Saturday, April 30, 2011
I digress. Below you will see a picture that is quite frankly, genius.
No horror movie-esque breaking of boarded up windows, no sneaking in through the one room you left doofus in charge of protecting - just walls of cement and steel. Mmmmm, I can smell the internally filtered air now... What could possibly make this more appealing - oh wait, I know!
Oh, and the Tesla coils do make it more interesting once you are safely inside.
Friday, April 29, 2011
In any case, I do hear vehicles moving now. It is Friday, so perhaps they are just slow to start their day. Perhaps.
Plastered all over the news this morning is that a new princess is a part of the British Royal Family. Okay, we all knew this was going to happen (the marriage that is). Or was there some dark secret that perhaps she wouldn't go through with it. I know lots of women who would still say "I do" if a damn prince was asking them to marry them, even if they hated him! Quite Frankly, if I was a single guy and a Princess asked me to marry her, I don't think I would say no.
And another thing, not because I want to rain on anyones parade, she isn't a technical princess still. Her family only stays royal if they stay married.
And keep one thing in mind William - princesses are captured by monsters all the time. If a zombie horde kidnaps her - You have to save her on your own. Its true, I have played all the video games. Princesses are never saved by entire armies, only a single hero. If you don't make it - someone else gets to keep her. So you better keep an eye on her when monsters start prowling around the castle.
Wednesday, April 27, 2011
My reason for this is as follows: The description of the group was for some new-age living style run by some guy who changed his name to sound like he has read the Bhagavad Gita a few too many times. Sounded okay so far (not that I am in to all that), but a few lines later it said the man died at the age of 7, and then came back to life. Hold-UP, he what? so this undead seven year old starts wandering around and no one tells anyone?
Now I am sure they will say he is just as alive as anyone else, which may be trued for the musculo-skeletal realm of things, but they may just be ignoring the fact that small children disappear when he is around. Classrooms of children disappear into thin air when he has everyone "meditating". What gives, last thing I need is to be led in meditation by someone who will it the person next to me gets munched on. "We all feel healthier and enlightened" YOU good sir are being drugged while he eats the people too sick to get away, that is why your group is so healthy, you are losing the sick end of the spectrum.
There, now I feel better.
And another note to anyone reading - my fear does not make me unable to kill zombies, in fact it makes me
more willing than anyone to get rid of them, no questions asked. I intend to survive them, not scream and run away. (Because standing my ground and screaming like a little baby is sooo much more brave)
Monday, April 25, 2011
1. I believe a personal parachute may count as a carry-on item. I can see the conversation now - "Sir, what is that in your bag?" Me "This is my insurance against your bad maintenance and poor piloting!" (very important when flying Continental. They like to land at 45 degree angles off the center axis, not the nose)
2. 3-D printers are alive and well in the world. While I have no use for the ones that print in cheese - epoxy, hard plastics, electro-responsive composites and metal all appeal to me as viable printing materials. Perhaps my belt-fed shot-gun could be made a reality!
Saturday, April 23, 2011
So, no zombies at 10,000 feet. This time.
A bit of good did come from my journey to Arizona, I can now add two more armies to my list of know weapons caches in case of zombie attack. This brings my total to five separate locations I can easily get to whilst en route to the family in Arizona.
In other news, I was made aware that myself and my blog were being mocked for my fear of zombies - however these same people revealed that the US navy has an actual military alert code for zombies. As if knowing that would make less concerned about them.
Also 3-D printers are a reality, so machinists fell into an optional saving category. Sorry guys, just make sure your CAD skills are up to date.
Friday, April 22, 2011
Today's thoughts will be filled with the dangers of Zombies and planes. I was paranoid last night because I couldn't think of anywhere I could go in the event of infections, except the cockpit. but then I thought, what if it the head stewardess and they already got the pilots? Can I land a plane? Hell, can I land a plane AND hold off a small horde of zombies?
Next few posts may be a treatise on the definition of a "horde". Also a discussion on whether or not Jesus of Nazareth was a prophet or not.
Wednesday, April 20, 2011
My better half, in her wisdom, has decided that one day I will write a zombie horror story. Knowing my infinite luck in this arena, I probably will break down and right that very story. In fact I have one that terrifies me that I intend to put on the page. It includes every disturbing thought that comes into my mind when it comes to Zombie-ism, and the ending is something that creeps me out. So, story being done - I just haven't written it.
