Terminal Defense Position: Pertek Castle

I do my best to keep track of what is going on in the world - its very important to understand our world and the events shaping it. I feel this is doubly important when someone is trying to write a story that includes global level events. If you don't understand the impact of that crop failure on a nation thousands of miles away your world begins to fray. You can't have an army destroy every food source available in its march to conquer the world without SOMEONE going hungry. Food comes and goes somewhere so you need to understand it.

I was reading up on what the Islamic State was doing in attacking a city near the Syrian border with Turkey and I discovered a very fascinating location for a Terminal Defense Position. Following the river just west of the city of Kobane, I followed the river into the mountains of Turkey. Once there I noticed an island with an old fortress on it. The fortress of Pertek.

Given its location, the island probably has more history hidden on it than any writer would dream of making up. Sitting smack in the mountains of Eurasia this sort of place is a wonder unto itself.

Limited Approach:
This is an island located in a lake surrounded by mountains. Can't argue against deep water with steep cliff approaches as benefits. However - in a global wipe out of humanity by zombies being in the connecting land between most major population centers of the planet might be a big downer.

Length of Stay Before Resupply:
Across the lake is ample farmland. If you prepare for it and bring solar panels it is on a similar parallel to my current one making solar electricity very viable. These two supply items would make the stay work quite well.

Supplies:
Farms will work decently for a long while, and being a freshwater lake it is likely to have some decent fishing. However mineral and technical resources are limited in the area - and it won't be an easy trek out of the mountain country to replace things.

This place is a defensible spot with food sources nearby. There is ample sunlight and fresh water would be readily available - as long as no contamination comes from upriver. I think this local with its food nearby makes a solid place to hang out in the apocalypse of undead.

Also - do a Google image search for this area. It is absolutely beautiful. All the good pictures I felt were copyrighted and I didn't want to deal with that issue today.

Waking up to the Undead

I had another Zombie filled night. It was by far not the worst one - I have seen things in the past that have both frightened me and driven me to tears. Last night was just hour after hour of gnawing fear.

I would like to thank those that appeared in my dream, for not dying. Last thing I like to have to deal with is people I care about turning into zombies. Jeff Johnson - though you might mock me in real life about my fear of zombies you were supportive and helped prepare against them. Though after putting a hatchet in your shin as a kid, and a titanium rod in your thigh as a teenager - the idea of extended bouts of running from the undead probably would not be very appealing.

I am not sure why, but I was an amusement park. People knew the undead horde was coming, some of them anyways, yet still they played on. The park itself seemed to have themed sections for a southwest "western" prairie with a mountainous area to walk in. There was a bayou area inexplicably next to the Polynesian area. And the winter area seemed nice - but was prone to avalanches that wiped people out.

I can't tell you what type of zombie attacked, or how many were taken out. After they first showed up I just kept waking myself up. Every time I tried closing my eyes to sleep they were there again. Sure - dream about zombies it is just a movie with a play and pause function. Try to dream about being super-powered, winning a major political race or a three- I guess I can stop there. You get the picture.

So, I got around two and a half hours of sleep. I am tired, and I have a wall to patch up today. Trip to a dinosaur show, the Science Museum and grocery shopping. Sounds like I will be pretty tired today.

Disneyland: Zombie Deathtrap

I am heading to Disneyland. My family and I LOVE Disney. It is not the perfect organization, but we know the in & outs of the parks and tend to enjoy the films. Wall-E is MY movie, not the kids. Hell, I enjoy picking apart the "Why Disney was horrible" lists. Believe it or not, a majority of the issues can be solved by better vacation planning and knowing what you are getting yourself into. That being said......

Disneyland is a Deathtrap in a Zombie attack. This is a pure ZBA zone. Tightly packed and ridiculously slow moving - humans are turned into cattle. How many times have I gotten stuck behind a slow moving pack of tourists blocking entire pathways (meant to allow 15 to 20 people walking side by side)? I can't count that high. Thankfully the other half and I are adept and intimidating these slow mover out of the way, and finding gaps large enough to pass through.

This reminds me to bring up a warning to said slow moving shamblers - In a zombie outbreak I just have to be faster than you are. Second note. I already am faster so enjoy the horde coming behind me.

