Thursday, December 29, 2011

Zombies of the New Year

One the thing I think about when I am out in the world – especially in crowds, is how easily the location turns into a ZBA (Zombie Buffet Area for those of you who are newer readers). These zones are veritable deathtraps for the living. It is already dangerous if there is a crowd – but you know I am digressing so let’s create some context.

 

Put in your mind, an image of Times Square – you know where that big party is held for a crystal ball to fall is located signifying the end of the year and the start of the next one. I have grown less excited for New Years as I have gotten older. I can’t even recall if I stayed up until midnight last year. Maybe it is my concern that being at an event, like the Times Square New Year’s party, is a very uncomfortable situation. How could you even tell a Zombie was coming until it was right on top of you? You wouldn’t hear the shuffling steps, the scraping of old shoes or bone on pavement. You would be happily bounding around watching the lights and confetti and listening to music until the very moment you were pounced on.

 

Now with that lovely image in your mind – you can imagine that would be only for people on the outskirts of the crowd. People on the inside would only get to experience the joy of being trampled as they began to run in a panic. Chances are they would not even know they were running as a simple basic animal programming code would kick in in the brain. (This is why herds of animals and schools of fish move as a group – If you friends are scared and running away chances are you should as well). It saves processing time in the mind to just go with the running crowd. Of course once you start running you may wonder why.

 

Once everyone realizes something is up – and it involves flesh eating SOB’s with hygiene issues – everyone immediately runs to their loved ones – including the punks who got infected somehow. Now I love my family – but in ANY situation involving a highly contagious biological agent they are well aware I am putting quarantine protocols in place. Be it mega-flu, zombie-ism or anything else, there will be no running into open arms. This does not mean I love my family any less – it just means I want as many of us to survive as possible.

 

So yes – New Year’s not so exciting for me, it just leads to some ever more exciting fear incidents.

Wednesday, December 14, 2011

Headphone Paranoia

I occasionally suffer from a few of using headphones. This is not some new phobia – it is based on the idea that when I use my noise cancelling headphones (that I love oh so much) that I can’t hear much of anything else. I mean, that is the point of noise cancelling headphones – but it scares me that I can’t hear someone or something (or a damn zombie) coming up behind me to take a bite out of me.

 

So as much as I enjoy my music – it many times comes with a distinct terror that I can’t hear anything coming after me. If I am lucky the zombies are not already in my home, or my office building and I will perhaps hear screams of their first victims over the ramblings of my playlist through music land. At times when I am alone – I pretty much will have to write myself off – or I just listen using one headphone off. That option does make the modern stereo sound system kind of suck since I lose half of the sound.

 

I guess I will just continue to live with me fear since I can’t really give up my headphone usage – especially at work. That or I will need to develop a solid perimeter alarm system – that shouldn’t be too difficult right?

 

Thursday, December 8, 2011

Hospitals in the Apocalypse

I had a family emergency yesterday and spent some time in the emergency room. Once the emergency was settled and everyone was waiting to be released, I was left with the zombie thoughts that invade my mind once I calm down. This thought process lead me to think of how I could defend a hospital from a zombie attack.

Quite frankly - a hospital is a flipping crap-shoot when it comes time for an apocalypse (yes my actual thoughts on this are even more expletive filled). Part of my inspiration comes from theoatmeal.com and its detailed documentary on the dangers (and stupidity) of a zombie apocalypse. Hospitals really have no reason to be considered a safe haven - especially once a bunch of flesh eating bastards are on the loose. Even worse if they start in the building. There are literally five different ways to access every section of the hospital, and the place is a maze. The damn labyrinth of Greek myth is easier to navigate than a hospital.

That is not even getting into the idea of barricading the main doors - that just wont be a viable option given the number of doors and walkways you are dealing with. It is little wonder that a single infected doofus can infect hundreds that then go out and infect the world - and you know the rest of the story.

Maybe that is why sesame street doesn't have a hospital - and I don't recall there being any strange winding hallways that lead back onto themselves. In fact sesame street can be secured with few barricades at all - if you take the maps located here. This only reinforces the idea that Sesame Street is a safe place to be in a zombie apocalypse. 

Tuesday, November 29, 2011

Zombie Short Story

So I am toying with the idea of writing my zombie book as a short story here in this blog. To be entirely honest, it is something I am leery about – since I have to write from the dark corner of my mind that reality doesn’t go into very often. You know – kind of like visiting your kid at college when they have their first apartment. You are not quite sure what you may find since you know they are probably living in a place close to being condemned with a half dozen other people – that sort of scary and dark and leaves you wondering if you could make it back out alive.

 

(Note to self – make sure my daughter keeps a clean living space)

 

If I do it – I want to do it soon since I want to make the complete tale available on Kindle format again (because cheap and easy to supply is good for us broke writer wanna-be’s). Though if it turns out like my first book did (Empires Awakening on Amazon.com) it will turn from a short story into a full length novel. Not how I want to spend my evenings – but I will do it for the fans (I know I have one, not sure if I have any others).

Wednesday, November 16, 2011

Sometimes I Need to....

Just get away from it all – especially Zombies. It is not like I run into them often or anything – I just think it easier to stay away from them entirely. If there is anything I hate worse than zombies – it is people who are about as useful as zombies. Zombies don’t even serve a function in society – they are the anti-thesis of order in some regards. And don’t give me that “They get the slow ones” line – I know they do that, but eventually they will catch us fleet footed ones unaware, eventually we pull a muscle in our leg, eventually we must sleep.

 

People that slow us down and interfere with progress are just as infuriating in my mind – because if they were zombies we could just get rid of them. Being the “living” they are allowed to stay that way.

 

I like function and efficiency – neither of which zombies care about. Maybe I dislike them because of their mindless shambling about biting people. Doesn’t quite explain why I nearly die from anxiety at the very mention of them or possibly seeing them – but it is a theory.

Monday, October 31, 2011

Halloween

I am divided internally on how I feel about this holiday. In all honesty – I see as an easily abused holiday for the undead. How long into Halloween would it be before the stem of zombie attacks would be stopped? Who would you know to defend yourself against? Halloween is nothing but a really bad time for a Zombie attack – hands down with no room for argument.

 

However, I have a daughter, and she is going to go trick or treating no matter how paranoid I am about the shadows holding an undead menace. My daughter is beyond adorable – and to say she is the center of my universe feels like an under-statement. To disappoint her would be a tragedy that would be nigh unforgivable.

 

Just means I have to carry a weapon with me tonight.

Thursday, October 27, 2011

Lingering Doubts

The days after a night filled with Zombie Madness inside my head continues to have little “echoes” of strangeness bouncing around.

 

One example – why must I keep my toes covered to protect against zombies? I am thinking this may actually be a lingering fear that Toe-Fairies might be around. It is not that toe-Fairies or Zombies hang out – it is just that my mental defense against fears must be lowered at these times.

 

Second – All locks must be repeatedly checked and rechecked to insure they are secure. This also means I try to have one piece of heavy furniture per door or window to slow down the incoming horde. How I intend to block all the entrances quickly when I am the only person in the home able to move things around I don’t know.

 

Third – Why do I need to know how I will sequester my family in the loft in event that the perimeter is breached? I actually have thought out the most effective method of getting my family to the proverbial “high ground”. I will neither confirm nor deny the presence of defensive machinery in the home.

 

Fourth – Why do I spend hours trying to develop a perimeter security system for a cabin I have not even built yet? I am trying to determine how I can secure an acre to 5 acre lot against a horde of undead so I can live comfortably inside without their interrupting me. So far I am trying to determine how to use a dead-mans weight system to make this work, though digging the trench for 10 foot tall perimeter fencing seems like a lot of work (and the whole expanding razor wire system is another discussion).

 

There are days I hate my mind (but very few where I really do).

Tuesday, October 25, 2011

Zombie Nights

 

One of my greatest frustrations with my own mind comes from one of the greatest strengths – my ability to focus on something. My mind latches on and will refuse to let go of an idea or thought process until all possible outcomes and combinations are complete. When working on projects or new hobbies this is great. When I started researching Horology (clock making for those of us not wanting to Google it) within days I had a running concept of how to make the clock, and even had found plans for my first clock. This brain of mine is less of a friend when it latches on thoughts of zombies.

 

You guessed it, last night was another paranoid evening of thinking on the undead. I wonder if I would feel better just setting up a matrix of trip wires in the yard and house. I mean, it is not like my current residence can get any safer. The home has a security system that beeps every single time a door opens. You might assume that I would relax knowing that – but it doesn’t help because my mind is not sated with such simple solutions.