My greater fear is what happens if it is made into a film - I would be required to go. I would have to be on set, I would have to promote the very things I want nothing to do with. My not wanting to go and being honest runs the risk of appearing to be giving the movie easy viral advertising. Which, if the movie terrifies and disturbs people like it does me - would be perfectly fine. However if people think the movie sucked - than well I look like a doofus.
Thankfully my risk of doofus-dom is pretty low - and at least I can't look as bad as John Kyl the unapologetic bastard that he is.I think I would have to stoop pretty low to be poorly viewed in the communities of the world that value things like honesty and a sense of morality. Goodness, what could I do to be that bad off?
Another blog for another day.
Tuesday, April 19, 2011
1. Getting a massage. You are relaxing, trying to stay calm and something jumps on your back knawing on you. I was seriously thinking this saturday morning while getting a massage - least relaxing massage day ever.
2. Bathroom breaks. Nothing leave you more open for attack. Diapers people, Diapers.
3. Exiting your home/apartment. Blind corners, doorways, and pretty much every time you turn a corner too sharp you are just asking for trouble.
4. Late night jogs. Who goes running late at night? People who live in Arizona who want to live through the summer.
5. Sleeping. Most horrifying time ever, because you just don't stay awake while you sleep. If I could be awake while I got my 5 hours of sleep - I would be much happier.
Sunday, April 17, 2011
I like your hours and its extremely defensible location, easy access to fields for growing food, and the ability to be reached in relatively little time in the event of a zombie apocalypse. Please understand I will only show up if the zombies are coming, no sooner. Just please be aware of the following concerns to save us both time and trouble.
1. I will keep you alive, and your family alive, until you are infected. If this happens I am "evicting" you, not the other way around.
2. Please keep a backhoe and pile driver parked behind your home. This, coupled with steel pylons, steel sheets and cement and mortar works will be part of my defensive position plans. I know you can pay for them so please do.
3. Email me where your water supply is, so I can secure it. I don't want to fight the undead for a drink.
4. There is no fourth request.
5. Please start your marksmanship practice now, I don't want to waste ammo training you after the fact.
Thank you for these considerations, I look forward to never having to meet you or and build a barricade around your home.
Signed Most Honorably,
I was hiking today and found one of the most perfect retreat positions in the event of a zombie apocalypse. Its on the high ground in the mountains north of Santa Barbara, and I wish I knew who lived there (or how long their driveway is because it is SERIOUSLY up there).
This house is so absurdly placed that I fell in love with it almost immediately. That, and on top of the damn house (though the picture doesn't quite show it) is a 360 degree observation floor. Windows facing outward from every face WELL ABOVE THE HOUSE! It is like they knew it themselves that they needed a snipers nest for taking out zombies before they got close. Also, in the event of a massive earthquake, it is not near an edge so landslides are unlikely, and may I say in the image below - Tsunami who?
For flipping Jehovah's sake - what else could I ask for? Well I could ask for the channel island preserve (yes I do consider it an option for my safe haven) given its close proximity to food sources, distance to shore, and its easy access to active oil wells. My only concern is getting trapped on the very island I am trying to secure for myself. In either case, I have another spot I can put on my list.
Friday, April 15, 2011
2. Sleep in General - Guess what - sleeping just means you can't see them trying to get to you. I suggest you start practicing staying up for a week straight. First rule - ignore the voice in your head that says "we should get comfortable!", that little shit screws you every time.
3. Head to Costco first. Non-zombie Apocalypse this is fine, its a good idea. In a Zombie Apocalypse - WORST IDEA EVER to go anywhere lots of people would go. This includes church. Unless your church is the militant arm of some religious whack-job group that happens to be heavily armed. THEN you go to church.
4. Don't help the neighbor you know has a gun "closet" that is half his house. He has guns, most likely is a better shot than you, and doesn't have all those "emotional attachments" to the rest of the neighbors once they get infected. Their is no shame in keeping his back while he keeps you from doing something stupid. Such as-
5. Rush your loved ones with hugs. I know, they are loved ones. But Zombies don't understand love, they understand exposed necks for biting, and arms for munching. Quarantine or restrain anyone until the infection threat is gone. Then arm them.