I try not to be too paranoid about Zombies, but for anyone who has waited in line for the Rodger Rabbit Ride - understand the fear that dark shadow and strange noises can bring. That is one creepy kids ride. Typically Zombies based on disease will find that Amusement parks are probably some of the greatest places to strike. While they can't make a choice to go there more than any other - the combination of limited escape paths, crowded conditions, and screams and loud noises already being common create a disaster scenario. The crowd will take time to have the warning filter through. Even longer will be the tossing away of disbelief. Most won't believe it until the zombie horde reaches them. At that point - they don't have many options for escape.

Strangely enough, Two locations appear to be safer than the others - Tom Sawyer's Island (since it is surrounded by water) and Toontown - Since it has a full separating gate. Additionally, these are two of the further points from the entrance of the park, so they will have the longest warning of any point. Of the two locations - Toontown actually could survive awhile since there are basic refreshments available. However there are dozens of back-access points for Toontown - each one is a possible breach point for the horde of now undead vacationers massing at the gates. I would rate this one as having potential - but being much riskier.

Tom Sawyers Island, surrounded by a narrow moat, has a number of spots you can hide in, and if the Zombies are unable to swim (cross your fingers) you can make quick rush's for supplies at the Hungry Bear restaurant across the water. While you will get wet on the way there - Hungry Bear's is right on the water front, and is next door to the damn Canoe rental. Coming back with supplies is MUCH easier if you have a method to transport it. Brush up on your canoe skills prior to attempting this trip. Zombies may try to attack you in the water. Just pray they cannot.

However through all of this, I try to maintain my sanity. I will survive and continue to write this. As I walk the park I may just be spending my time calculating how fast I can get to Tom Sawyers Island - at least it is near my favorite Restaurants in the French Quarter. Thank god for that....

Terminal Defense Position: Vardo

Been awhile since I covered a Terminal Defense Position, but with the absurdity of the location I found on Google Maps yesterday just calls for one. The islands of Vardoya, or the town of Vardo, Norway.

Limited Approach
I guess this location should be called - "Not much farther North is possible" given its extreme location. This is probably a location that will be reserved for Norwegian and Swedish refugees of the Zombie take over of the world. It is seriously out of consideration for 95% of the global population. This pair of islands are actually just off the East Coast of one of Norway's most northern territories. Aside from a boat in the presumably rough waters of the Artic, the only other option to reach the island is a single tunnel. As far as proximity to humanity goes - this place will probably survive with its population intact. You probably even have some allies that can help you to survive. These people are pretty much all there is for miles (or Kilometers as they would say). That, and the Gulf Current keeps this place relatively mild, considering how far north this location is. In this regard - they score an easy 10/10.

Supplies
This one is a bit tricky. Vardo is beyond the Artic Tree line so you won't be growing any trees for fuel - it also puts building supplies at a premium. A survivor here would have to be careful that they didn't abuse their limited resources. An advantage this location has, is the proximity to the Norwegian Oil and Gas fields. While that means you will want to be careful when you go out exploring - it means that you should have a large supply of fuel to use to stay warm. In addition to the oil and gas fields - this is also a major fishery. If you don't like fish, you will soon learn to appreciate it because that is about all you will have to eat if the globe is overrun by zombies. While this location has some benefits for resources for food and fuel - it is a limited location in other major areas of necessity. 6.5/10

Available Skill Sets

This is a bit more limited than other locations - since this is not a major city, nor is it relatively close to an area filled with highly skilled labor. What this place does have is survival skills, and a ridiculously stubborn toughness that should probably be incredibly helpful in a fight. For goodness sake these people live above the Artic Tree Line! A "hot" day is in the 50's (F). That being said, while your stay will not be luxurious in any sense - you will survive, and eventually prosper. Hell - they actually have fortifications on the Island which could be useful in a pinch. 7/10

Overall Scored
This location scores well on in areas that determine true survival, but it is a really distant location. While there may not be many ZBA's nearby, anyone wanting to get here to this location could be facing some pretty extensive journeys through what would become "wild" lands with some of the harshest and most beautiful terrain the world has to offer. However, it is at the exact end of a highway that flows through the entire continent of Europe which helps with navigation and travel. Resupply will eventually need to occur for lumber and other supplies, but at least you will have a safe base to retreat to. This location gets a 30/40.

Last Night Was Hell

I don't know how the rest of you spent your night, but mine was spent in utter hell. Pure, unfettered, putrid, horrifying hell.