 

I have been paranoid that my mother in law may “turn” as they call it, in the middle of the night. You think in-laws are bad alive – imagine them as zombies. Ugh. It usually turns into the two halves of my brain having a running fight – trying to determine who has the better logic.

 

Fearful: “There is no telling if the house is safe”

Logical: “There were no zombies here fifteen minutes ago, you checked all the locks, and every window is closed.”

Fearful: “what is they sneak in. They could get past the door chime by climbing in a window!”

Logical: “The shambling, clumsy undead would have to break the window to get in. Even without the shambling – there is that whole ‘breaking the window’ part that gives you a warning.

Fearful: “Never underestimate them. They could be quiet, shambling, sneaky undead.”

Logical: “….Seriously?”

Reality: “You do realize there are no zombies right?”

Logical: “That is just what a zombie would want the world to think. I don’t trust that.”

Fearful: “Oh no, a zombie conspiracy?!?”

 

This is how my mind works. Notice how the “Logical” portion of my brain never tries to say that zombies don’t exist – it tries to deduce why were are only currently safe from the undead. So much for logic being any help what-so-ever.

Saturday, October 1, 2011

Living in Fear: Zombie Preparation Kit

Living in Fear: Zombie Preparation Kit: I always enjoy finding other Zombie apocalypse plans, or being sent lists of items that everyone should have in case of a Zombification eve...

Thursday, September 29, 2011

Zombie Preparation Kit

I always enjoy finding other Zombie apocalypse plans, or being sent lists of items that everyone should have in case of a Zombification event. To be entirely frank - I have a pretty in depth list as it is - I even had to develop a way of processing new items as they get brought up to see where they lie in order of importance. Let's face it now - some things are just more important for long term zombie attack survival than others. Holly Madison is pretty far down on the list - sorry her fake boobs, insured or not, won't make life any easier when people start eating each other.

Today's list is actually from last week - CNN Money created a list of items (and their cost - as if money is important with undead running around) that everyone should consider having in the event of a zombie level event. Perhaps I should make that another acronym - ZLE.

1. Ghost 400 Crossbow - I will be honest, there is a special place in my heart for crossbows. This is the medieval equivalent of armor piercing bullets. While arrows always had a better range and are very deadly - crossbows are the cudgels of long range weapons. They don't just pierce - they SLAM into their target at the minimum taking the wind out of them. While the review says aim for the head - most likely you will remove the entire head when you hit - solving that pesky biting once they are down problem. Oh - and the ammunition is re-usable (if you feel the need to retrieve your shots that is)

2. Husqvarna Chainsaw - Chainsaw's were made popular by two things = Evil Dead and the Doom series (if you haven't ever found the chainsaw in Doom you haven't really ever played it). While I commend any destructive weapon - chainsaws are noisy and messy - splattering blood and gore that will most likely infect yourself and your peers - reducing the numbers of non-undead.

3. Orchid Samurai Sword - Swords - while not the optimum weapon of choice due to their range, they are the most dependable. No one has ever said they have run out of ammunition while using a sword. Swords do not jam, they operate in the cold, the heat, under water..... pretty much if you can move the sword works. I have few already myself.

4. Anti-Riot Helmet - Any sort of armor that is light and effective is a bonus in my book. The downside to this model is that the neck is open for biting. If it doesn't have a coif - it is not going to help as much as it should.

5. Anti-Riot Armor - I pretty much have to repeat my last statement. I love armor - and this stuff looks great. Two deficiencies in this design though. First, no neck protection (coifs were invented for a reason people) and even more bizarre in this case - why does this thing not have gloves included?

6. Skull-faced mask - This is screaming "Shoot me as well!" I get the whole intimidation factor for the living, but this is for the undead - the only thing this does is make you a target.

7. Night Vision goggles - This is a pretty good idea. If you can find a few pair, it never hurts to have them once night falls. Darkness has always been the ally of the undead - for some reason rotting eye tissues have excellent night vision capabilities. While I call bullshit on that - it doesn't hurt to have the upper hand with your body armor to also have better vision than the undead hunting you.

It is a limited list - but a list none-the-less. I just have to wonder how much money was plugged into CNN Money for placing these items and their manufacturers. Either way - all of these items will be more useful than Holly Madison. Unless of course you intend to use her as bait (which is a honest waste).

Thursday, September 22, 2011

Once again, Into the Zombification Disease....

I want to thank ars technica for breaking this horrifying story. Once again - a zombification disease is in the news. This time it strikes Gypsy moths - who climb to the top of a tree and wait to be turned into a liquid (from the disease) so it can infect even more once rain comes and washes it down onto other caterpillars.

This disease is just as crazy as the ant zombie disease - except it has the added function of liquification. I don't know about you - but I don't want to become a puddle of myself. The caterpillars don't even have the decency to have zombie hunting squads to control the spread of the disease like the ants do. At least ants recognize a problem when they see it!

I guess I can add options to what happens once infected with a zombie virus - you melt like the wicked witch from Wizard of Oz - or you go and eat your family. What amazing choices.

Saturday, September 17, 2011

Traveling Post- Apocalypse

I have grand plans. There are times that my grand plans do hit upon some rather realistic snags though, problems that would definitely be of a concern.

I have mentioned in the past about my grand idea to possible take over Nueschwanstein Castle as securable location in the event of the zombie apocalypse - or just one in general. It doesn't have to be zombie related. The first great hurdle appears when a person points out to me (Thanks John) I do not know how to sail - and I live across the Atlantic ocean from mainland Europe. This does pose a problem and the only option I have at the moment is finding a port with a cruise liner in it - turning that SOB around and running it smack dab into the cost of France.I guess it will have to be a one way trip.

Second issue - It is located in an area with some harsh terrain and weather. It is highly likely I will spend more hours each day making sure the castle doesn't fall in on top of me than planning how to save humanity from itself. Sorry everyone - it is unlikely I will be pulling a Will Smith "I have a cure" moment out of my hat. So my recommendation is to not become infected.

Third - there is no third. Well maybe there is - in the form of having to cross a third of the surface of the Earth probably overrun with undead. Not like I would let that get to me right? (yes, yes it would)

Wednesday, September 14, 2011

Disease Transit

One of the worst things about zombie flicks these days - is the spread of the disease typically causing the problem. I say "worst" simply because I don't like zombies, usually they take a simple fluid to fluid transmission system and let the biting, gnawing, scratching and other unpleasantness begin. This is probably my least favorite part.

I think if a zombie disease were to really break out - it would probably have a similar spreading mechanism to the modern flu. After watching the movie "Contagion" this weekend, my distaste for touching things grew tenfold. The disease was transmitted through touch - that alone was enough to move the virus around. The horrible part of this (aside from the idiotic teenagers laughing at death) is that it is the most likely mode of transmission that would probably develop. Airborne pathogens (thankfully) I believe enjoy great frailty due to their "airy" nature. Let us hope that I am not too wrong in that understanding (I heard it somewhere trustworthy I hope) But disease that can move through touch - well those apparently can be quite tough.

Someone grabs an object hours after an infected person does - and BLAMMO! Undeadification occurs. (I should probably copyright that word - undeadification has a nice ring to it). How frustrating to think you won't even be able to touch anything - even your own clothes - without fear that right there could be a few tiny microbes ready to turn you into the next human-deconstruction device. I was told that the movie "Carriers" actually kept this in mind for the disease that breaks out killing humanity. It would be days before a surface was safe to touch even if disinfected.

I should get back in the habit of writing this - I am starting to think I should just write my zombie novel and get it out of my mind - before it gets turned into a larger books series like my fantasy line has.

Friday, July 22, 2011

Why is taking the Garbage out that Stressful?

I hate taking the gabage out at night. There is nothing I despise more. Why you may ask? It is the lighting. Our home is set up so the back and front light leave a strip of horrible darkness for the entire length of the house, the same length you must walk through to get to the trash cans. So what could possibly go through my mind when I approach this darkness that my eyes cannot pierce?

There must be zombies in there. Why? Not a clue. my eyesight is very sharp at night, but is easily thrown off by any light sources nearby. The back light just happens to be one such light because of how it is placed. It creates a wall of blindness to a no-mans land hiding countless undead in the tangle of plants in the yard.

I hate taking the trash out at night, and should just avoid it - but not taking the trash out as needed puts me in harms way of another sort. The type that involves the wife looking at me with "that" look.

I think I will learn to take the trash out earlier.

Tuesday, July 5, 2011

Lightsabers and Zombies

There are a lot of nay-sayers about Star Wars, calling it a cheap sci-fi.In some regards it is a science fiction not grounded in reality. Much of the science fiction genre gets its draw from the very plausible and frightening concepts of what our reality can become. Let me remind everyone that the movie does start with a disclaimer saying this story takes place in elsewhere-ville. That being said, let me discuss a very potent instrument that I like from the film.

