Zombies Details

One of the most fascinating aspects of my personal fear, are the minor details that can determine whether or not I freak out. Instead of being a broad brush, like a general fear of guns - and it won't matter what type of gun, my fear is much more finicky. While I do know a large amount of Psychological theory as it pertains to personality - I know strikingly little about the dynamics of how fears develop and mature in ones psyche.

I know it sounds strange, but my fear is only triggered by a few specific sets of characteristics that if they are not in the correct alignment I am not as afraid. You see my fiance pointed this out to me just a few weeks ago, I am not afraid of the rabid humans from "I am Legend", when by all obvious accounts I should be. In fact, the level of virulence is so very high in that film that it is almost unbelievable. The people mutated by the virus still ate everyone else, they still destroyed humanity in almost it's entirety. I am not sure what it is about this that helps me to watch the film - though I admit I am still nervous about the virulence of the disease. In fact, I am more worried about the virus than I am the rage-filled mutants eating and killing everyone.

Let's take another example - Skeletons. by all accounts, if my fear of the undead was a blanket "they should be dead but are not" than my fear should also cover skeletons. However this is not the case, I am actually quite fine with them running around as an army bent on terrorizing the local village. Hell, I even have my best friend from high school to credit with an incredibly useful trap for aquatically inclined heroes in D&D and other role playing games.

No, my fear really is about a very specific set of things that must be in place for zombies to terrorize me. Virus - yes. Eating people - yes. Stumbling rotting flesh bent on mindless consumption that is society - yes.

I am not sure I will ever figure out what specifically qualifies a specific thing to become terrifying, but I am sure it is in there somewhere. I guess as the saying goes - the devil is in the details. 

Survival Ratings

Survivability is key for any individual who finds themselves in the midst of a zombie Apocalypse. Perhaps it is time to develop a sliding-dependency scale to determine the survivability of people in such an event. There would be a number of factors one would have to look at to insure everything was adequately examined.

First, you would have to score them on a single-survivor basis. How well can this person survive on their own - what are their chances to NOT become lunch.

Second, scoring them on a pairing or group survivability basis. Some skills work better when used in conjunction with other skills, so in essence their abilities work better with people around.

Thirdly, the mental stability needs to be examined. Last thing you want is someone who loses their mind just when you need it most. Some minds just do not handle the idea of the Apocalypse well.

So, we can call this the I-G-S-S score. Individual, Group Survivability and Stability score. IGSS, almost sounds cute. Perhaps the next few days I can develop a scoring process for each of the IGSS values. Anyone want to be a test subject?

Dear Home Owner on the Hill

Dear Home owner on the hill,

I like your hours and its extremely defensible location, easy access to fields for growing food, and the ability to be reached in relatively little time in the event of a zombie apocalypse. Please understand I will only show up if the zombies are coming, no sooner. Just please be aware of the following concerns to save us both time and trouble.

1. I will keep you alive, and your family alive, until you are infected. If this happens I am "evicting" you, not the other way around.
2. Please keep a backhoe and pile driver parked behind your home. This, coupled with steel pylons, steel sheets and cement and mortar works will be part of my defensive position plans. I know you can pay for them so please do.
3. Email me where your water supply is, so I can secure it. I don't want to fight the undead for a drink.
4. There is no fourth request.
5. Please start your marksmanship practice now, I don't want to waste ammo training you after the fact.

Thank you for these considerations, I look forward to never having to meet you or and build a barricade around your home.

Signed Most Honorably,
Me.


I was hiking today and found one of the most perfect retreat positions in the event of a zombie apocalypse. Its on the high ground in the mountains north of Santa Barbara, and I wish I knew who lived there (or how long their driveway is because it is SERIOUSLY up there).

This house is so absurdly placed that I fell in love with it almost immediately. That, and on top of the damn house (though the picture doesn't quite show it) is a 360 degree observation floor. Windows facing outward from every face WELL ABOVE THE HOUSE! It is like they knew it themselves that they needed a snipers nest for taking out zombies before they got close. Also, in the event of a massive earthquake, it is not near an edge so landslides are unlikely, and may I say in the image below - Tsunami who?

For flipping Jehovah's sake - what else could I ask for? Well I could ask for the channel island preserve (yes I do consider it an option for my safe haven) given its close proximity to food sources, distance to shore, and its easy access to active oil wells. My only concern is getting trapped on the very island I am trying to secure for myself. In either case, I have another spot I can put on my list.

The Great State of Washington: Defensible Locations

Ah yes, defensible locations. One of my favorite subjects, and quite frankly one of the most important subjects people should ever have on their mind. Is this place defensible? Can I survive here? Will Michael Jackson's Thriller really make the dead dance in perfect rhythm? Thankfully I can answer all of these questions pretty regularly.