No, I did spend my night stuck watching Star Trek V or videos of Jar-Jar Binks. I had a night of one long

continuing nightmare about zombies. Hour after painful hour, of undead mayhem.

When these nights occur - which are thankfully few and far between, my mind gets stuck in a groove. I will enter a dream sequence that I know is a dream - but I am so afraid of zombies it overpowers my ability to Lucid dream. What I can do, is wake myself up. So my night is spent in the dream world running in terror, sometimes dying, mostly waiting with apprehension and discomfort wondering why this dream won't stop.

How often do we have dreams we want to continue that just won't? No one can say they have not woken up and yearned to go back and finish what their dream had going on for them. Does it work? Hardly ever! Your mind is a jerk who snatches away that joyous endeavor like a bully steals your lunch money.

On an aside - having grown up poor and generally getting free lunch - I have no idea what it is like to have my lunch money stolen. Poverty for the win! ....Shit...

Getting back to my main topic here - my mental torture. So I spend these nights balancing between two bad situations. If I stay away I will be even more exhausted the next day. I risk having a migraine all day, being unable to drive safely, or not being able to enjoy my day because I am spending it rubbing my eyes and trying not to cry at the knots in my back. If I go back to sleep unknown horrors await me. I have been eaten,  chased and trapped with the grim horde battering their way in. I have witnessed thousands attacked and turned by the undead. No seriously - thousands of people. Many times they are people I care about - or their arch-type.

The struggle goes on and on. Fall asleep - maybe it will be different. Wake up because it was no different. Feel so very tired. Let myself close my eyes - yup - more undead there. Open my eyes... You get the idea. It is like being bombarded with your greatest fear both awake and asleep.

That is what is even more horrible about it. Because I get so tired after a night of this - my brain finds it harder and harder to separate the reality from the dream. Even more so when the dream world uses real world places I know to torture me. I wake up and I begin to fear going back to sleep. Every little noise is a zombie sneaking towards trying to eat me or my family. You know how much I freak out knowing my daughter would have to face that? It makes me want to install those awesome steel window covers from "I am Legend". Not sure how one we even get those - it must be a custom iron working job.

So yes, today I am tired, I am exhausted, and I am left with another night of tortured dreams filled with undead attacks. I can only hope that the paranoia that is left behind is not too debilitating today and I can not freak out at every sound that happens to occur near me.

Hmmmmm

It is this sort of literature that prepares people for the zombie apocalypse.

Hyperactive Agency Detection

I know, another wonderful entry that revolves around, dare I say it, science explaining fear. specifically in my case, a fear of Zombies. I was inspired earlier today by web comic artist Maki Naro of Sci-ence.org. Specifically his comic on "Things that go Bump in the Night". Yes Maki, I plugged you. Deal with it.

What is the Hyperactive Agency Detection? (also known as HADD in some circles) According to wikipedia and a short google search into it - it is a part of the brain that give humans the capacity (and propensity) to assume that some unknown noise or movement is a specific acting agent. Example - you see a shadow and think someone is after you. Believe it or not - it can be mathematically shown to be more valuable for our brains to keep this biological instinct than to let it go away. Case in point: ancient man assuming a Sabertooth is behind a bush and being wrong is a lot safer than not assuming a dangerous animal is there and being eaten. The guy/gal that was paranoid lives while the hopelessly-safe-feeling idiot is lunch.

Why should I include this in a blog about zombies? For this part of the brain to actually affect human behavior, it has to activate a fear inside the mind. One that will shock and terrify and really grab the attention of the poor soul having the reaction. I make it no secret to those who know me that I have very few fears - I am concerned about certain things, but real active fears are very small for me. I have been through a lot of hells - physically, emotionally - all of it. I have looked on the face of evil and have been tempered by it in some ways.

More simply put - my mind has to seek out the best way of scaring me to react and zombies happen to be it. They are a fear that circumvents all of my knowledge, personal strength, and capacity to rely on others in any form - they call into question my capacity to survive unlike anything else out there. Demons? Dragons? Robbers? Some super-villain?  I am not that concerned - I create this stuff for fun inside my mind. Sadly, my brain has created my zombie fear in order to maintain the ability to spook me into acting safer. Of course it sucks that when I am out at night I am watching for the start of the zombie horde, any staggering individual is gauged for optimum response while avoiding being scratched or bitten or breathed on. This is the price I pay, in some ways, to stay sane.