Just like the word "Plastics" from the Graduate, "Lightsabers" is the word I want on everyones mind today. These weapons supposedly formed of pure destructive light are seen cutting through everything in the movie - except at random intervals where they cut nothing. These are an instrument that a person should be able to use to cut their way through an entire ship, or a cave wall - and not just to turn a Bantha into a sleeping bag.

Can you imagine the damage these things would do to a Zombie Horde? Unlike most medieval weapons that stop when they hit something, a lightsaber continues through a zombie like they are not even there. That is what I call effective.

Any takers on helping me create the lightsabers we will need for a zombie apocalypse?

Friday, June 17, 2011

Science MAkes Things Happen

My apologies for the delay in zombie blogging - I have been very busy these days. Thankfully I have not been busy killing Zombies - though there are times I like the idea of how cheap real estate would be in just such an event.

Anyways, There is a Zombie Research Center in existence - yes I know that if they create zombies in the pursuit of understanding them they get voted off my island. However they did a wonderful studdy that can be found here that explains the abhorrence of zombies in a nice science-ey way. Doesn't make me feel any better but it is nice to know that people are getting paid to do what I do for free.

Sunday, June 12, 2011

The vast dark desert

Driving in the desert at night elicit strange ideas. Maybe it was exhaustion, or perhaps just the silence of the road, but I have some crazy stuff go through my mind as I go along the road.

Whenever I see a semi swerve, I wonder if the are about to turn zombie- while any rational person will just be concerned about the driver being tired or something.

I always wonder if the city I am driving into is going to be okay when I arrive, that I will drive into a wasteland filled with the walking dead and a bunch of abandoned cars. How quickly can you see a stopped car at night with its lights off? What if the highway is covered with them?

There may come a day I will never leave my home.

Thursday, June 9, 2011

Abandoned Buildings

I had the opportunity (I guess we can call it that) to look over a creepy series of photos from Six Flags New Orleans the other day. Let me just say this - it was creepy.

Let us ignore the usual details that bother me about abandoning loations to nature to reclaim - how can it be too expensive to fix or bulldoze over? Since when was cleaning up after yourself optional?

Anyways - the site itself seems out of touch with reality for the rest of us. I have seen abandoned buildings, areas left to blight as nature tears it down a small bit at a time. But when you see it each time it strikes me. If a plaec has scared even the hobos away you know it must be pretty rough. How society can leave things to rot away around us is a fascinating look inside our psychology as a whole.

NNot to mention having an abandoned site in a part of the world that has a reputation for voodoo (which is often blamed for acts of raising the dead) and abandoned site here is screaming danger and death around every corner. You could make the cheapest horror movie ever - take the 75 to 100 pictures and play them in a slow slideshow. Toss a few shadowy figures in and you have a creepy movie that will keep you on the edge of your seat. And perfectly indefensible Zombie attack areas.

Let's just hope the voodoo isn't aimed at you while you are there.

Monday, June 6, 2011

Who's Who in the Zombie Apocalypse

There are certain people I have said in the past, you should always keep around. People that may do well to gain your protection so you can gain from their resources and planning abilities. As the philosophers always say - no man is an island unto himself.

My mother-in-law is one of those people. We are working to move her stuff outof her home, and what do I find - cases and cases and buckets and buckets of food. Dry food stuff, sealed. In easy to stack and move buckets. This woman, is prepared for the zombie apocalypse and doesn't even know she is.

How long can you live off a five gallon bucket of lentils? A lot longer than you can without them. How long can you live off rice? A lot longer than you can without it. Twinkie and ho-hos only go so far to nourish you while you spend your days running from the zombie horde - grains and high-protein beans and dried foods are probably going to mean the difference between death and being a meal yourself after 6 months. Let me remind all of my softer more grocery store spoiled friend here, that the grocery store is stocked by human beings - human beings supplied by trucks from hundreds of mile away. When the zombies come, your grocery store will not be the same.

For those of you shocked by that news - you should have been reading my blog earlier. Now it is time to catch up and get yourself back on track.

Wednesday, June 1, 2011

Nikola Tesla and Zombies

I think that Nikola Tesla was a genius. A completely and totally insane genius, but one none-the-less. I am willing to admit that I do not care for Thomas Edison, since I have heard multiple stories of his activities that make him a spoiled brat.

However, Nikola Tesla would be my choice as my mad-scientist partner in the event of a Zombie Apocalypse. Just imagine what he could accomplish in the modern era of electricity and science! I can just see it now, a ray gun that would not have to recharge, bolts of lightning that could arc from fingertip implants powered by the magnetic field of the Earth itself.

Tesla, was hardcore. He could probably even break that pesky light-speed barrier - just for fun. Or actually make his earthquake device work this time.

The reason I am bringing this up, is because the wife and I have decided to read two books together (Not counting the Tiger-mom parenting book). We are going to both read a book on Edison, and a book on Tesla - but the need to both match. I want to read two neutral books, or one skewed for each so I know the truth is somewhere in the middle.

Besides, how often does a beautiful woman ask you to read up on Nikola Tesla? That's right - my wife is awesome.

Sunday, May 29, 2011

The Terror of Disney Attractions

What is with Disneyland building dark corridors of doom into every attraction they can? I think it may be remnants of the pre-building code era but a lot of the attractions have some pretty tricky dark corridors in them. Cinderella's Castle - darkness abounds! Toon town - seems like every building there is designed for cave dwellers.

With my zombie fear running rampant because I could not figure out how to adequately blockade any specific point for a defensive position, I had to resort to trying to figure out why Disney has such dark passages.

Perhaps they really do have an army of dwarves and they are responsible for the construction. The steps are never all that big, and how many times did you hear the 7 Dwarves talk about keeping their caves up to code? There are dozens of infractions the moment you see them hard at work. One must wonder if they even own the land they are mining or if they have a permit for the work in the caves.

In either case, very few places in Disney are good defensive positions. I think the Worlds Fair pavilion might be a good one, but that is only because you can set the thing to turn, up the acceleration on it and turn the outer wall into a spinning wall of death.

That is a great idea! Use the rotating Pavilion as your secured location. I wonder how well it would hold up over time. Hmm.

Wednesday, May 25, 2011

Family

Zombies love family - that is they like to exploit our love of close family in order to eat or infect us. It is a simple truth of zombie existence - not that it is their intent of course. Zombies do not have any intent other than consumption of their human neighbors.

Zombies make terrible neighbors. They are up at all hours, growling, gurgling - and the screams of the passers-by they attack just makes it hard to sleep through the night. I don't know about you, but I would prefer to not have them within a 12,757 kilometer sphere of me. Which if anyone realized - that would be the diameter of the Earth.

In earlier posts I had pictures of the home I would want to have in the event of a zombie apacolypse - what amounted to a square box of cement and steel. Toss a few tesla coils on the top of the thing and I think it would be a great hide-away. except of course the light show when zombies came to visit. Burning bodies do not raise property value.

Through all of this - family has a comforting element to it for all of us. Our family help us create a home, in effect they become where "home" is. This sudden loss that we see our counter parts in zombie films try to protect is understandable - but still stupid. So best bet? Keep your family close by and protected. They are where you need to be.

Monday, May 23, 2011

Gandalf and Zombies?

The blog over at Tor.com reported to me this fine morning, that Gandalf (aka Sir Ian McKellen) are on board to be part of a victorian era zombie flick. The good news: Can you imagine Gandalf taking down a horde of undead? That would be pretty awesome to watch, but I doubt I would be able to bring myself to watch it. Gandalf or not, zombies still scare the bejsus out of me.

And making it set in victorian era england just makes it that much creepier. Given tales like Sherlock Holmes, Bra Stoker's Dracula, Frankenstein - there is no way to tell if these zombies will be magically brought to life or some mad scientist virus that is released in the age of steam. I can only imagine what will happen, but I won't be there for it.

All I can ask is that other lover of Gandalf cheer him on his he takes down the nasty beasts.

Saturday, May 21, 2011

Sooo.....

.....The world didn't end. I haven't taken the time to look up which of the typical excuses will have been used, but I am sure it may have something to do with the calculations being wrong, or the prayers of the faithful saving all of us from damnation. Nothing makes cult followers feel better than being rewarded for their faith.

In other news, it is another creepy morning fog day. Silence in the apartment complex broken only by my keyboard, the mountain view blocked by low level clouds. I always have panic attacks on these days when I am alone. For some reason I feel better with my family tucked away in the next room - perhaps because then I know I won't have to immediately go out and save them from the rambling horde of undead.

