Saturday, April 30, 2011

Living in Fear: Another Great home for the Zombie Apacolypse

Living in Fear: Another Great home for the Zombie Apacolypse: "I sometime am unaware of how I accumulate things in my head. I tend to have a sponge of a brain for pretty much anything. My computer can so..."

Another Great home for the Zombie Apacolypse

I sometime am unaware of how I accumulate things in my head. I tend to have a sponge of a brain for pretty much anything. My computer can sometimes be the same way. I wander the Internet and I find pictures that strike me, or I browse the shelves of bookstores and hobby shops and find things that fill my mind with ideas. Today, is a great day for Zombie Home Defense, because I have decided upon a almost perfect home that can be built (I always say almost because I can find ways of enhancing almost anything, Not ever the omega particle is without flaw no matter what the Borg may think)

I digress. Below you will see a picture that is quite frankly, genius.
Before any of you laughs, since apparently a portion of my audience does only that, just look at how seemlessly this house can transform. One moment it is a modern monster on the surrounding terrain, a pure aesthetic failure of epic proportions. Then, just moments later, it is a modern monster of design - that is surrounded by a solid layer of foot thick cement reinforced by steel and implanted with lead to protect against some forms of radiation, blocking all zombies from entering.

No horror movie-esque breaking of boarded up windows, no sneaking in through the one room you left doofus in charge of protecting - just walls of cement and steel. Mmmmm, I can smell the internally filtered air now... What could possibly make this more appealing - oh wait, I know!

There are a lot of gadgets in this book I don't personally need, they might be fun to make me seem insane and scare of future boyfriends of my daughter. However, the most amazing thing I can find a use for with this, are the directions for the Tesla coils and the laser perimeter warning system. Can't say any home defensive system can be complete without a laser tripline to trigger the alarms for you to seal this home up.

Oh, and the Tesla coils do make it more interesting once you are safely inside.

Friday, April 29, 2011

Ramblings on Royalty, Marriage and Monsters

The world was very quiet this morning, one of those quiet mornings that is at the same time unsettling. I have written of these before, the mornings so quiet that you start to think, "wait, did I miss something important last night?"

In any case, I do hear vehicles moving now. It is Friday, so perhaps they are just slow to start their day. Perhaps.

Plastered all over the news this morning is that a new princess is a part of the British Royal Family. Okay, we all knew this was going to happen (the marriage that is). Or was there some dark secret that perhaps she wouldn't go through with it. I know lots of women who would still say "I do" if a damn prince was asking them to marry them, even if they hated him! Quite Frankly, if I was a single guy and a Princess asked me to marry her, I don't think I would say no.

And another thing, not because I want to rain on anyones parade, she isn't a technical princess still. Her family only stays royal if they stay married.

And keep one thing in mind William - princesses are captured by monsters all the time. If a zombie horde kidnaps her - You have to save her on your own. Its true, I have played all the video games. Princesses are never saved by entire armies, only a single hero. If you don't make it - someone else gets to keep her. So you better keep an eye on her when monsters start prowling around the castle.

Wednesday, April 27, 2011

The Undead Yogi

So, I received an email from that was supposed to be a suggestion for a group I could be interested in. The only interest it gave me was to think of buying a shotgun because there might be a Zombie living among us.

My reason for this is as follows: The description of the group was for some new-age living style run by some guy who changed his name to sound like he has read the Bhagavad Gita a few too many times. Sounded okay so far (not that I am in to all that), but a few lines later it said the man died at the age of 7, and then came back to life. Hold-UP, he what? so this undead seven year old starts wandering around and no one tells anyone?

Now I am sure they will say he is just as alive as anyone else, which may be trued for the musculo-skeletal realm of things, but they may just be ignoring the fact that small children disappear when he is around. Classrooms of children disappear into thin air when he has everyone "meditating". What gives, last thing I need is to be led in meditation by someone who will it the person next to me gets munched on. "We all feel healthier and enlightened" YOU good sir are being drugged while he eats the people too sick to get away, that is why your group is so healthy, you are losing the sick end of the spectrum.

There, now I feel better.

And another note to anyone reading - my fear does not make me unable to kill zombies, in fact it makes me
more willing than anyone to get rid of them, no questions asked. I intend to survive them, not scream and run away. (Because standing my ground and screaming like a little baby is sooo much more brave)

Monday, April 25, 2011

Return to California

After a Blitzkrieg trip to Arizona for the weekend, I am back in California. A few lessons from my weekend I want to share.