And that - is just a fascinatingly crazy fact about the human mind. Sometimes crazy helps it maintain a grip on reality.

Science of Zombies

Son of a B-. No, I won't swear at that level in the blog, but I sure as hell did say it out loud when I read and watched the video about the science that could create an actual zombie-like event. Located on Mashable, this article discusses the ability of a virus to meet the qualifications necessary to create a zombie horde.

You see, nature is a mean spirited destroyer of all things - just as much as she can create some amazing wonders. No one should ever forget that that same person who creates the awesome beauty of things like this image at right:








Also create terrible things like this:

That is an image of Hurricane Sandy from space as it envelopes a majority of the Eastern Seaboard. Like I said - Mother Nature is not all sunshine and honeybees. 

Imagine my displeasure to hear that she allows for viruses to take over human brain function. I don't think anyone can ignore the fact that Rabies is a disease that acts like this. It is a mean spirited bug intent on death and to spread itself to new victims. Why do you think Rabies causes aggressive behavior and salivation in animals? Aggression makes the animal use its main weapon - biting, and salivation is a method to spread itself - since Rabies is passed through fluids. 

It doesn't take much of a stretch to get to unending hunger and other loss of mental control. The video explains that all it takes is a virus specifically targeting those parts of the brain. The terrible part of it as well - is that the virus could easily enter via a sense of smell. The damn olfactory nerves lead directly to the part of the brain that handles these sorts of things. 

Damn Nature. Now I have to worry about things I may smell. This planet is flipping crazy!

Terminal Defense Position: The Channel Islands

Since my last entry discussed some of the concerns a Zombie-apocalypse survivor needs to keep in mind when selecting a location, I decide I should start picking some out that I think would make for interesting analyses. Lets face it, after playing a few rounds with the game "Plague Inc." almost anyone would want to find a nice secluded spot to live when the Zombies come. Or in this case - the vastly over-powered mutating sentient disease intent on wiping out humanity.

One can only hope that Plague Inc. gives me a free copy of the app for plugging them here (please? I need to scare myself more often?)

Anyways, my location for today's analysis is going to be the Channel Island off the California coast. Here is a map in case you are unsure where they are. that city in the top right corner of the Map is the Ventura/Oxnard region just outside of Los Angeles. This location will include the caveat that I have not spent any time on the islands - I have only looked longingly at them from the coast when I spend time in Ventura. This location speaks to me on a number of different wavelengths, so lets look at each of the areas of concern and how this location stacks up.

Limited Approach
These islands are nice in that they are close to shore, but out of range of most swimmers. The first small island is almost 20 miles off shore - I know I can't swim that far as of today. (Note to self, begin swimming training for endurance) The island each have few locations that you can just get onto the island - their coasts are rocky - this will help provide less area to patrol and keep possibly infected people off-shore under quarantine. Can't beat that. However - this place is within an hour travel of the metropolitan area of Los Angeles. The city proper has almost 3.9 million residents, and the Metro area is closing in on 20 million inhabitants making it one of the largest city centers on the planet. Score: 8/10

Length of Stay before Re-Supply
This one is tricky. If you have time to prep the location - which you cannot in this case because I guess people get angry if you modify a national park- these locations can be very long-term inhabitable. Fishing is ample around the islands, and there seems to be enough rain to keep the place green most of the year, however this island is along the dividing line of the California heat and the more common cooler rainier climate of the northern half of the state. With the right seed crops in addition to local wildlife, and a way to store large amounts of water, this island could be a great place to spend your time. Also, though you can't see it on the smaller map above - directly north of the eastern peninsula of the island are active oil derricks. That's right - you have a pre-tapped supply of oil - if you know how to not blow yourself up operating an oil derrick. Score: 10/10

Supplies
This location could be self-sustaining if properly managed - however a fair amount of technical expertise is needed. Who here can farm? How much needs to be planted to feed a single/multiple persons? Who can operate an oil derrick? Can you fish without a fancy pole or net? Also, the previous blog entry mentioned that whole "Tons and tons of explosives" that would be dropped to stop the advance of the Zombie horde. Does anyone reading this that the military would think twice about nuking an LA with Zombie Justin Beiber eating his fans? Hell. No. (a Google image search was too revolting to include here.) I wouldn't stop myself. So this location could be partly irradiated, and any supplied you would have tried scavenging while fighting off the millions of undead in LA will be a melted pile of slag. Your only hope is that the mountains shielded Ventura and Oxnard - lots of hippies with Solar panels, and marina's with nice boats. Score: 6/10

