't take time to hem and haw about what comes next. You get ten seconds and then I leave or take care of business. Talk about a con-artist backfire.

As an example, I could not even handle the Marvel: Zombie! comic series. I tried reading part of one in the book store last year. By the time I was a few pages in I could feel my blood pressure rising and my fears kicking in. For crying out loud - how the HELL could my brain be so loopy that I am worried about The Hulk being a zombie? *sigh*

Anyways, My holiday season, while I try to get all the movies I want to see (Hitchcock, Flight, Skyfall, The Hobbit...), now gets the added bonus of having to hid from zombie flicks. Maybe I will get lucky and will just get movies that don't have the previews containing the undead, I will hope for that. If not - I will just look forward to being more skittish than ever.

PS: Movie theaters - Worst place ever for a zombie refuge. Qualifies as a ZBA.