Damn, I need a shotgun.

Friday, May 20, 2011

The coming End of the World

So, I hear the world is supposed to end tomorrow. Is anyone else a little excited about the prospect? Now before anyone gets upset, let us look at the benefits of having the end of the world.

1. Once it is over, we can get on with our lives. - I don't have to hear about the Apocalypse ever again!

2. Decreased traffic congestion - fewer people means fewer cars. Imagine rush hour with half as many people!

3. I can finally rule the world - who better to rule a place that will be left in chaos. I can submit my world domination resume to anyone who wants to see it. I got plans, and the knowledge to see them through.

4. Better housing market - lots of empty houses (some pretty nice ones too). And prices will go down.

5. Your choice of bankers and lawyers - We pretty much know that all the bankers and lawyers will be left behind, so with the sheer number of them left needing work, you can use them as cheap labor to fix up that post Apocalypse home! Make them sweat!

Does anyone else have some they want to add?

Thursday, May 19, 2011

CDC Zombie Planning

My fear, hilarious though it can be, is something that many consider a pop-culture icon. A mere traversing of a cultural idea with fears and values tossed into a nice mix - with a dash of undead for flavor for that story to be told. That being said, I always enjoy finding other zombie preparation plans, especially ones from reputable government agencies - like the CDC! The link here is a reposting of the blog post by the CDC. Granted, I am finding flaws in this plan of their (who wants to meet out in the open during a zombie attack?)

In any case, though the preparation kit does not include a shotgun or other weapon (I do NOT count a utility knife as a proper weapon when dealing with a ravenous flesh-eating mob) it does a good job of making sure people keep things in mind for any other emergency.

I mean seriously, not even a gun and ammunition?

Monday, May 16, 2011

Ants: Natures Zombie Hunters

A wonderful bit of news from the world of nature, as a follow up to yesterday's post. If you actually took the time to watch the video I linked to, you would know that the ant colonies in question were very aware of the zombie problem. In fact, they assign attack squads to find the infected and remove them from the colony.

How much more awesome can ants get? I already liked their collective mentality - their organization structure for their success. Now, I know that if zombies do come, I can find giant ants to use as assistants in eradicating the zombie threat. Also, since they know they will do it for the hive - I don't have to bribe them, they will be supportive of the survival of all.

With the industrial capacity of their own insane capacity, ants have found a new reason to be high on my list of creatures of the animal kingdom.

Sunday, May 15, 2011

At Least Death is Punctual

In a previous entry we discussed Zombification parasites. Thanks to my loving better half I now have a great article (with video!) with which to link all of you.

The basic premise of the possibility of zombification in the future is based on the idea that their are just too many vast numbers of possible genetic combinations that can be created - or may have yet to be discovered (by nature hopefully not us). Even the Oatmeal.com has an idea of why Zombie attacks go utterly and horribly well. It is not like nature needs ANY help what-so-ever in finding new ways to eliminate life. Believe me - she can do it better than any of us can!

That being said, Parasites are horrible, and in the following article and video you can see just why you should never discount the creative ways Mother Nature will try to kill you with. Watch the video in the article, and be afraid, very afraid.


Friday, May 13, 2011

Meet.com : A Great Way to Find Zombie Fodder

I am signed up for Meetup.com, and all joking aside it can be a valuable resource for meeting people with similar interests.

Now that is out of the way, let us discuss my temptation to toy with the craziness that use this site. Meetup has some rather cracked out people using it. I find these groups as I get notifications their groups have been formed. At random intervals I get sent groups that supposedly match my interests (a very loose connection I should point out).

Today was a group devoting themselves to some modern prophet called Matraiya, and if enough people joined and made it through his "initiation" process and received his blessing, then Christ or some other biblical figure would come back and you get into heaven the rest of the suckers get left behind. Now, after I learned about cults and religion in Sociology during college, I can't help but have a long list of thoughts about how wrong this group is.

1. Initiation involves two things; lots of money if you are a guy, and cash and sexual favors if you are a woman.

2. Just like the Jehovah's witnesses, the date of the apocalypse will continually be moved back because either the group is too small or because their faith has impressed god and he wants them to continue their work. Name one time a cult hasn't believed their leader saying that.

3. Koolaid is a no no.

4. If it is a new group, I could get in on the bottom floor! (Per the wife)

5. I could twist Matraiya to be a zombie hunter. Imagine the power of cults and god driving the masses. A mob of unread vs. A mob living inspired by a cult master.

6. Enjoying the chills of #5.

7. Are their any zombie hunting cults or would I be the first?

8. How does a person place "Zombie Hunter" on a resume. Does that count as a people skill?

In either case, Meetup has a bunch of craziness. while I am tempted to toy with them, I will leave them to their own self destructive mannerisms. Comments are open for best cult ideas.

Wednesday, May 11, 2011

The Safety of Sesame Street

I have decided that Sesame Street may be a zombie free haven in the event of a zombie apocalypse. What could possibly trigger such an insane thought you might ask? Well, the place is already infested with monsters and mutants. Wit any location this seriously infested with all manner of creatures, do you think Zombies would stand a chance?


















Besides, I got money on Bert and Ernie being Zombie Killers- Extra-ordinaires. I mean look at the eyes, the eyes.... Anyone with that sort of insatiable devotion to a rubber duck has a zombie killing streak in them a mile wide. And let us not forget the massive power of the Bert uni-brow. That thing was responsible for a few classified weapons "accidents". Why do you think Bert is living in the city under the close watch of everyone. With that temperament I am sure PTSD has something to do with it.

Monday, May 9, 2011

Zombies in Nature

Recently I had a coworker who had a big laugh over my fear of zombies."you do realize the are not real, right?"   I mean seriously, you have to ask? Right now human zombies are not real, but that does not rule out the possibility for all time. Just because we have light bulbs and the internet does not mean we have always had them.

You could make the case for technology being different from viruses, bacteria and parasites - they are after all living things. Sadly due to evolutionary forces these creatures are in a constant state of flux and growth, giving them a better advancement curve than technology.

There are parasites that can use others as hosts and even control their actions. A species of wasps plants its eggs inside of the ants who eventually lose touch with their hive. With a few generations mother nature could make those parasites larger and more aggressive, or a bacteria or virus could develop the same abilities.

So one day I could have a real fear.

Saturday, May 7, 2011

The Danger of Elevators

I realized today there is a great danger to be had with elevators. These things are probably the worst possible form of travel in the event of a zombie apocalypse. It is like packing yourself in a Vienna sausage can of zombie snacks.

Let's think on this, what other sort of transportation are we so trusting of course and destination? Planes, trains and automobiles we all ask for Windows all around us, but elevators we just hope for the best? I think something is wrong with our thinking. There is no reverse button, and the close button works - ten minutes after you need it too.

To top it off, there is usually no way out. I don't if you have ridden in an elevator recently, but unlike our action star buddies, I don't usually see any magical access hatch to escape through. Dead end, no way out, and its like an elevator delivering to hungry zombies.

Zombies = NO ELEVATORS

Friday, May 6, 2011

Living in Fear: Birthday Presents

Living in Fear: Birthday Presents: "I started off my birthday in a cold terror. I awoke to my alarm clock making low scrambled signal noises. The static was low and broken only..."

Thursday, May 5, 2011

Birthday Presents

I started off my birthday in a cold terror. I awoke to my alarm clock making low scrambled signal noises. The static was low and broken only by occasional interruptions of what may have been voices. The strange thing was that nothing would turn the radio off. The alarm was connected to some sort of broadcast that refused to be ignored.

In frustration, the flashing 12:00 forced me to unplug it to find peace. But it wasn't done with me. I realized a short time later when I tried to plug the alarm in again - the power was out. No electricity.

My apartment occasionally loses power. But this time it was accompanied by sirens in the distance. The pure fear in me realized (incorrectly) that the zombie apocalypse had started, on my birthday of all days.

Thankfully I was wrong, but the start of my day was rather creepy.

Tuesday, May 3, 2011

Living in Fear: Survival Ratings

Living in Fear: Survival Ratings: "Survivability is key for any individual who finds themselves in the midst of a zombie Apocalypse. Perhaps it is time to develop a sliding-de..."

Survival Ratings

Survivability is key for any individual who finds themselves in the midst of a zombie Apocalypse. Perhaps it is time to develop a sliding-dependency scale to determine the survivability of people in such an event. There would be a number of factors one would have to look at to insure everything was adequately examined.

First, you would have to score them on a single-survivor basis. How well can this person survive on their own - what are their chances to NOT become lunch.