Available Skill Sets
This one will take some planning. Good news is that California has Rocket scientists - so no shortage of mad-scientist types can be found near the Channel Islands - they do Rocket testing there. Additionally, the Naval Engineers (Sea Bees) are located at the naval base at Point Mugu - on the south side of Oxnard. Make that another notch for very well armed construction and trade skills. In fact - if you can't make a pretty hospitable location work when you have both rockets scientists and a full armed construction force you are really going to have to reconsider your plan of action for the apocalypse.  Score: 11/10

Final Score
Because of the relative ease of sustaining this area, and the availability of both farm and technical skill sets, but its proximity to a major ZBA - I would give the Channel Islands a total score of 35/40. This location could sustain a group of people for an extended period of time, in relative ease with its moderate climate conditions, proximity to technical and physical resources and a more secure location than most people can find on land. Well done California, well done.

Terminal Defensive Positions

I am pretty sure my family has been involved, in some form or another, in most every major conflict in the last 1000 years of Western European history. No - I can't confirm all of that - that is the beauty of "anecdotal" history. Needless to say though, of all the generations currently alive - all of them have served in the military. At least one member of the family has found their way into the defense of the country we call home. Part of the reason this matters to me - is because all of us are obsessed with tactics and strategy. My love of strategy also bleeds over into my fear of the undead.

In the past I have written about my need to know the escape routes of places I am at, or think of how I can turn said locations into an easily defensible position. This is important to me - in some part of my mind I need to know what sort of defensive strategy I should have in place for where I am at a given moment. Handy? not most of the time, but it is in that one in a million time when that sort of information needs to be understood. 

This entry will discuss the importance of Terminal Defense Positions. These are locations that have a few required ratings that a person should take into consideration, to determine how long you should stay there, and what sort of places really are the best places to escape to in case of zombie outbreak.

1. Limited Approach. How limited are the access points for the undead to reach you. Are you trying to hide in a green house? (That is an Epic Fail by the way) Are you just hanging out in your basement/attic? (Another possible group of FAIL) Are you using one of these?

Yes, that is one freaking epic-ally hard to approach fortress (Built in Yemen according to the Google Image search that found it). While this limited approach appears, well, pretty awesome, it does suggest utter failure in the next category.

2. Length of Stay before Re-Supply. While that Yemeni fortress above is a great place to draw a proverbial "line in the sand", it probably doesn't have a natural spring of fresh water inside of it. That rock looks pretty dry. Probably doesn't have access to fuel - either wood, oil, gas, or anything else. While it would be perfect for a solar installation (power for the place and shade for you is a good idea) lugging solar panels around in the apocalypse is not going to be an option here.

3. Supplies. How difficult is it to manage long-term in that location. Can you supply yourself food, fresh water, and fuel supplies? Materials to rebuild equipment that breaks? I do not consider non-replenishing scavenging here. The idea that you can "scavenge forever" is faulty - and fails to take in the assumption that there are million of tons of high-grade explosives and nuclear weapons that will be used in a Zombie Apocalypse. 

That whole "you need two keys and some magic codes from that briefcase by the president..." goes out the window really fast when a rural base commander see a nearby town overrun with undead coming at his soldiers, and he gets a technician to jury rig an override to that fancy trigger gizmo inside of it. Nuclear weapons need two things - fissionable materials and a really big *bang* surrounding it to get it to become unstable. every other part is just to help or control the reaction when it prepares to go off. Urban centers will be ravaged by fires, nuclear and traditional explosions and the thousands of people living in that town that panic and strip the place bare before you get to it. Scavenging will not be a good fall back plan. 

4. Available Skill Set. Some people are more valuable than others to save - sorry Geek Squad. Unless you can toss together a Tesla Coil or any other technical feasible device other than an Ipod we don't need you. I will not have to worry about my IP Address in the Apocalypse. Civil engineers, Contractors, Electricians, Pipe Fitters, Masons... Hell with it - just find every tradesmen you can tie up and toss in whatever vehicle you have around. Ignore doctors, get the Nurse Practitioners first - they do a lot of the real work anyways. 