1. I believe a personal parachute may count as a carry-on item. I can see the conversation now - "Sir, what is that in your bag?" Me "This is my insurance against your bad maintenance and poor piloting!" (very important when flying Continental. They like to land at 45 degree angles off the center axis, not the nose)

2. 3-D printers are alive and well in the world. While I have no use for the ones that print in cheese - epoxy, hard plastics, electro-responsive composites and metal all appeal to me as viable printing materials. Perhaps my belt-fed shot-gun could be made a reality!

3. Delta's exit hallways at LAX border on insanely creepy. Image below. My thoughts as I landed: God I miss Tera and Chloe, Crickey I am tired. Holy shit I need a picture of this hallway before the zombies come rushing at me. I think I would have found the energy to run even if they had shown up.

Damn Zombie hallways.

Saturday, April 23, 2011

Zombies on a Plane

So, no zombies at 10,000 feet. This time.

A bit of good did come from my journey to Arizona, I can now add two more armies to my list of know weapons caches in case of zombie attack. This brings my total to five separate locations I can easily get to whilst en route to the family in Arizona.

In other news, I was made aware that myself and my blog were being mocked for my fear of zombies - however these same people revealed that the US navy has an actual military alert code for zombies. As if knowing that would make less concerned about them.


Also 3-D printers are a reality, so machinists fell into an optional saving category. Sorry guys, just make sure your CAD skills are up to date.

Friday, April 22, 2011


Flight doesn't leave for another ten hours but I am already anxious. Still not confident I can land the plane in event of zombies. Will hope air traffic control is alive.


I just wanted to do a quick post today before I head out- I am taking a plane right after work to go visit the family over the weekend, so posting tonight other than using my phone may not be an option. That being said...

Today's thoughts will be filled with the dangers of Zombies and planes. I was paranoid last night because I couldn't think of anywhere I could go in the event of infections, except the cockpit. but then I thought, what if it the head stewardess and they already got the pilots? Can I land a plane? Hell, can I land a plane AND hold off a small horde of zombies?

Next few posts may be a treatise on the definition of a "horde". Also a discussion on whether or not Jesus of Nazareth was a prophet or not.

Wednesday, April 20, 2011

The Crisis of Creativity

I will one day be in a crisis of my own creativity. First I am pretty sure you are all wondering what the hell that means, and second you are probably wondering what that looks like. Well, hopefully I can answer both questions for you dear readers.

My better half, in her wisdom, has decided that one day I will write a zombie horror story. Knowing my infinite luck in this arena, I probably will break down and right that very story. In fact I have one that terrifies me that I intend to put on the page. It includes every disturbing thought that comes into my mind when it comes to Zombie-ism, and the ending is something that creeps me out. So, story being done - I just haven't written it.

My greater fear is what happens if it is made into a film - I would be required to go. I would have to be on set, I would have to promote the very things I want nothing to do with. My not wanting to go and being honest runs the risk of appearing to be giving the movie easy viral advertising. Which, if the movie terrifies and disturbs people like it does me - would be perfectly fine. However if people think the movie sucked - than well I look like a doofus.

Thankfully my risk of doofus-dom is pretty low - and at least I can't look as bad as John Kyl the unapologetic bastard that he is.I think I would have to stoop pretty low to be poorly viewed in the communities of the world that value things like honesty and a sense of morality. Goodness, what could I do to be that bad off?

Another blog for another day.

Tuesday, April 19, 2011

Strange Moments of Vulnerability

There are certain times and places that my fear of Zombie attacks spike. There are just common situation or every day occurences that leave a person open to be attacked by the undead, something we should all take note of.

1. Getting a massage. You are relaxing, trying to stay calm and something jumps on your back knawing on you. I was seriously thinking this saturday morning while getting a massage - least relaxing massage day ever.

2. Bathroom breaks. Nothing leave you more open for attack. Diapers people, Diapers.

3. Exiting your home/apartment. Blind corners, doorways, and pretty much every time you turn a corner too sharp you are just asking for trouble.

4. Late night jogs. Who goes running late at night? People who live in Arizona who want to live through the summer.

5. Sleeping. Most horrifying time ever, because you just don't stay awake while you sleep. If I could be awake while I got my 5 hours of sleep - I would be much happier.

Sunday, April 17, 2011

Dear Home Owner on the Hill

Dear Home owner on the hill,

I like your hours and its extremely defensible location, easy access to fields for growing food, and the ability to be reached in relatively little time in the event of a zombie apocalypse. Please understand I will only show up if the zombies are coming, no sooner. Just please be aware of the following concerns to save us both time and trouble.