Second, scoring them on a pairing or group survivability basis. Some skills work better when used in conjunction with other skills, so in essence their abilities work better with people around.

Thirdly, the mental stability needs to be examined. Last thing you want is someone who loses their mind just when you need it most. Some minds just do not handle the idea of the Apocalypse well.

So, we can call this the I-G-S-S score. Individual, Group Survivability and Stability score. IGSS, almost sounds cute. Perhaps the next few days I can develop a scoring process for each of the IGSS values. Anyone want to be a test subject?

Monday, May 2, 2011

Living in Fear: Fear and its Purpose

Living in Fear: Fear and its Purpose: "Fear, so I am told, has a purpose. It developed over millennia to give our ancestors pause before they did something risky (or downright stu..."

Fear and its Purpose

Fear, so I am told, has a purpose. It developed over millennia to give our ancestors pause before they did something risky (or downright stupid). I was reminded of this again this weekend watching Star Trek Voyager, with an episode involving fear.

My concern is for when a fear is not operating properly, like a machine that is partially malfunctioning. At what point is a fear hard wired into ones mind and not a product of some social construction.

Saturday, April 30, 2011

Living in Fear: Another Great home for the Zombie Apacolypse

Living in Fear: Another Great home for the Zombie Apacolypse: "I sometime am unaware of how I accumulate things in my head. I tend to have a sponge of a brain for pretty much anything. My computer can so..."

Another Great home for the Zombie Apacolypse

I sometime am unaware of how I accumulate things in my head. I tend to have a sponge of a brain for pretty much anything. My computer can sometimes be the same way. I wander the Internet and I find pictures that strike me, or I browse the shelves of bookstores and hobby shops and find things that fill my mind with ideas. Today, is a great day for Zombie Home Defense, because I have decided upon a almost perfect home that can be built (I always say almost because I can find ways of enhancing almost anything, Not ever the omega particle is without flaw no matter what the Borg may think)

I digress. Below you will see a picture that is quite frankly, genius.
Before any of you laughs, since apparently a portion of my audience does only that, just look at how seemlessly this house can transform. One moment it is a modern monster on the surrounding terrain, a pure aesthetic failure of epic proportions. Then, just moments later, it is a modern monster of design - that is surrounded by a solid layer of foot thick cement reinforced by steel and implanted with lead to protect against some forms of radiation, blocking all zombies from entering.

No horror movie-esque breaking of boarded up windows, no sneaking in through the one room you left doofus in charge of protecting - just walls of cement and steel. Mmmmm, I can smell the internally filtered air now... What could possibly make this more appealing - oh wait, I know!

There are a lot of gadgets in this book I don't personally need, they might be fun to make me seem insane and scare of future boyfriends of my daughter. However, the most amazing thing I can find a use for with this, are the directions for the Tesla coils and the laser perimeter warning system. Can't say any home defensive system can be complete without a laser tripline to trigger the alarms for you to seal this home up.

Oh, and the Tesla coils do make it more interesting once you are safely inside.

Friday, April 29, 2011

Ramblings on Royalty, Marriage and Monsters

The world was very quiet this morning, one of those quiet mornings that is at the same time unsettling. I have written of these before, the mornings so quiet that you start to think, "wait, did I miss something important last night?"

In any case, I do hear vehicles moving now. It is Friday, so perhaps they are just slow to start their day. Perhaps.

Plastered all over the news this morning is that a new princess is a part of the British Royal Family. Okay, we all knew this was going to happen (the marriage that is). Or was there some dark secret that perhaps she wouldn't go through with it. I know lots of women who would still say "I do" if a damn prince was asking them to marry them, even if they hated him! Quite Frankly, if I was a single guy and a Princess asked me to marry her, I don't think I would say no.

And another thing, not because I want to rain on anyones parade, she isn't a technical princess still. Her family only stays royal if they stay married.

And keep one thing in mind William - princesses are captured by monsters all the time. If a zombie horde kidnaps her - You have to save her on your own. Its true, I have played all the video games. Princesses are never saved by entire armies, only a single hero. If you don't make it - someone else gets to keep her. So you better keep an eye on her when monsters start prowling around the castle.

Wednesday, April 27, 2011

The Undead Yogi

So, I received an email from Meetup.com that was supposed to be a suggestion for a group I could be interested in. The only interest it gave me was to think of buying a shotgun because there might be a Zombie living among us.

My reason for this is as follows: The description of the group was for some new-age living style run by some guy who changed his name to sound like he has read the Bhagavad Gita a few too many times. Sounded okay so far (not that I am in to all that), but a few lines later it said the man died at the age of 7, and then came back to life. Hold-UP, he what? so this undead seven year old starts wandering around and no one tells anyone?

Now I am sure they will say he is just as alive as anyone else, which may be trued for the musculo-skeletal realm of things, but they may just be ignoring the fact that small children disappear when he is around. Classrooms of children disappear into thin air when he has everyone "meditating". What gives, last thing I need is to be led in meditation by someone who will it the person next to me gets munched on. "We all feel healthier and enlightened" YOU good sir are being drugged while he eats the people too sick to get away, that is why your group is so healthy, you are losing the sick end of the spectrum.

There, now I feel better.

And another note to anyone reading - my fear does not make me unable to kill zombies, in fact it makes me
more willing than anyone to get rid of them, no questions asked. I intend to survive them, not scream and run away. (Because standing my ground and screaming like a little baby is sooo much more brave)

Monday, April 25, 2011

Return to California

After a Blitzkrieg trip to Arizona for the weekend, I am back in California. A few lessons from my weekend I want to share.

1. I believe a personal parachute may count as a carry-on item. I can see the conversation now - "Sir, what is that in your bag?" Me "This is my insurance against your bad maintenance and poor piloting!" (very important when flying Continental. They like to land at 45 degree angles off the center axis, not the nose)

2. 3-D printers are alive and well in the world. While I have no use for the ones that print in cheese - epoxy, hard plastics, electro-responsive composites and metal all appeal to me as viable printing materials. Perhaps my belt-fed shot-gun could be made a reality!

3. Delta's exit hallways at LAX border on insanely creepy. Image below. My thoughts as I landed: God I miss Tera and Chloe, Crickey I am tired. Holy shit I need a picture of this hallway before the zombies come rushing at me. I think I would have found the energy to run even if they had shown up.


Damn Zombie hallways.


Saturday, April 23, 2011

Zombies on a Plane

So, no zombies at 10,000 feet. This time.

A bit of good did come from my journey to Arizona, I can now add two more armies to my list of know weapons caches in case of zombie attack. This brings my total to five separate locations I can easily get to whilst en route to the family in Arizona.

In other news, I was made aware that myself and my blog were being mocked for my fear of zombies - however these same people revealed that the US navy has an actual military alert code for zombies. As if knowing that would make less concerned about them.

Bastards.

Also 3-D printers are a reality, so machinists fell into an optional saving category. Sorry guys, just make sure your CAD skills are up to date.

Friday, April 22, 2011

Anxiety

Flight doesn't leave for another ten hours but I am already anxious. Still not confident I can land the plane in event of zombies. Will hope air traffic control is alive.

Travelling

I just wanted to do a quick post today before I head out- I am taking a plane right after work to go visit the family over the weekend, so posting tonight other than using my phone may not be an option. That being said...

Today's thoughts will be filled with the dangers of Zombies and planes. I was paranoid last night because I couldn't think of anywhere I could go in the event of infections, except the cockpit. but then I thought, what if it the head stewardess and they already got the pilots? Can I land a plane? Hell, can I land a plane AND hold off a small horde of zombies?

Next few posts may be a treatise on the definition of a "horde". Also a discussion on whether or not Jesus of Nazareth was a prophet or not.

Wednesday, April 20, 2011

The Crisis of Creativity

I will one day be in a crisis of my own creativity. First I am pretty sure you are all wondering what the hell that means, and second you are probably wondering what that looks like. Well, hopefully I can answer both questions for you dear readers.

My better half, in her wisdom, has decided that one day I will write a zombie horror story. Knowing my infinite luck in this arena, I probably will break down and right that very story. In fact I have one that terrifies me that I intend to put on the page. It includes every disturbing thought that comes into my mind when it comes to Zombie-ism, and the ending is something that creeps me out. So, story being done - I just haven't written it.

My greater fear is what happens if it is made into a film - I would be required to go. I would have to be on set, I would have to promote the very things I want nothing to do with. My not wanting to go and being honest runs the risk of appearing to be giving the movie easy viral advertising. Which, if the movie terrifies and disturbs people like it does me - would be perfectly fine. However if people think the movie sucked - than well I look like a doofus.