This is a perfect time to be friends with a Union Representative because chances are he knows some of the best in these trades. Please don't discuss Union vs. non-Union here - Unions are more connected typically than non union and we need that knowledge fast. You don't have time to take applications and do background checks.

Additionally, it is handy to know that crazy, food hoarding gun enthusiast down the street - that I assume you made sure to invite to every fun event at your home you could get away with over the past few years. If he is hoarding Twinkies you don't have to be his friend - we want the people that are hoarding raw grains and salts for curing the meat they hunt or fish themselves. That family - strange as you may think they are, will have what you need. You better have been helping them out otherwise they might just shoot you on sight.

These four values should be used to evaluate any location that you want to sit down in and ride out the hoard of undead wiping out all those people you didn't really like anyways. Next week - we will begin going over locations that are best suited for a long term survival of you and your family (or people you saved instead of your horrible, horrible, insane family that were the first to be turned).  

Bad news - California is actually, AGAIN, one of the best places to be for this sort of event - if you can avoid the initial problem of that state having more undead than any other on the continent. Goddamn hippies did that on purpose didn't they?

Zombies Details

One of the most fascinating aspects of my personal fear, are the minor details that can determine whether or not I freak out. Instead of being a broad brush, like a general fear of guns - and it won't matter what type of gun, my fear is much more finicky. While I do know a large amount of Psychological theory as it pertains to personality - I know strikingly little about the dynamics of how fears develop and mature in ones psyche.

I know it sounds strange, but my fear is only triggered by a few specific sets of characteristics that if they are not in the correct alignment I am not as afraid. You see my fiance pointed this out to me just a few weeks ago, I am not afraid of the rabid humans from "I am Legend", when by all obvious accounts I should be. In fact, the level of virulence is so very high in that film that it is almost unbelievable. The people mutated by the virus still ate everyone else, they still destroyed humanity in almost it's entirety. I am not sure what it is about this that helps me to watch the film - though I admit I am still nervous about the virulence of the disease. In fact, I am more worried about the virus than I am the rage-filled mutants eating and killing everyone.

Let's take another example - Skeletons. by all accounts, if my fear of the undead was a blanket "they should be dead but are not" than my fear should also cover skeletons. However this is not the case, I am actually quite fine with them running around as an army bent on terrorizing the local village. Hell, I even have my best friend from high school to credit with an incredibly useful trap for aquatically inclined heroes in D&D and other role playing games.

No, my fear really is about a very specific set of things that must be in place for zombies to terrorize me. Virus - yes. Eating people - yes. Stumbling rotting flesh bent on mindless consumption that is society - yes.

I am not sure I will ever figure out what specifically qualifies a specific thing to become terrifying, but I am sure it is in there somewhere. I guess as the saying goes - the devil is in the details. 

What Am I Thinking?

Good evening. Good Day, good..... well, whatever the hell you have going on and when you read this. Honestly I jumped in here because my other half commented that some of her friends were upset I had not blogged in a while, and she was having issues setting her Blogger account up. While I am here I figured I would share the insanity that has been my life away from this blog.

First of all, what in the Great Gonzo is up with Sesame Street in the search standings? My blog has a fair number of page-views, especially since I have not written in months, but a LARGE portion, almost half of my total views, is a single blog devoted to the combat prowess of Bert and Ernie. Look at the image to the right - almost a thousand views, in a blog without an update in months? There are some sick people out there - or wait, maybe they are paranoid as well! Finally, some company! Of course we may need to discuss their choice of defensible locations - anyone who believes Sesame Street is really the place to be in a zombie apocalypse needs to be voted off the island before they eat the berries.

Secondly, I am running for a political office. Yes, my name will be on a ballot, and people will hopefully choose me over an opponent that I can honestly say is nothing less than crazy. Chances are I will lose, given how "red" my home state is, but I intend to give one hell of a fight to my opponents. That in itself may be enough to put everyone else on the defensive - the finally will have to face an opponent who will stand up to them.

Lastly, I need to speak about an event I going to at the end of the month. I am going to my first "Con". No, I will not have a table for my book, "Empires Awakening" but maybe one day. I am just going as an average person trying to enjoy myself while thousands of virgins - I mean nerds, sorry - mingle about with people and ogle girls paid just above minimum wage to wear almost nothing so said virg-*cough* nerds buy comics. The "What am I thinking?" comes into play when I think about the zombie walk and dress up contest that is supposed to occur during this convention. It is very possible that there may be some accidents if an unnamed person, with a well known incredible fear of the undead finds himself in a troubling situation.