1. I will keep you alive, and your family alive, until you are infected. If this happens I am "evicting" you, not the other way around.
2. Please keep a backhoe and pile driver parked behind your home. This, coupled with steel pylons, steel sheets and cement and mortar works will be part of my defensive position plans. I know you can pay for them so please do.
3. Email me where your water supply is, so I can secure it. I don't want to fight the undead for a drink.
4. There is no fourth request.
5. Please start your marksmanship practice now, I don't want to waste ammo training you after the fact.

Thank you for these considerations, I look forward to never having to meet you or and build a barricade around your home.

Signed Most Honorably,

I was hiking today and found one of the most perfect retreat positions in the event of a zombie apocalypse. Its on the high ground in the mountains north of Santa Barbara, and I wish I knew who lived there (or how long their driveway is because it is SERIOUSLY up there).

This house is so absurdly placed that I fell in love with it almost immediately. That, and on top of the damn house (though the picture doesn't quite show it) is a 360 degree observation floor. Windows facing outward from every face WELL ABOVE THE HOUSE! It is like they knew it themselves that they needed a snipers nest for taking out zombies before they got close. Also, in the event of a massive earthquake, it is not near an edge so landslides are unlikely, and may I say in the image below - Tsunami who?

For flipping Jehovah's sake - what else could I ask for? Well I could ask for the channel island preserve (yes I do consider it an option for my safe haven) given its close proximity to food sources, distance to shore, and its easy access to active oil wells. My only concern is getting trapped on the very island I am trying to secure for myself. In either case, I have another spot I can put on my list.

Friday, April 15, 2011

A few things NOT to do, When the Zombies come

1. Not prepare, and "hope for the best". - Completely and utterly stupid. If you idea is "I will lock my door and take a nap on the couch until Suzie comes home" You are just preparing yourself to be lunch.

2. Sleep in General - Guess what - sleeping just means you can't see them trying to get to you. I suggest you start practicing staying up for a week straight. First rule - ignore the voice in your head that says "we should get comfortable!", that little shit screws you every time.

3. Head to Costco first. Non-zombie Apocalypse this is fine, its a good idea. In a Zombie Apocalypse - WORST IDEA EVER to go anywhere lots of people would go. This includes church. Unless your church is the militant arm of some religious whack-job group that happens to be heavily armed. THEN  you go to church.

4. Don't help the neighbor you know has a gun "closet" that is half his house. He has guns, most likely is a better shot than you, and doesn't have all those "emotional attachments" to the rest of the neighbors once they get infected. Their is no shame in keeping his back while he keeps you from doing something stupid. Such as-

5. Rush your loved ones with hugs. I know, they are loved ones. But Zombies don't understand love, they understand exposed necks for biting, and arms for munching. Quarantine or restrain anyone until the infection threat is gone. Then arm them.

6. DO NOT, make your "base" on the first floor if you can help it. Zombies rarely wield weapons, so stairwells are great places to hold off the Zombie Horde if your barricades fail. High ground and a narrow funnel means even people who can't shoot the broad side of a barn suddenly become harbingers of a second death to the undead.

Wednesday, April 13, 2011

Standing Armies

This morning on the way to work I heard a radio broadcast with people critical of the USA having a large advanced fighting force. Their critique of the cost was valid, it is expensive to maintain an army, more expensive to replace it. My concerns comes with the idea that why have an army if you have no major threats or armies.

I call this reasoning out as bullshit (as Penn & Teller would say). You find a nation or empire that dismantled or stopped advancing their military and I will show you the ruins of that same nation. Be it barbarians, corruption, or being technologically out-classed, and possibly overrun by zombies - these nations always collapse at the thought of their own invulnerability.

Now the more peaceful of you may note that standing armies are likely to cause havoc, and their leaders will find wars for them to start to keep busy. These are all things that can be countered through administration by those in charge, thankfully no businesses have purchased a war recently, so at least our current president won't be invading anywhere new.

So yes, I am supportive of a strong well trained military. Discipline is a positive trait that we should have. It is also invaluable in a zombie apocalypse.

Monday, April 11, 2011

ZEAS: Zombie Early Alert System

Being alone when you have a fear of zombies is a double edged sword. Being away from people does reduce the chances of infection greatly. Fewer people around means less zombie fodder. Less fodder means fewer zombies which should make you safer.

However there is an advantage to having fodder around, you can use them as a ZEAS, or a Zombie Early Alert System. There are reasons for pawns in a game of chess, they are there to get in the way. Once a crowd starts screaming it is a good cue to get a weapon or to leave for a defensible location. Not that I want the person to die, but having someone else around to keep an eye out can be handy. It is just easier if you have a large number of pawns on hand if something happens.