6. DO NOT, make your "base" on the first floor if you can help it. Zombies rarely wield weapons, so stairwells are great places to hold off the Zombie Horde if your barricades fail. High ground and a narrow funnel means even people who can't shoot the broad side of a barn suddenly become harbingers of a second death to the undead.
Wednesday, April 13, 2011
This morning on the way to work I heard a radio broadcast with people critical of the USA having a large advanced fighting force. Their critique of the cost was valid, it is expensive to maintain an army, more expensive to replace it. My concerns comes with the idea that why have an army if you have no major threats or armies.
I call this reasoning out as bullshit (as Penn & Teller would say). You find a nation or empire that dismantled or stopped advancing their military and I will show you the ruins of that same nation. Be it barbarians, corruption, or being technologically out-classed, and possibly overrun by zombies - these nations always collapse at the thought of their own invulnerability.
Now the more peaceful of you may note that standing armies are likely to cause havoc, and their leaders will find wars for them to start to keep busy. These are all things that can be countered through administration by those in charge, thankfully no businesses have purchased a war recently, so at least our current president won't be invading anywhere new.
So yes, I am supportive of a strong well trained military. Discipline is a positive trait that we should have. It is also invaluable in a zombie apocalypse.
Monday, April 11, 2011
Being alone when you have a fear of zombies is a double edged sword. Being away from people does reduce the chances of infection greatly. Fewer people around means less zombie fodder. Less fodder means fewer zombies which should make you safer.
However there is an advantage to having fodder around, you can use them as a ZEAS, or a Zombie Early Alert System. There are reasons for pawns in a game of chess, they are there to get in the way. Once a crowd starts screaming it is a good cue to get a weapon or to leave for a defensible location. Not that I want the person to die, but having someone else around to keep an eye out can be handy. It is just easier if you have a large number of pawns on hand if something happens.
I am unsure what else to use as a warning system. Zombies are one of the more dangerous pests you can encounter in fantasy, almost as much trouble as rats. Except with a rat problem you can toss a few cats in the mix to make things easier to deal with. A stark lesson from the black plague when Europeans killed cats and dogs an subsequently faced a higher infection rate from the Black Death.
So what can be used to be pest control for zombies?
Sunday, April 10, 2011
Yes I scare myself more than anyone else could.
Saturday, April 9, 2011
The reason why Washington is on my list tonight is due to a very strange, but thankful, quirk in the whole Zombie mythos - zombies can't swim. I am greatly thankful for this (and I am sure somewhere a Sci-Fi staff writer is making a case for "Water Zombies" for their next bad movie) as it makes more locations defensible than others. With other fantasy creatures you have more logistic concerns. Skeletons being some of the worst undead to deal with since they can do pretty much everything they want (except blink and tan I guess). A ship full of skeletons? A VERY dangerous thing that. A ship full of zombies? Only dangerous if you are stupid enough to get on board with them.
Anyways, Washington. The northwest portion of the state, as I found through my google map wanderings, is a veritable treasure trove of mild-climate islands and peninsula. Granted, I mean mild climate not because it isn't cold, but because you are not completely snowed in. That and I am sure that bears can make short work of pesky Zombies wandering in the woods. But having a few hundred acres of livable land and access to fresh water directly from the sky a majority of the year is a pretty sweet deal. All you have to do is hold a line that could be as little as a mile wide and you have a perfect bottle neck to defend from.
Also, would be champions of undead-killing, remember to make sure you are on the correct side of the bottle-neck. nothing I hate worse than someone setting up perimeter at the bottle neck. Before any of your stupid friends start digging their trenches (or building barricades which is smarter with an enemy intent on eating you) make sure they understand that they want their opponent to come through the bottle-neck, not sit in front of it.
In either case, Washington earns today's award for defensibility. Anyone have any other suggestions I should evaluate?
Thursday, April 7, 2011
By far one of the worst side-effects of a more paranoid day, is the fear of cuddling. Whoa, hold on - a fear of cuddling you ask? Yes, because it basically puts you into the most indefensible position you can possibly ever be in. What better to become infected than to be cuddling with someone infected with a zombifying disease when they "turn" zombie.