Thankfully my risk of doofus-dom is pretty low - and at least I can't look as bad as John Kyl the unapologetic bastard that he is.I think I would have to stoop pretty low to be poorly viewed in the communities of the world that value things like honesty and a sense of morality. Goodness, what could I do to be that bad off?

Another blog for another day.

Tuesday, April 19, 2011

Strange Moments of Vulnerability

There are certain times and places that my fear of Zombie attacks spike. There are just common situation or every day occurences that leave a person open to be attacked by the undead, something we should all take note of.

1. Getting a massage. You are relaxing, trying to stay calm and something jumps on your back knawing on you. I was seriously thinking this saturday morning while getting a massage - least relaxing massage day ever.

2. Bathroom breaks. Nothing leave you more open for attack. Diapers people, Diapers.

3. Exiting your home/apartment. Blind corners, doorways, and pretty much every time you turn a corner too sharp you are just asking for trouble.

4. Late night jogs. Who goes running late at night? People who live in Arizona who want to live through the summer.

5. Sleeping. Most horrifying time ever, because you just don't stay awake while you sleep. If I could be awake while I got my 5 hours of sleep - I would be much happier.

Sunday, April 17, 2011

Dear Home Owner on the Hill

Dear Home owner on the hill,

I like your hours and its extremely defensible location, easy access to fields for growing food, and the ability to be reached in relatively little time in the event of a zombie apocalypse. Please understand I will only show up if the zombies are coming, no sooner. Just please be aware of the following concerns to save us both time and trouble.

1. I will keep you alive, and your family alive, until you are infected. If this happens I am "evicting" you, not the other way around.
2. Please keep a backhoe and pile driver parked behind your home. This, coupled with steel pylons, steel sheets and cement and mortar works will be part of my defensive position plans. I know you can pay for them so please do.
3. Email me where your water supply is, so I can secure it. I don't want to fight the undead for a drink.
4. There is no fourth request.
5. Please start your marksmanship practice now, I don't want to waste ammo training you after the fact.

Thank you for these considerations, I look forward to never having to meet you or and build a barricade around your home.

Signed Most Honorably,
Me.


I was hiking today and found one of the most perfect retreat positions in the event of a zombie apocalypse. Its on the high ground in the mountains north of Santa Barbara, and I wish I knew who lived there (or how long their driveway is because it is SERIOUSLY up there).


This house is so absurdly placed that I fell in love with it almost immediately. That, and on top of the damn house (though the picture doesn't quite show it) is a 360 degree observation floor. Windows facing outward from every face WELL ABOVE THE HOUSE! It is like they knew it themselves that they needed a snipers nest for taking out zombies before they got close. Also, in the event of a massive earthquake, it is not near an edge so landslides are unlikely, and may I say in the image below - Tsunami who?


For flipping Jehovah's sake - what else could I ask for? Well I could ask for the channel island preserve (yes I do consider it an option for my safe haven) given its close proximity to food sources, distance to shore, and its easy access to active oil wells. My only concern is getting trapped on the very island I am trying to secure for myself. In either case, I have another spot I can put on my list.

Friday, April 15, 2011

A few things NOT to do, When the Zombies come

1. Not prepare, and "hope for the best". - Completely and utterly stupid. If you idea is "I will lock my door and take a nap on the couch until Suzie comes home" You are just preparing yourself to be lunch.

2. Sleep in General - Guess what - sleeping just means you can't see them trying to get to you. I suggest you start practicing staying up for a week straight. First rule - ignore the voice in your head that says "we should get comfortable!", that little shit screws you every time.

3. Head to Costco first. Non-zombie Apocalypse this is fine, its a good idea. In a Zombie Apocalypse - WORST IDEA EVER to go anywhere lots of people would go. This includes church. Unless your church is the militant arm of some religious whack-job group that happens to be heavily armed. THEN  you go to church.

4. Don't help the neighbor you know has a gun "closet" that is half his house. He has guns, most likely is a better shot than you, and doesn't have all those "emotional attachments" to the rest of the neighbors once they get infected. Their is no shame in keeping his back while he keeps you from doing something stupid. Such as-

5. Rush your loved ones with hugs. I know, they are loved ones. But Zombies don't understand love, they understand exposed necks for biting, and arms for munching. Quarantine or restrain anyone until the infection threat is gone. Then arm them.

6. DO NOT, make your "base" on the first floor if you can help it. Zombies rarely wield weapons, so stairwells are great places to hold off the Zombie Horde if your barricades fail. High ground and a narrow funnel means even people who can't shoot the broad side of a barn suddenly become harbingers of a second death to the undead.

Wednesday, April 13, 2011

Standing Armies

This morning on the way to work I heard a radio broadcast with people critical of the USA having a large advanced fighting force. Their critique of the cost was valid, it is expensive to maintain an army, more expensive to replace it. My concerns comes with the idea that why have an army if you have no major threats or armies.

I call this reasoning out as bullshit (as Penn & Teller would say). You find a nation or empire that dismantled or stopped advancing their military and I will show you the ruins of that same nation. Be it barbarians, corruption, or being technologically out-classed, and possibly overrun by zombies - these nations always collapse at the thought of their own invulnerability.

Now the more peaceful of you may note that standing armies are likely to cause havoc, and their leaders will find wars for them to start to keep busy. These are all things that can be countered through administration by those in charge, thankfully no businesses have purchased a war recently, so at least our current president won't be invading anywhere new.

So yes, I am supportive of a strong well trained military. Discipline is a positive trait that we should have. It is also invaluable in a zombie apocalypse.

Monday, April 11, 2011

ZEAS: Zombie Early Alert System

Being alone when you have a fear of zombies is a double edged sword. Being away from people does reduce the chances of infection greatly. Fewer people around means less zombie fodder. Less fodder means fewer zombies which should make you safer.

However there is an advantage to having fodder around, you can use them as a ZEAS, or a Zombie Early Alert System. There are reasons for pawns in a game of chess, they are there to get in the way. Once a crowd starts screaming it is a good cue to get a weapon or to leave for a defensible location. Not that I want the person to die, but having someone else around to keep an eye out can be handy. It is just easier if you have a large number of pawns on hand if something happens.

I am unsure what else to use as a warning system. Zombies are one of the more dangerous pests you can encounter in fantasy, almost as much trouble as rats. Except with a rat problem you can toss a few cats in the mix to make things easier to deal with. A stark lesson from the black plague when Europeans killed cats and dogs an subsequently faced a higher infection rate from the Black Death.

So what can be used to be pest control for zombies?

Sunday, April 10, 2011

Alone

I am alone for a few weeks. Needless to say my mind is running rampant with paranoid thoughts and ideas. Right now - its the troubling times I catch things in the corner of my eye. Showering and seeing a shape in that robe hanging on the back of the bathroom door through a foggy glass door.

Yes I scare myself more than anyone else could.

Saturday, April 9, 2011

The Great State of Washington: Defensible Locations

Ah yes, defensible locations. One of my favorite subjects, and quite frankly one of the most important subjects people should ever have on their mind. Is this place defensible? Can I survive here? Will Michael Jackson's Thriller really make the dead dance in perfect rhythm? Thankfully I can answer all of these questions pretty regularly.

The reason why Washington is on my list tonight is due to a very strange, but thankful, quirk in the whole Zombie mythos - zombies can't swim. I am greatly thankful for this (and I am sure somewhere a Sci-Fi staff writer is making a case for "Water Zombies" for their next bad movie) as it makes more locations defensible than others. With other fantasy creatures you have more logistic concerns. Skeletons being some of the worst undead to deal with since they can do pretty much everything they want (except blink and tan I guess). A ship full of skeletons? A VERY dangerous thing that. A ship full of zombies? Only dangerous if you are stupid enough to get on board with them.

Anyways, Washington. The northwest portion of the state, as I found through my google map wanderings, is a veritable treasure trove of mild-climate islands and peninsula. Granted, I mean mild climate not because it isn't cold, but because you are not completely snowed in. That and I am sure that bears can make short work of pesky Zombies wandering in the woods. But having a few hundred acres of livable land and access to fresh water directly from the sky a majority of the year is a pretty sweet deal. All you have to do is hold a line that could be as little as a mile wide and you have a perfect bottle neck to defend from.

Also, would be champions of undead-killing, remember to make sure you are on the correct side of the bottle-neck. nothing I hate worse than someone setting up perimeter at  the bottle neck. Before any of your stupid friends start digging their trenches (or building barricades which is smarter with an enemy intent on eating you) make sure they understand that they want their opponent to come through the bottle-neck, not sit in front of it.

In either case, Washington earns today's award for defensibility. Anyone have any other suggestions I should evaluate?