I am unsure what else to use as a warning system. Zombies are one of the more dangerous pests you can encounter in fantasy, almost as much trouble as rats. Except with a rat problem you can toss a few cats in the mix to make things easier to deal with. A stark lesson from the black plague when Europeans killed cats and dogs an subsequently faced a higher infection rate from the Black Death.

So what can be used to be pest control for zombies?

Sunday, April 10, 2011


I am alone for a few weeks. Needless to say my mind is running rampant with paranoid thoughts and ideas. Right now - its the troubling times I catch things in the corner of my eye. Showering and seeing a shape in that robe hanging on the back of the bathroom door through a foggy glass door.

Yes I scare myself more than anyone else could.

Saturday, April 9, 2011

The Great State of Washington: Defensible Locations

Ah yes, defensible locations. One of my favorite subjects, and quite frankly one of the most important subjects people should ever have on their mind. Is this place defensible? Can I survive here? Will Michael Jackson's Thriller really make the dead dance in perfect rhythm? Thankfully I can answer all of these questions pretty regularly.

The reason why Washington is on my list tonight is due to a very strange, but thankful, quirk in the whole Zombie mythos - zombies can't swim. I am greatly thankful for this (and I am sure somewhere a Sci-Fi staff writer is making a case for "Water Zombies" for their next bad movie) as it makes more locations defensible than others. With other fantasy creatures you have more logistic concerns. Skeletons being some of the worst undead to deal with since they can do pretty much everything they want (except blink and tan I guess). A ship full of skeletons? A VERY dangerous thing that. A ship full of zombies? Only dangerous if you are stupid enough to get on board with them.

Anyways, Washington. The northwest portion of the state, as I found through my google map wanderings, is a veritable treasure trove of mild-climate islands and peninsula. Granted, I mean mild climate not because it isn't cold, but because you are not completely snowed in. That and I am sure that bears can make short work of pesky Zombies wandering in the woods. But having a few hundred acres of livable land and access to fresh water directly from the sky a majority of the year is a pretty sweet deal. All you have to do is hold a line that could be as little as a mile wide and you have a perfect bottle neck to defend from.

Also, would be champions of undead-killing, remember to make sure you are on the correct side of the bottle-neck. nothing I hate worse than someone setting up perimeter at  the bottle neck. Before any of your stupid friends start digging their trenches (or building barricades which is smarter with an enemy intent on eating you) make sure they understand that they want their opponent to come through the bottle-neck, not sit in front of it.

In either case, Washington earns today's award for defensibility. Anyone have any other suggestions I should evaluate?

Thursday, April 7, 2011

Fear of Cuddling

One of the things I hate about fearing zombies is that it makes me also fear being close to loved ones. I mean physically close to them. There are many different things to fear, but some can be feared more than most on a paranoid day.

By far one of the worst side-effects of a more paranoid day, is the fear of cuddling. Whoa, hold on - a fear of cuddling you ask? Yes, because it basically puts you into the most indefensible position you can possibly ever be in. What better to become infected than to be cuddling with someone infected with a zombifying disease when they "turn" zombie.

Never before has the gentle nuzzling of a loved one into your neck evoked more delusion panic than when you have to wonder - will they bite me sometime in the night? Will this fun movie night turn into a nightmare?

Stop looking at me with that face, it is an irrational fear for a reason - because it is bothersome and strange in all its quirkiness.But once the zombies come, don't expect me to be handing out hugs - arms length saves lives.

Wednesday, April 6, 2011

The Silence of Being Alone

Last night I was sent out on errands by the other half after we were all home. So, taking my daughter I left and gave her, my other half, some time alone in the apartment. When I returned with errand items in tow, she commented on how strange it was to have the apartment so quiet. I explained to her that the silence she experienced could also be maddening.

I spend a large portion of my time alone. If not in reality than at least emotionally. Living alone at these times all I have is the silence to keep me company. To be honest, silence is a jerk to have for company. Its creepy, over bearing and it makes you depressed. My apartment building is so quiet I don't even get the occasional fights in the unit next door, the rhythmic slamming of a couple "bonding" next door, or even kids running amok causing a racket. It is no wonder that I am driven to high levels of paranoia after a few days home alone.

Most of my days are silent and start out with this morning fog. No, this is not a picture of anywhere near me - I am using a picture from Ontario. In either case, waking up each day to this, having not heard a single person in sometimes 48 hours - well anyone would be worried about where the hell everyone was. Zombies could be just beyond the mists, finishing up the last of humanity except for me. Do I want to go wandering out into the nothingness to find out - no, that is stupid. Fog dissipates, wait for it to clear.

