The Crisis of Creativity

I will one day be in a crisis of my own creativity. First I am pretty sure you are all wondering what the hell that means, and second you are probably wondering what that looks like. Well, hopefully I can answer both questions for you dear readers.

My better half, in her wisdom, has decided that one day I will write a zombie horror story. Knowing my infinite luck in this arena, I probably will break down and right that very story. In fact I have one that terrifies me that I intend to put on the page. It includes every disturbing thought that comes into my mind when it comes to Zombie-ism, and the ending is something that creeps me out. So, story being done - I just haven't written it.

My greater fear is what happens if it is made into a film - I would be required to go. I would have to be on set, I would have to promote the very things I want nothing to do with. My not wanting to go and being honest runs the risk of appearing to be giving the movie easy viral advertising. Which, if the movie terrifies and disturbs people like it does me - would be perfectly fine. However if people think the movie sucked - than well I look like a doofus.

Thankfully my risk of doofus-dom is pretty low - and at least I can't look as bad as John Kyl the unapologetic bastard that he is.I think I would have to stoop pretty low to be poorly viewed in the communities of the world that value things like honesty and a sense of morality. Goodness, what could I do to be that bad off?

Another blog for another day.

Strange Moments of Vulnerability

There are certain times and places that my fear of Zombie attacks spike. There are just common situation or every day occurences that leave a person open to be attacked by the undead, something we should all take note of.

1. Getting a massage. You are relaxing, trying to stay calm and something jumps on your back knawing on you. I was seriously thinking this saturday morning while getting a massage - least relaxing massage day ever.

2. Bathroom breaks. Nothing leave you more open for attack. Diapers people, Diapers.

3. Exiting your home/apartment. Blind corners, doorways, and pretty much every time you turn a corner too sharp you are just asking for trouble.

4. Late night jogs. Who goes running late at night? People who live in Arizona who want to live through the summer.

5. Sleeping. Most horrifying time ever, because you just don't stay awake while you sleep. If I could be awake while I got my 5 hours of sleep - I would be much happier.

Dear Home Owner on the Hill

Dear Home owner on the hill,

I like your hours and its extremely defensible location, easy access to fields for growing food, and the ability to be reached in relatively little time in the event of a zombie apocalypse. Please understand I will only show up if the zombies are coming, no sooner. Just please be aware of the following concerns to save us both time and trouble.

1. I will keep you alive, and your family alive, until you are infected. If this happens I am "evicting" you, not the other way around.
2. Please keep a backhoe and pile driver parked behind your home. This, coupled with steel pylons, steel sheets and cement and mortar works will be part of my defensive position plans. I know you can pay for them so please do.
3. Email me where your water supply is, so I can secure it. I don't want to fight the undead for a drink.
4. There is no fourth request.
5. Please start your marksmanship practice now, I don't want to waste ammo training you after the fact.

Thank you for these considerations, I look forward to never having to meet you or and build a barricade around your home.

Signed Most Honorably,
Me.


I was hiking today and found one of the most perfect retreat positions in the event of a zombie apocalypse. Its on the high ground in the mountains north of Santa Barbara, and I wish I knew who lived there (or how long their driveway is because it is SERIOUSLY up there).

This house is so absurdly placed that I fell in love with it almost immediately. That, and on top of the damn house (though the picture doesn't quite show it) is a 360 degree observation floor. Windows facing outward from every face WELL ABOVE THE HOUSE! It is like they knew it themselves that they needed a snipers nest for taking out zombies before they got close. Also, in the event of a massive earthquake, it is not near an edge so landslides are unlikely, and may I say in the image below - Tsunami who?

For flipping Jehovah's sake - what else could I ask for? Well I could ask for the channel island preserve (yes I do consider it an option for my safe haven) given its close proximity to food sources, distance to shore, and its easy access to active oil wells. My only concern is getting trapped on the very island I am trying to secure for myself. In either case, I have another spot I can put on my list.

A few things NOT to do, When the Zombies come

1. Not prepare, and "hope for the best". - Completely and utterly stupid. If you idea is "I will lock my door and take a nap on the couch until Suzie comes home" You are just preparing yourself to be lunch.

2. Sleep in General - Guess what - sleeping just means you can't see them trying to get to you. I suggest you start practicing staying up for a week straight. First rule - ignore the voice in your head that says "we should get comfortable!", that little shit screws you every time.

3. Head to Costco first. Non-zombie Apocalypse this is fine, its a good idea. In a Zombie Apocalypse - WORST IDEA EVER to go anywhere lots of people would go. This includes church. Unless your church is the militant arm of some religious whack-job group that happens to be heavily armed. THEN  you go to church.

4. Don't help the neighbor you know has a gun "closet" that is half his house. He has guns, most likely is a better shot than you, and doesn't have all those "emotional attachments" to the rest of the neighbors once they get infected. Their is no shame in keeping his back while he keeps you from doing something stupid. Such as-

5. Rush your loved ones with hugs. I know, they are loved ones. But Zombies don't understand love, they understand exposed necks for biting, and arms for munching. Quarantine or restrain anyone until the infection threat is gone. Then arm them.

6. DO NOT, make your "base" on the first floor if you can help it. Zombies rarely wield weapons, so stairwells are great places to hold off the Zombie Horde if your barricades fail. High ground and a narrow funnel means even people who can't shoot the broad side of a barn suddenly become harbingers of a second death to the undead.

Standing Armies

This morning on the way to work I heard a radio broadcast with people critical of the USA having a large advanced fighting force. Their critique of the cost was valid, it is expensive to maintain an army, more expensive to replace it. My concerns comes with the idea that why have an army if you have no major threats or armies.

I call this reasoning out as bullshit (as Penn & Teller would say). You find a nation or empire that dismantled or stopped advancing their military and I will show you the ruins of that same nation. Be it barbarians, corruption, or being technologically out-classed, and possibly overrun by zombies - these nations always collapse at the thought of their own invulnerability.

Now the more peaceful of you may note that standing armies are likely to cause havoc, and their leaders will find wars for them to start to keep busy. These are all things that can be countered through administration by those in charge, thankfully no businesses have purchased a war recently, so at least our current president won't be invading anywhere new.

So yes, I am supportive of a strong well trained military. Discipline is a positive trait that we should have. It is also invaluable in a zombie apocalypse.

ZEAS: Zombie Early Alert System

Being alone when you have a fear of zombies is a double edged sword. Being away from people does reduce the chances of infection greatly. Fewer people around means less zombie fodder. Less fodder means fewer zombies which should make you safer.

However there is an advantage to having fodder around, you can use them as a ZEAS, or a Zombie Early Alert System. There are reasons for pawns in a game of chess, they are there to get in the way. Once a crowd starts screaming it is a good cue to get a weapon or to leave for a defensible location. Not that I want the person to die, but having someone else around to keep an eye out can be handy. It is just easier if you have a large number of pawns on hand if something happens.

I am unsure what else to use as a warning system. Zombies are one of the more dangerous pests you can encounter in fantasy, almost as much trouble as rats. Except with a rat problem you can toss a few cats in the mix to make things easier to deal with. A stark lesson from the black plague when Europeans killed cats and dogs an subsequently faced a higher infection rate from the Black Death.

So what can be used to be pest control for zombies?

Alone

I am alone for a few weeks. Needless to say my mind is running rampant with paranoid thoughts and ideas. Right now - its the troubling times I catch things in the corner of my eye. Showering and seeing a shape in that robe hanging on the back of the bathroom door through a foggy glass door.

Yes I scare myself more than anyone else could.