Thursday, April 7, 2011

Fear of Cuddling

One of the things I hate about fearing zombies is that it makes me also fear being close to loved ones. I mean physically close to them. There are many different things to fear, but some can be feared more than most on a paranoid day.

By far one of the worst side-effects of a more paranoid day, is the fear of cuddling. Whoa, hold on - a fear of cuddling you ask? Yes, because it basically puts you into the most indefensible position you can possibly ever be in. What better to become infected than to be cuddling with someone infected with a zombifying disease when they "turn" zombie.

Never before has the gentle nuzzling of a loved one into your neck evoked more delusion panic than when you have to wonder - will they bite me sometime in the night? Will this fun movie night turn into a nightmare?

Stop looking at me with that face, it is an irrational fear for a reason - because it is bothersome and strange in all its quirkiness.But once the zombies come, don't expect me to be handing out hugs - arms length saves lives.

Wednesday, April 6, 2011

The Silence of Being Alone

Last night I was sent out on errands by the other half after we were all home. So, taking my daughter I left and gave her, my other half, some time alone in the apartment. When I returned with errand items in tow, she commented on how strange it was to have the apartment so quiet. I explained to her that the silence she experienced could also be maddening.

I spend a large portion of my time alone. If not in reality than at least emotionally. Living alone at these times all I have is the silence to keep me company. To be honest, silence is a jerk to have for company. Its creepy, over bearing and it makes you depressed. My apartment building is so quiet I don't even get the occasional fights in the unit next door, the rhythmic slamming of a couple "bonding" next door, or even kids running amok causing a racket. It is no wonder that I am driven to high levels of paranoia after a few days home alone.

Most of my days are silent and start out with this morning fog. No, this is not a picture of anywhere near me - I am using a picture from Ontario. In either case, waking up each day to this, having not heard a single person in sometimes 48 hours - well anyone would be worried about where the hell everyone was. Zombies could be just beyond the mists, finishing up the last of humanity except for me. Do I want to go wandering out into the nothingness to find out - no, that is stupid. Fog dissipates, wait for it to clear.

Tuesday, April 5, 2011

Infectious Nature of Fear

There is a grim reality that people around me must face after they make fun of my Zombie Fear; the reality that they may themselves begin to share in my fear. I won't reveal the names of the people around me that have felt this way, but readers you should all know that fear is contagious.

When we see the rational intelligent people in our lives so terrified by something, it is human nature to begin to wonder if they may not have a point. In my case some have had nightmares and even moments of fearful clarity as they watched someone shamble around in the night - and they have that quiet voice of unreasonable fear pop into their heads. The thought sticks with them, digging its claws into their mind.

For those of you who will begin to fear so much - its okay, its human to have new fears.

Monday, April 4, 2011

Aliens vs Zombies

I have finally gotten around to watching the Aliens movies. The alien species itself is quite strange to me, given the fact their parasitic growth cycle is just as dependent on killing humans as Zombies are infecting people. While watching "Aliens" I actually had the thought of "I wonder what an Aliens vs Zombies" movie would turn out like. Can aliens be zombi-fied? Do aliens prefer raw fresh flesh, or if it is still moving they will try to use the zombies just like humans?

Face huggers are just as bad as any Zombie virus. And the fact they can move around so well and jump out at you has its own level of creepiness to it. Just taking a walk in the park and then BAM! Face hugger downs you. This is very similar to walking through the park, and BAM! Zombie tackles and bites you.

In both cases a few hours from now you will be dead (or undead) and release a creature that is deadly to others, either the parasite from the alien or you become a zombie.

Would full grown aliens kidnap zombies for hosting the baby aliens from the face huggers? I guess it is a question of how fresh they need the meat to be. Humans are just cattle in this case. Is this like selecting between Long horn or dairy cow?

In either case I can make it through Aliens, not so much a zombie movie.

Sunday, April 3, 2011

The Weapon of Choice: The Belt-Fed Shotgun

I have been thinking about an earlier blog I wrote about weaponry and how to choose your weapon to defend yourself with. Ever since I half-heartedly mentioned the idea of a belt-fed shotgun, I have not been able to get it out of my head. It was an idea of whim - something silly to be tossed on to the page. Now here I sit thinking of how such a contraption could work.

I am not a gun smith, and frankly it is probably one skill my family does not have. We can do a lot of things, but making guns I don't think is among them. Perhaps I could ask my father. One of my "fond" memories of him is from my last visit years ago. It was my last morning before I had to return home, and I find him in the garage making a grenade. It is not that I am afraid of explosives, quite the opposite. It is the absurdity that walking around in the workshops of my family you are likely to find any number of strange projects.

In any case, belt-fed shotgun. Shotguns filled with 00 buckshot are extremely deadly at close range. You don't have to aim particularly well and a cone of death spreads out from you. The problem is the reloading. Shotguns can have two, five, or eight shells in them before you are stuck putting a new shell in for each shot you want to have. The reloading process is one of the most easily interrupted as well. Single placement of cartridges is an additional spot for a mistake.

With a belt feed into the side of the mechanism, you can reduce the error of shaky hands in a combat situation. You fire, ratchet, and you are ready to go again. As long as you don't have things grabbing at you at close range (branches or undead) the belt can be kept clear and untangled on anything else. A shotgun with 100 or more rounds of fire, now that is a gun I want to see. Slug or 00 or even incendiary rounds are a winning combination.

Saturday, April 2, 2011

The Quiet Morning

I am a morning person. I enjoy being awake long before the sun comes up, before people begin to clamor about and bring noise to the world. The silence and emptiness is both soothing and terrifying for  me.

I have enjoyed mornings here near the coast, with the beauty of fog clouding my vision out of the window of my apartment. The hill north of town with the homes I wish I could afford to buy sits beyond the white mists - but no one could say what its fate is at that point. As much as the fog gives the world a clean pristine mystery, it also holds the hidden dangers of what is within.

Some morning the silence is deafening. The crunch of gravel along the roads a thunderous clash, and my feet the cymbals of the heavens cast upon the earth. Any zombies could hear that. As strange as it may seem - I have not seen a zombie infestation that affeccts hearing. It seems that zombification affects sight, smell, strength and touch - but never hearing? Whoever dreams of zombies must be music lovers - god forbid they lose the ability to enjoy music while they are eating people.

I think those musical bastards must have it out for the rest of us. People with sensitively sharp ears as well - they created zombies to silence the world. I can see it now, a super-villain being asked.

"Why are you doing this? Why destroy the world?"

"Because everyone is too damn loud and I am trying to compose a symphony!"

<<Start Zombification>>

Damn people with sensitive ears. I wonder what I could create to get back at them? Other than my idea for a belt fed combat shotgun, Without that, I am at a loss.

Thursday, March 31, 2011

The coming All-Fools Day

I am not a big fan of April fools day. Though if something were to occur, more than likely it would backfire on me, and involve zombies even if it shouldn't.

Also for those of you making plans for pranks, anything that you do after 12 noon is considered bad luck and will backfire on you. Be careful.

Wednesday, March 30, 2011

Apocalyptic Survivability

I am a survivor. Now before you dismiss me as being overly hopeful, or just ignorant of the steep curve of basic natural survival of animals, Think about your own personal knowledge, and what you know how to do to survive. Hollywood, and even the science channel have tried to figure out the multitude of ways to collapse human-kind in on itself. Movies like the Terminator, 12 Monkeys, I am Legend, 2012 - these are all films that question the ability of humans to respond to calamity. 

Let's face it as well - many of us our soft. We spoil ourselves with driving our environmentally controlled cars, we hide from nature behinds walls of stone, wood, glass and steel. In a fight between man and a natural beast - there are many interactions where mankind is on the losing end without technology to back him up. Nature is something I called the MOAB talking to my better half tonight. Not to be mistaken with the Russian Mega-bomb, or perhaps an American ICBM, MOAB (a bigger version of a son of a bitch) stands for Mother of All Bitches. When it boils down to it, nature is not a son of a bitch, she is THE biggest one in all existence.

That being said, humans have survived for tens of thousands of years. In earthly terms, we are still just a blink in a tectonic image. Mother Earth hiccups - and chances are we go flying without a passing thought in the mind of the planet. The question I pose is what are we doing to survive if that hiccup occurs.

Zombie, Nuclear, extra-terrestial, or microscopic - there are lots of ways for humans to be wiped out. How many of us know how to find shelter, or locate clean water supplies or know where to get food if suddenly the supermarket is out? Who among us can figure out the fastest means to travel between two points if highways are impassible and your vehicles is rendered useless? Does anyone know the proper quarantine procedures to protect your home in the case of a disease outbreak?