That being said, I am tagging this post as I did the Sesame street one - I can't turn down a rival post to help get some more views on this blog. Maybe I will even update this more. Who knows?

Zombies of the New Year

One the thing I think about when I am out in the world – especially in crowds, is how easily the location turns into a ZBA (Zombie Buffet Area for those of you who are newer readers). These zones are veritable deathtraps for the living. It is already dangerous if there is a crowd – but you know I am digressing so let’s create some context.

 

Put in your mind, an image of Times Square – you know where that big party is held for a crystal ball to fall is located signifying the end of the year and the start of the next one. I have grown less excited for New Years as I have gotten older. I can’t even recall if I stayed up until midnight last year. Maybe it is my concern that being at an event, like the Times Square New Year’s party, is a very uncomfortable situation. How could you even tell a Zombie was coming until it was right on top of you? You wouldn’t hear the shuffling steps, the scraping of old shoes or bone on pavement. You would be happily bounding around watching the lights and confetti and listening to music until the very moment you were pounced on.

 

Now with that lovely image in your mind – you can imagine that would be only for people on the outskirts of the crowd. People on the inside would only get to experience the joy of being trampled as they began to run in a panic. Chances are they would not even know they were running as a simple basic animal programming code would kick in in the brain. (This is why herds of animals and schools of fish move as a group – If you friends are scared and running away chances are you should as well). It saves processing time in the mind to just go with the running crowd. Of course once you start running you may wonder why.

 

Once everyone realizes something is up – and it involves flesh eating SOB’s with hygiene issues – everyone immediately runs to their loved ones – including the punks who got infected somehow. Now I love my family – but in ANY situation involving a highly contagious biological agent they are well aware I am putting quarantine protocols in place. Be it mega-flu, zombie-ism or anything else, there will be no running into open arms. This does not mean I love my family any less – it just means I want as many of us to survive as possible.

 

So yes – New Year’s not so exciting for me, it just leads to some ever more exciting fear incidents.

Hospitals in the Apocalypse

I had a family emergency yesterday and spent some time in the emergency room. Once the emergency was settled and everyone was waiting to be released, I was left with the zombie thoughts that invade my mind once I calm down. This thought process lead me to think of how I could defend a hospital from a zombie attack.

Quite frankly - a hospital is a flipping crap-shoot when it comes time for an apocalypse (yes my actual thoughts on this are even more expletive filled). Part of my inspiration comes from theoatmeal.com and its detailed documentary on the dangers (and stupidity) of a zombie apocalypse. Hospitals really have no reason to be considered a safe haven - especially once a bunch of flesh eating bastards are on the loose. Even worse if they start in the building. There are literally five different ways to access every section of the hospital, and the place is a maze. The damn labyrinth of Greek myth is easier to navigate than a hospital.

That is not even getting into the idea of barricading the main doors - that just wont be a viable option given the number of doors and walkways you are dealing with. It is little wonder that a single infected doofus can infect hundreds that then go out and infect the world - and you know the rest of the story.

Maybe that is why sesame street doesn't have a hospital - and I don't recall there being any strange winding hallways that lead back onto themselves. In fact sesame street can be secured with few barricades at all - if you take the maps located here. This only reinforces the idea that Sesame Street is a safe place to be in a zombie apocalypse. 

Why is taking the Garbage out that Stressful?

I hate taking the gabage out at night. There is nothing I despise more. Why you may ask? It is the lighting. Our home is set up so the back and front light leave a strip of horrible darkness for the entire length of the house, the same length you must walk through to get to the trash cans. So what could possibly go through my mind when I approach this darkness that my eyes cannot pierce?

There must be zombies in there. Why? Not a clue. my eyesight is very sharp at night, but is easily thrown off by any light sources nearby. The back light just happens to be one such light because of how it is placed. It creates a wall of blindness to a no-mans land hiding countless undead in the tangle of plants in the yard.

I hate taking the trash out at night, and should just avoid it - but not taking the trash out as needed puts me in harms way of another sort. The type that involves the wife looking at me with "that" look.

I think I will learn to take the trash out earlier.

Nikola Tesla and Zombies

I think that Nikola Tesla was a genius. A completely and totally insane genius, but one none-the-less. I am willing to admit that I do not care for Thomas Edison, since I have heard multiple stories of his activities that make him a spoiled brat.