Tuesday, April 5, 2011

Infectious Nature of Fear

There is a grim reality that people around me must face after they make fun of my Zombie Fear; the reality that they may themselves begin to share in my fear. I won't reveal the names of the people around me that have felt this way, but readers you should all know that fear is contagious.

When we see the rational intelligent people in our lives so terrified by something, it is human nature to begin to wonder if they may not have a point. In my case some have had nightmares and even moments of fearful clarity as they watched someone shamble around in the night - and they have that quiet voice of unreasonable fear pop into their heads. The thought sticks with them, digging its claws into their mind.

For those of you who will begin to fear so much - its okay, its human to have new fears.

Monday, April 4, 2011

Aliens vs Zombies

I have finally gotten around to watching the Aliens movies. The alien species itself is quite strange to me, given the fact their parasitic growth cycle is just as dependent on killing humans as Zombies are infecting people. While watching "Aliens" I actually had the thought of "I wonder what an Aliens vs Zombies" movie would turn out like. Can aliens be zombi-fied? Do aliens prefer raw fresh flesh, or if it is still moving they will try to use the zombies just like humans?

Face huggers are just as bad as any Zombie virus. And the fact they can move around so well and jump out at you has its own level of creepiness to it. Just taking a walk in the park and then BAM! Face hugger downs you. This is very similar to walking through the park, and BAM! Zombie tackles and bites you.

In both cases a few hours from now you will be dead (or undead) and release a creature that is deadly to others, either the parasite from the alien or you become a zombie.

Would full grown aliens kidnap zombies for hosting the baby aliens from the face huggers? I guess it is a question of how fresh they need the meat to be. Humans are just cattle in this case. Is this like selecting between Long horn or dairy cow?

In either case I can make it through Aliens, not so much a zombie movie.

Sunday, April 3, 2011

The Weapon of Choice: The Belt-Fed Shotgun

I have been thinking about an earlier blog I wrote about weaponry and how to choose your weapon to defend yourself with. Ever since I half-heartedly mentioned the idea of a belt-fed shotgun, I have not been able to get it out of my head. It was an idea of whim - something silly to be tossed on to the page. Now here I sit thinking of how such a contraption could work.

I am not a gun smith, and frankly it is probably one skill my family does not have. We can do a lot of things, but making guns I don't think is among them. Perhaps I could ask my father. One of my "fond" memories of him is from my last visit years ago. It was my last morning before I had to return home, and I find him in the garage making a grenade. It is not that I am afraid of explosives, quite the opposite. It is the absurdity that walking around in the workshops of my family you are likely to find any number of strange projects.

In any case, belt-fed shotgun. Shotguns filled with 00 buckshot are extremely deadly at close range. You don't have to aim particularly well and a cone of death spreads out from you. The problem is the reloading. Shotguns can have two, five, or eight shells in them before you are stuck putting a new shell in for each shot you want to have. The reloading process is one of the most easily interrupted as well. Single placement of cartridges is an additional spot for a mistake.

With a belt feed into the side of the mechanism, you can reduce the error of shaky hands in a combat situation. You fire, ratchet, and you are ready to go again. As long as you don't have things grabbing at you at close range (branches or undead) the belt can be kept clear and untangled on anything else. A shotgun with 100 or more rounds of fire, now that is a gun I want to see. Slug or 00 or even incendiary rounds are a winning combination.

Saturday, April 2, 2011

The Quiet Morning

I am a morning person. I enjoy being awake long before the sun comes up, before people begin to clamor about and bring noise to the world. The silence and emptiness is both soothing and terrifying for  me.

I have enjoyed mornings here near the coast, with the beauty of fog clouding my vision out of the window of my apartment. The hill north of town with the homes I wish I could afford to buy sits beyond the white mists - but no one could say what its fate is at that point. As much as the fog gives the world a clean pristine mystery, it also holds the hidden dangers of what is within.

Some morning the silence is deafening. The crunch of gravel along the roads a thunderous clash, and my feet the cymbals of the heavens cast upon the earth. Any zombies could hear that. As strange as it may seem - I have not seen a zombie infestation that affeccts hearing. It seems that zombification affects sight, smell, strength and touch - but never hearing? Whoever dreams of zombies must be music lovers - god forbid they lose the ability to enjoy music while they are eating people.

I think those musical bastards must have it out for the rest of us. People with sensitively sharp ears as well - they created zombies to silence the world. I can see it now, a super-villain being asked.

"Why are you doing this? Why destroy the world?"

"Because everyone is too damn loud and I am trying to compose a symphony!"

<<Start Zombification>>

Damn people with sensitive ears. I wonder what I could create to get back at them? Other than my idea for a belt fed combat shotgun, Without that, I am at a loss.