We are soft, not in a morbid the divine-will-punish us soft, but we are quite honestly ignorant of what we have to know to protect in order to survive. I know people who won't last a day without wikipedia. Quite frankly I know people that if it wasn't for my near eidetic memory of some techniques and information they probably wouldn't survive long in a disaster. However I also know my limitations and who I need to work with to make sure myself and those I care about survive.

Before you think I have lost my mind or find me paranoid, I just ask that you think very carefully on what steps you know you need to take to survive in whatever disasters can reach you. In the span of a few hours a single weather event can bring us to an etch-a-sketch end of the world (thank you Eddie Izzard) scenario where 100,000 years of civilization is thrown out as fast as yesterday's trash and everyone is in kill or be killed mode. Sadly that first reaction is also conducive to making sure fewer survive. Perhaps tomorrow I will write about how collectivism is more important for survival than individualism, for now I leave you with the thoughts of "What they hell will I do if...?"

I think that should be frightening enough since most of us can't answer that question.

Tuesday, March 29, 2011

Surprise

I am still not totally relaxed after the movie attempt. Just this morning I was walking to work, and a cyclist caught me unawares.

Now you are wondering as to why this was an issue, I mean how could a man on a bicycle scare me so well? I wasn't paying attention and they rode up behind me. Then, as I was lost in my thoughts and he simply asked me to move.

I nearly jumped into traffic in the street. As I caught myself and regained my composure I let the man pass.

I was embarrassed but at least I didn't have to tell him why I looked terrified.

Monday, March 28, 2011

Nerves

My nerves are calming down more today. I was actually able to walk to work without a panic attack as I neared corners and shrubs that were blocking my view.

Doing laundry this weekend was an exciting panic attack as I repeatedly went downstairs to check the wash. It was only strength of will alone that kept me from printing back to my door. My other half was nice to not laugh to my face, but she was laughing. Not like I could blame her, she deserves to occasionally laugh at my expense.

I am looking forward to not jumping at every small sound. I freak out at any unexpected noise still.

I am not doing this again.

Sunday, March 27, 2011

Exhaustion: Aftermath

I am completely exhausted today, to the point of being ill. What reason do I have for this you might ask? This is the result of trying to watch a zombie film.

I spent my my entire night fighting with a sick child, and the paranoia that any moment I would have to fight off a zombie horde from my apartment. I even block the main doorway again. Damn-it all to hell.

My better half (who only an hour ago was allowed close enough to kiss me again) keeps trying to remind me that the film was comedy. To which I repeatedly remind her that it doesn't matter if it was funny or not - zombies were still present. My mind doesn't make a Vietnam film any funnier because Bob Hope shows up for a gig in the middle.

I am hoping my paranoid thoughts stop so I can sleep tonight. God would sleeping a whole night be great or what.

Saturday, March 26, 2011

Zombieland: Fail!!!

At the constant request of my better half I attempted to watch the film Zombieland. I am proud to report I made it a grand total of 15 minutes before I was unable to watch it any further.

Yes, only fifteen minutes.

Friday, March 25, 2011

Dark side of Business

After reading the news I am appalled at the rationalization they use to explain business practices. It is rather like seeing a man use technicalities to get out of Hell. Business in its most pure form is devoid of emotion and morality - rather like zombies.

How does he draw this conclusion? Just take any zombie movie and change two things. First, put your zombies in Armani and Gucci suits, and change the cries for human flesh to cries for money, derivatives, and stock options in shortselling other companies.

In fact zombies have the decency to at least bring you to their side if at best they don't kill you. I prefer the outright death over undead lifestyle. I enjoy being alive - except when bankers are around.

Damn bankers.

Thursday, March 24, 2011

Zombie Children

Nothing pisses me off more than the idea of Zombie Children. I mean seriously, children? Like people don't already have a hard time surviving the playground, now they have to go start eating people to top it off? I hated recess before Zombies. After - just makes it a living hell that was upgraded with more hell.

First, let us ignore the disturbing fact that children would have to get infected somehow. If you are an adult on a playground you already have a sign on you that says "attack me". Anyone who has worked with children know how this works. Within moments of stepping into their domain they are sent into a frenzy the likes of which is not rivalled by anywhere else in nature. It is like a collective, mad consciousness is ruling them from the moment they reach the slide. For some reason playground equipment brings out the primal energy of children. Turning them into fast moving torpedo's for attacking, tackling, climbing, swinging tunnelling and digging - it is a sight to behold.

Now make the mistake of letting them get infected. Children have the cleanliness facter of earthworms. Once it is in the ground they all share everything. Once a child has something, they all end up with it. They have a natural tendency to share every single contaminated item that comes into their possession. Everyone knows how quickly lice spreads? Colds? Flus? Now take all that primal energy and make it hungry. So now adults change from jungle gyms into buffets.

Let us not forget the cuteness factor. What group of national guard soldiers coming upon a playground full of children will shoot first and ask questions later? None. I can see it now:

"Oh these children are so cute, they are running to greet us!"

"Rawr!"

"My god the cute children are now trying to bite my ankles. Now they are climbing up on me, ow! he bit my neck!"

"Rawr!"

"Rawr!"

National Guard 0, zombie children plus a million. The most terrifying part of this is the fact that the chances for human survival are pretty darn slim with a child zombie army roving about. They would be like locusts eating crops. Quick moving packets of cuteness laced with death (and undeadness), scouring the countryside for the next group of stupid people who think it is cute when a wave of children come running at them. Think ahead and plan people. Go experience your son or daughter's playground. Once you see the terror they can wrought without  deadliness you will start to think about how to defend yourself.

Here is a hint: Children like to climb and wiggle through very small holes we otherwise don't think they can get through. Start preparing.

Wednesday, March 23, 2011

My Response to Zombie Movies

I do not care to watch Zombie films. At one point I was able to do so, but in the past few years that capacity has been lost to me.The tension and the fear are too much for me. That, and every zombie movie involves things jumping out at you suddenly and usually involve fair amounts of gore. My two least favorite cinematic techniques.

I am reminded of a night years ago when I was watching the first two resident Evil films in a row. One night of "lets get this over with" zombie action. I finished both films - I was a trooper. However I spent that night barricaded in my bedroom. I even had a crutch being used as a door jam against the door frame and the wall - to give me a few more moments to escape if the filthy beasts came and attacked. I even slept with my katana and waki-sashi on the floor next to the bed - just in case.

The few times I have tried watching these films with significant others - I always end up not wanting to cuddle. Because of course someone infected would want to cuddle and get near my neck. Look, EVERYONE, if I am having a paranoid day about zombies, leave my flipping neck alone. It is the one place that I do not want you near. I don't even want to touch anywhere else, but for the semblance of sanity I must. Also on a side note - thank you for those who have been sensitive about this.

Do I want to watch zombies in any form? Not particularly. I mean, it is not like my undead list precludes undead as a rule. Oh no. Vampires are ok. Mummies are fine. Skeletons do not frighten me. Ghosts are not an issue. Liches - well, depending on the type I will ave my concerns. It is just those damnable zombies that need to be erased.

Tuesday, March 22, 2011

Location, Location, Location

I enjoy Europe, well, at least I did the one time I went. I enjoy spending the rest of my time looking at pictures of places in Europe I want to go see. Like Hallstatt and Neuwanschtein Castle, and Kuchlbauers Bierwelt (that would be "Beer Land"). Part of the reason I enjoy looking at these places is because Europeans built fortifications and living spaces everywhere. I am talking castles people!

What better place to wait out the Apocalypse than your very own fortified location? And, a majority of time castles were built in locations that helped them defend a region, with access to resources (remember our sustainability blog entry?) Zombies have never been known for their engineering finesse, so it is not like they would be able to construct a catapult or trebuchet and come after you any time soon.

So yes, location in important, especially in Europe. Just be careful you don't pick a palace - that would be a deathtrap. Why? Because they typically were designed to just be places of lazy luxury and opulence. I am sure many think that might be a good place to go in case of zombie attack - but it could quickly turn into a ZBA. A Bunch of drunk humans tired and sleepy from eating too much. It is like their are preparing themselves like veal. I am sure the zombies appreciate that though.

Now I know in case of me taking over a castle I have a host of all new concerns. First making sure the winding halls are cleared of infected, and then only letting who I want to have inside - selection of allies is important. I don't need idiots who get bit while out working or on patrol coming back inside thinking "oh I will be different, I won't turn zombie!" More people means more risk. And to any who end up working with me in the event of a Zombie Apocalypse - I have a zero tolerance policy for the infected.

Will I tell you which castle I am looking at going to? Not likely, I don't want neighbors, at least not too many anyways.