However, Nikola Tesla would be my choice as my mad-scientist partner in the event of a Zombie Apocalypse. Just imagine what he could accomplish in the modern era of electricity and science! I can just see it now, a ray gun that would not have to recharge, bolts of lightning that could arc from fingertip implants powered by the magnetic field of the Earth itself.

Tesla, was hardcore. He could probably even break that pesky light-speed barrier - just for fun. Or actually make his earthquake device work this time.

The reason I am bringing this up, is because the wife and I have decided to read two books together (Not counting the Tiger-mom parenting book). We are going to both read a book on Edison, and a book on Tesla - but the need to both match. I want to read two neutral books, or one skewed for each so I know the truth is somewhere in the middle.

Besides, how often does a beautiful woman ask you to read up on Nikola Tesla? That's right - my wife is awesome.

The Terror of Disney Attractions

What is with Disneyland building dark corridors of doom into every attraction they can? I think it may be remnants of the pre-building code era but a lot of the attractions have some pretty tricky dark corridors in them. Cinderella's Castle - darkness abounds! Toon town - seems like every building there is designed for cave dwellers.

With my zombie fear running rampant because I could not figure out how to adequately blockade any specific point for a defensive position, I had to resort to trying to figure out why Disney has such dark passages.

Perhaps they really do have an army of dwarves and they are responsible for the construction. The steps are never all that big, and how many times did you hear the 7 Dwarves talk about keeping their caves up to code? There are dozens of infractions the moment you see them hard at work. One must wonder if they even own the land they are mining or if they have a permit for the work in the caves.

In either case, very few places in Disney are good defensive positions. I think the Worlds Fair pavilion might be a good one, but that is only because you can set the thing to turn, up the acceleration on it and turn the outer wall into a spinning wall of death.

That is a great idea! Use the rotating Pavilion as your secured location. I wonder how well it would hold up over time. Hmm.

Family

Zombies love family - that is they like to exploit our love of close family in order to eat or infect us. It is a simple truth of zombie existence - not that it is their intent of course. Zombies do not have any intent other than consumption of their human neighbors.

Zombies make terrible neighbors. They are up at all hours, growling, gurgling - and the screams of the passers-by they attack just makes it hard to sleep through the night. I don't know about you, but I would prefer to not have them within a 12,757 kilometer sphere of me. Which if anyone realized - that would be the diameter of the Earth.

In earlier posts I had pictures of the home I would want to have in the event of a zombie apacolypse - what amounted to a square box of cement and steel. Toss a few tesla coils on the top of the thing and I think it would be a great hide-away. except of course the light show when zombies came to visit. Burning bodies do not raise property value.

Through all of this - family has a comforting element to it for all of us. Our family help us create a home, in effect they become where "home" is. This sudden loss that we see our counter parts in zombie films try to protect is understandable - but still stupid. So best bet? Keep your family close by and protected. They are where you need to be.

Gandalf and Zombies?

The blog over at Tor.com reported to me this fine morning, that Gandalf (aka Sir Ian McKellen) are on board to be part of a victorian era zombie flick. The good news: Can you imagine Gandalf taking down a horde of undead? That would be pretty awesome to watch, but I doubt I would be able to bring myself to watch it. Gandalf or not, zombies still scare the bejsus out of me.

And making it set in victorian era england just makes it that much creepier. Given tales like Sherlock Holmes, Bra Stoker's Dracula, Frankenstein - there is no way to tell if these zombies will be magically brought to life or some mad scientist virus that is released in the age of steam. I can only imagine what will happen, but I won't be there for it.

All I can ask is that other lover of Gandalf cheer him on his he takes down the nasty beasts.

Sooo.....

.....The world didn't end. I haven't taken the time to look up which of the typical excuses will have been used, but I am sure it may have something to do with the calculations being wrong, or the prayers of the faithful saving all of us from damnation. Nothing makes cult followers feel better than being rewarded for their faith.

In other news, it is another creepy morning fog day. Silence in the apartment complex broken only by my keyboard, the mountain view blocked by low level clouds. I always have panic attacks on these days when I am alone. For some reason I feel better with my family tucked away in the next room - perhaps because then I know I won't have to immediately go out and save them from the rambling horde of undead.

Damn, I need a shotgun.