Never before has the gentle nuzzling of a loved one into your neck evoked more delusion panic than when you have to wonder - will they bite me sometime in the night? Will this fun movie night turn into a nightmare?
Stop looking at me with that face, it is an irrational fear for a reason - because it is bothersome and strange in all its quirkiness.But once the zombies come, don't expect me to be handing out hugs - arms length saves lives.
Wednesday, April 6, 2011
I spend a large portion of my time alone. If not in reality than at least emotionally. Living alone at these times all I have is the silence to keep me company. To be honest, silence is a jerk to have for company. Its creepy, over bearing and it makes you depressed. My apartment building is so quiet I don't even get the occasional fights in the unit next door, the rhythmic slamming of a couple "bonding" next door, or even kids running amok causing a racket. It is no wonder that I am driven to high levels of paranoia after a few days home alone.
Tuesday, April 5, 2011
When we see the rational intelligent people in our lives so terrified by something, it is human nature to begin to wonder if they may not have a point. In my case some have had nightmares and even moments of fearful clarity as they watched someone shamble around in the night - and they have that quiet voice of unreasonable fear pop into their heads. The thought sticks with them, digging its claws into their mind.
For those of you who will begin to fear so much - its okay, its human to have new fears.
Monday, April 4, 2011
Face huggers are just as bad as any Zombie virus. And the fact they can move around so well and jump out at you has its own level of creepiness to it. Just taking a walk in the park and then BAM! Face hugger downs you. This is very similar to walking through the park, and BAM! Zombie tackles and bites you.
In both cases a few hours from now you will be dead (or undead) and release a creature that is deadly to others, either the parasite from the alien or you become a zombie.
Would full grown aliens kidnap zombies for hosting the baby aliens from the face huggers? I guess it is a question of how fresh they need the meat to be. Humans are just cattle in this case. Is this like selecting between Long horn or dairy cow?
In either case I can make it through Aliens, not so much a zombie movie.
Sunday, April 3, 2011
I am not a gun smith, and frankly it is probably one skill my family does not have. We can do a lot of things, but making guns I don't think is among them. Perhaps I could ask my father. One of my "fond" memories of him is from my last visit years ago. It was my last morning before I had to return home, and I find him in the garage making a grenade. It is not that I am afraid of explosives, quite the opposite. It is the absurdity that walking around in the workshops of my family you are likely to find any number of strange projects.
In any case, belt-fed shotgun. Shotguns filled with 00 buckshot are extremely deadly at close range. You don't have to aim particularly well and a cone of death spreads out from you. The problem is the reloading. Shotguns can have two, five, or eight shells in them before you are stuck putting a new shell in for each shot you want to have. The reloading process is one of the most easily interrupted as well. Single placement of cartridges is an additional spot for a mistake.
With a belt feed into the side of the mechanism, you can reduce the error of shaky hands in a combat situation. You fire, ratchet, and you are ready to go again. As long as you don't have things grabbing at you at close range (branches or undead) the belt can be kept clear and untangled on anything else. A shotgun with 100 or more rounds of fire, now that is a gun I want to see. Slug or 00 or even incendiary rounds are a winning combination.
Saturday, April 2, 2011
I have enjoyed mornings here near the coast, with the beauty of fog clouding my vision out of the window of my apartment. The hill north of town with the homes I wish I could afford to buy sits beyond the white mists - but no one could say what its fate is at that point. As much as the fog gives the world a clean pristine mystery, it also holds the hidden dangers of what is within.
Some morning the silence is deafening. The crunch of gravel along the roads a thunderous clash, and my feet the cymbals of the heavens cast upon the earth. Any zombies could hear that. As strange as it may seem - I have not seen a zombie infestation that affeccts hearing. It seems that zombification affects sight, smell, strength and touch - but never hearing? Whoever dreams of zombies must be music lovers - god forbid they lose the ability to enjoy music while they are eating people.
I think those musical bastards must have it out for the rest of us. People with sensitively sharp ears as well - they created zombies to silence the world. I can see it now, a super-villain being asked.
"Why are you doing this? Why destroy the world?"
"Because everyone is too damn loud and I am trying to compose a symphony!"
Damn people with sensitive ears. I wonder what I could create to get back at them? Other than my idea for a belt fed combat shotgun, Without that, I am at a loss.