The reason why Washington is on my list tonight is due to a very strange, but thankful, quirk in the whole Zombie mythos - zombies can't swim. I am greatly thankful for this (and I am sure somewhere a Sci-Fi staff writer is making a case for "Water Zombies" for their next bad movie) as it makes more locations defensible than others. With other fantasy creatures you have more logistic concerns. Skeletons being some of the worst undead to deal with since they can do pretty much everything they want (except blink and tan I guess). A ship full of skeletons? A VERY dangerous thing that. A ship full of zombies? Only dangerous if you are stupid enough to get on board with them.

Anyways, Washington. The northwest portion of the state, as I found through my google map wanderings, is a veritable treasure trove of mild-climate islands and peninsula. Granted, I mean mild climate not because it isn't cold, but because you are not completely snowed in. That and I am sure that bears can make short work of pesky Zombies wandering in the woods. But having a few hundred acres of livable land and access to fresh water directly from the sky a majority of the year is a pretty sweet deal. All you have to do is hold a line that could be as little as a mile wide and you have a perfect bottle neck to defend from.

Also, would be champions of undead-killing, remember to make sure you are on the correct side of the bottle-neck. nothing I hate worse than someone setting up perimeter at  the bottle neck. Before any of your stupid friends start digging their trenches (or building barricades which is smarter with an enemy intent on eating you) make sure they understand that they want their opponent to come through the bottle-neck, not sit in front of it.

In either case, Washington earns today's award for defensibility. Anyone have any other suggestions I should evaluate?

Zombie Children

Nothing pisses me off more than the idea of Zombie Children. I mean seriously, children? Like people don't already have a hard time surviving the playground, now they have to go start eating people to top it off? I hated recess before Zombies. After - just makes it a living hell that was upgraded with more hell.

First, let us ignore the disturbing fact that children would have to get infected somehow. If you are an adult on a playground you already have a sign on you that says "attack me". Anyone who has worked with children know how this works. Within moments of stepping into their domain they are sent into a frenzy the likes of which is not rivalled by anywhere else in nature. It is like a collective, mad consciousness is ruling them from the moment they reach the slide. For some reason playground equipment brings out the primal energy of children. Turning them into fast moving torpedo's for attacking, tackling, climbing, swinging tunnelling and digging - it is a sight to behold.

Now make the mistake of letting them get infected. Children have the cleanliness facter of earthworms. Once it is in the ground they all share everything. Once a child has something, they all end up with it. They have a natural tendency to share every single contaminated item that comes into their possession. Everyone knows how quickly lice spreads? Colds? Flus? Now take all that primal energy and make it hungry. So now adults change from jungle gyms into buffets.

Let us not forget the cuteness factor. What group of national guard soldiers coming upon a playground full of children will shoot first and ask questions later? None. I can see it now:

"Oh these children are so cute, they are running to greet us!"

"Rawr!"

"My god the cute children are now trying to bite my ankles. Now they are climbing up on me, ow! he bit my neck!"

"Rawr!"

"Rawr!"

National Guard 0, zombie children plus a million. The most terrifying part of this is the fact that the chances for human survival are pretty darn slim with a child zombie army roving about. They would be like locusts eating crops. Quick moving packets of cuteness laced with death (and undeadness), scouring the countryside for the next group of stupid people who think it is cute when a wave of children come running at them. Think ahead and plan people. Go experience your son or daughter's playground. Once you see the terror they can wrought without  deadliness you will start to think about how to defend yourself.

Here is a hint: Children like to climb and wiggle through very small holes we otherwise don't think they can get through. Start preparing.

My Response to Zombie Movies

I do not care to watch Zombie films. At one point I was able to do so, but in the past few years that capacity has been lost to me.The tension and the fear are too much for me. That, and every zombie movie involves things jumping out at you suddenly and usually involve fair amounts of gore. My two least favorite cinematic techniques.

I am reminded of a night years ago when I was watching the first two resident Evil films in a row. One night of "lets get this over with" zombie action. I finished both films - I was a trooper. However I spent that night barricaded in my bedroom. I even had a crutch being used as a door jam against the door frame and the wall - to give me a few more moments to escape if the filthy beasts came and attacked. I even slept with my katana and waki-sashi on the floor next to the bed - just in case.

The few times I have tried watching these films with significant others - I always end up not wanting to cuddle. Because of course someone infected would want to cuddle and get near my neck. Look, EVERYONE, if I am having a paranoid day about zombies, leave my flipping neck alone. It is the one place that I do not want you near. I don't even want to touch anywhere else, but for the semblance of sanity I must. Also on a side note - thank you for those who have been sensitive about this.

Do I want to watch zombies in any form? Not particularly. I mean, it is not like my undead list precludes undead as a rule. Oh no. Vampires are ok. Mummies are fine. Skeletons do not frighten me. Ghosts are not an issue. Liches - well, depending on the type I will ave my concerns. It is just those damnable zombies that need to be erased.